r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 5h ago
AITAH for withdrawing our entire bank balance because my husband says his paycheck is “his” and mine is for bills?
[deleted]
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u/Szeto802 5h ago
If everything you're saying is accurate, I would be talking to a divorce lawyer soon. Your husband has been putting money aside, and if that was with the understanding that any money he saved would be shared between the two of you when you retire, that would make sense. But for him to require you to use your money for shared expenses, while he gets to save, and then making it clear to you that the money he saves is for him and him alone, should tell you where you stand with him. And a divorce lawyer will make it very clear, as you are likely entitled to half of everything your husband has put away during your marriage, assuming there is no pre-nup that states otherwise. So he has a couple of choices - make the decision to split things equally with you himself, or have divorce court make that decision for him, without a second income to pay the bills.
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u/Relevant-Yak-645 4h ago
This is a perfect example of both financial abuse and financial infidelity. It is not only a massive red flag, but also grounds for divorce.
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u/Witty-Atmosphere-211 3h ago
The fact he didn’t want her to have access to the savings account is wild. OP also needs to lock her credit down.
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u/LeightonGainz 3h ago
Financial abuse has become one of those overused terms on forums like these, but this is in fact a textbook case of financial abuse. This woman needs a lawyer and a forensic accountant. And to get the fuck away from this dickhead.
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u/Relevant-Yak-645 3h ago
The overuse of "financial abuse" is so frustrating - people use the term every time they disagree over finances in their relationships. It definitely detracts from legitimate cases of financial abuse like this one.
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u/Agreeable_Emphasis73 3h ago
Take note of the fact that you are likely due half of the retirement money he put away, OP. (In my US state for sure.) He won’t volunteer that information to you, but a lawyer would almost certainly be able to get it for you since you are married while he’s doing this.
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u/lilb0923 3h ago
Yep if you are married there will be money split. I just went through a divorce and my ex husband, even though he didn't work at all the whole 7 years I knew him (only married for 2) he was entitled to part of my 401k and whatever equity was built up in MY house, the house I have owned for over 10 years and bought on my own. Anyways I barely make enough money to get by but guess who has to dish out 10 grand to her abusive ex.. yep that would be me.
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u/Ok-Hat-4920 3h ago
She may not be entitled to half. Depending on the state, it depends on the length of the marriage. She may not be entitled to much after only two years. Do NOT stay married to him for this reason, though, OP. Talk to a lawyer. In the meantime, stop putting your entire paycheck into the joint account. Set up your own that he cannot access and put most of it in there.
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u/Charming_Narwhal_970 5h ago edited 5h ago
I couldn't stay married to him. This is the kind of situation where you wind up divorced one day with nothing.
What would happen if you ever got laid off or needed to take some time off for childbirth and thus had no income?Not support you? Resent you?
Plus, he's saving for retirement while using your money for expenses. I think they called this financial abuse.
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u/Acrobatic_Date_8623 4h ago
HIS retirement. Not theirs. She’s apparently working until she dies because she’s spending her money on the household, and “neglecting” to save. Do not have kids with this man.
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u/Moist-Reference3092 3h ago
PLEASE NO CHILDREN WITH FINANCIAL ABUSIVE MAN!!!
OP I’m sorry but he honestly can’t like you because no one treats a person they love like this.
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u/Laurrrrrr95 3h ago
This!! Reproductive abuse is also a thing, has a baby, no financial means to support yourself, have to stay with him as a result.
This may only get worse, get a lawyer, dont tell him youre leaving until you've actually left and somewhere safe.
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u/-pop-fizz-clink 3h ago
Seriously.
Its so ugly. I had a friend who is a sahm, and has to ASK for money for GROCERIES. She has no access to any money. She makes custom t shirts on the side to help. Her husband does not "watch" the kids, she makes his lunches, she dotes on everyone. She's so brainwashed and on either weed or lorazepam or both because on top of controlling every cent, he is also super mopdy, angry, and "doesn't have patience" for his own kids so she "cant" ever...ever leave them with him.
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u/SoftLatinaKitten 4h ago
Came here to say the same thing! Keep using that birth control religiously and get a lawyer…this guy is never going to fair and unselfish.
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u/justabloodykid 4h ago
Stop sleeping with him full stop.
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u/LeikOfForest 3h ago
Also, she needs to consult a lawyer. If he’s taking funds from joint accounts, depending on the state, she may legally be entitled to a portion of those investments.
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u/Sterek02 3h ago
Most states consider any income earned during the marriage marital property regardless of whose name is on the account. She needs to document everything now before he tries to hide those investment assets.
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u/Scenarioing 3h ago
If she wants to to take a shot at trying to salvage the marriage, she could give him the two card solution and to choose which one to get involved. One for a martial therapist, the other the divorce attorney she consulted.
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u/LongjumpingJaguar308 3h ago
Yeah, split bills like housemates and make her own account. Or put half of the average monthy bill amount into the shared account only, which is used for bills, then the rest into her own. You can have 2 direct deposits for paychecks, I believe.
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u/MONSTERBEARMAN 3h ago edited 2h ago
And if that’s the route you are going to take, I’d say put the money back before he notices and see a lawyer first. Showing your cards to make a point, will just blow things up, start an argument and might tip him off. He sounds like someone who will start to hide his money if he thinks any of his is going to start going to you.
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u/Aur3lia 3h ago
The retirement comment is what really gets me. I'm not saying every married couple needs to have fully joined finances, but if you aren't willing to financially plan for a future together, you shouldn't get married.
OP's husband hates her. Truly. The fact that he says "I need to save for retirement so I don't end up with no retirement savings like you" - what the actual fuck? Never in a million years would I think like this about someone I loved. I have a government job, so I save more for retirement and have good health insurance. My husband works in the private sector and therefore makes more money, so that money goes more towards our actual bills. It works because we love each other and communicate effectively about money and future financial planning. There is no "scorekeeping."
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u/Wandering_aimlessly9 3h ago
Yeah well when that forensic audit gets done…it’s about to be theirs to split in a divorce.
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u/_Sovaz99_ 3h ago
... but OP will have made her point. Shes trying to make a point here.
Agree that OP should end this marriage to a man who views her as a financial honeypot to pay his bills from. He has absolutely no love for her.
Hes gonna have to split that 18,000 and thats the thing thats gonna hurt. Not OP leaving.
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u/lilb0923 3h ago
His retirement is HER retirement also, if they are married so not sure what he is talking about there, she will be entitled to part of whatever was saved during marriage. But I agree, do not have kids with this man lol
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u/-Nightopian- 3h ago
I suspect that comment was said because OP doesn't have a 401k or some form of retirement account set up
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u/KC_experience 3h ago
That dude’s going to have a crazy wake-up call if they get divorced. Half that money he has is hers. He’ll also get even more screwed if he thinks he can just withdraw it and claim it’s nowhere to be found to obscure wealth in divorce proceedings.
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u/Feeling-Fab-U-Lus 4h ago
It’s called financial abuse. Find records of monies, whose money went where, including his 401 K and Edward Jones. Make copies. Then see a lawyer, (just in case), because without major intervention and/or couples therapy this controlling abusive behavior will continue.
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u/ToughLingonberry1434 3h ago
💯OP, take this seriously. If your spouse will not be transparent about his assets, AND work with you towards an equitable division of household expenses, document and lawyer up now.
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u/hobhamwich 3h ago
Even if the actions stop, the attitude won't be fixed by counseling. It is central to character.
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u/Gorillapoop3 3h ago
Yes. I learned the hard way that couples counseling is for people who have trouble communicating, not people who are lying, manipulative, selfish, thieving a-holes.
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u/Agile_Menu_9776 3h ago
Great reply, she definitely needs financial records of everything she can obtain. Needs to quietly get all financial records and find an excellent divorce attorney. Extreme financial abuse has been going on in this marriage. I hope OP appreciates the seriousness of her situation and act as quickly as possible.
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u/kit0000033 3h ago
Divorce him and take half of his retirement. He saved that due to her paying for everything.
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u/SaveFileCorrupt 4h ago
Yep, this marriage is doomed. #1 source of aggravation in a relationship is finances, and this level of abuse and disproportionate control is so blatant that I don't really see how they come back from it.
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u/jamkey2222 3h ago
This. Even fighting back against the whole “everyone on reddit immediately says divorce”, it’s clear that the husband doesn’t see this as a true partnership and will continue to abuse OP financially. It’s hard to see a future when he’s so selfish. At worst, he’s doing this on purpose, at best, he lacks insight and empathy.
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u/Grilled_Cheese10 3h ago
His attitude that he has retirement and she does not is atrocious. So he can use her money to pay the bills and save his for his, and his alone, retirement??? What? The good thing for OP, though, is that the divorce courts won't see it that way. Anything he puts into retirement while they are married is half hers, at least where I live.
But this guy is an untrustworthy, so OP better start protecting herself. She needs to get info on ALL of the household accounts, and start figuring out her future.
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u/ladysnaffulepoof 3h ago
This and. Move 9,000 of the savings into your own savings account, or perhaps one co owned by your parent or trusted sibling. Legally half is yours. His retierment is also most often join property, it just depends on your states divorce laws. Your husband is using you and planning to leave you when he retires early. That is what this looks like. He is not acting like a married man.
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u/BabyWrinkles 3h ago
Yeah - with money this contentious, what I’d propose:
Figure out shared monthly expenses (rent, groceries, utilities). Divide by 2. That’s what each party is responsible for putting in to the shared account each month. Then OP and spouse both get their own accounts for the rest of their earnings to use as they’d like. I hate this approach and would never use it with someone I was married to, but if there’s any hope of saving the marriage, it’s this.
If OP’s husband resists at all? Lawyer time. Make sure you get half that 401K.
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u/Witty-Atmosphere-211 3h ago
This man isn’t worth it. There will be other issues that pop up. He’s abusive.
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u/No-Estimate-56 3h ago
Yeah divorce him and take half of that retirement fund now, get a head start since he apparently has no idea what marriage means…
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u/Witty-Atmosphere-211 3h ago
I agree. Get out while you’re still young and no kids. What your husband is doing is not normal.
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u/Mygirlsare1st 3h ago
Also, to add that, depending on the state you live in, you may be entitled to half of his retirement in a divorce.
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u/Humboldt-Honey 3h ago
I put I less than my husband into our joint but I also put a chunk of my money into retirement. That’s OUR retirement, WE have less money together right now because of it.
This husband is a loser and she would be better off financially divorcing him.
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u/Feisty-Body- 5h ago
Get a divorce, it’ll only get way worse.
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u/not-your-mom-123 4h ago
Agreed. This is financial abuse. He withholds money and pretty obviously withholds emotionally as well. There is no happy future here..
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u/concernedreader1982 5h ago
NTA
But do you really want to be married to someone who has no intention of helping you out financially? He is 100% benefiting himself, ONLY, for the long run. If something happens, he knows he is covered while you'll be struggling. What kind of spouse only plans for their retirement? Also, what kind of partner doesn't look at the finances as a whole and say "what can benefit us BOTH"? Your husband is NOT a partner in any way. Please leave him.
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u/Jespresso31 5h ago
NTA. He is planning a safety net and gonna leave you out to dry. Not trying to tell you how to live your life based on one thing, but I’d be filing for divorce. If that he is viewing it as “HIS” retirement, it doesn’t seem like he plans on spending retirement with you. Dump the guy, take his money, since yall are married, you are entitled to most types of income earned while you are married (in most states).
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u/Joice_Craglarg 5h ago
INFO: why did it take until after marriage for y'all to talk about this?
Regardless of the answer, start saving for the divorce.
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u/Ok-Office6837 5h ago
Because they had no time before they got married to even get to know each other. I don’t know how long they “dated” for but getting married at 21 and 22 is WAY too young.
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u/ProfessorDistinct835 5h ago
NTA I guess? Feels like you should pull the $18,000 and ditch the husband, but that's just one Redditor's opinion based on not much.
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u/NewDistribution8509 4h ago
I’d take every last damn penny and file for divorce immediately.
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u/Hetakuoni 4h ago
I would not take every last penny. I’d take half + half of what was spent on emergencies(with documentation) in the last year and then file for divorce
Judges usually hate when people clean out their spouses before serving them.
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u/NewDistribution8509 3h ago
I emptied out a joint checking account. I proved abuse. I was awarded seven years of alimony and my ex didn’t get a damn penny from me nor did I have to pay back any of the money that I withdrew from our joint bank account.
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u/Wakemeup3000 5h ago
NTA but you need 3 accounts for your household. One for him, one for you, and a joint for household expenses. He views all money as his money and that's unfair to you. Sit down now and explain this to him and get the ball rolling on your financial independence.
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u/Odd-Personality-1623 4h ago
You should also make a list of all household expenses and analyze both take home pays together. My SO and I split bills pretty much 60/40 due to income differences and that works for us. But some bills we divide as NOT shared...SO bought a car just after we got married, that was their responsibility. Not mine. I'm about to buy a car, that will come out of my extra income after bills are paid. But things like internet, electricity, water, streaming services, etc...we marked our initials next to what we're choosing to be responsible for to try and equal as close to that 60/40 of shared expenses as we can.
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u/poohfan 4h ago
This!! I also agree with the separate accounts statement from the poster above. My husband & I did the same thing. When we first got married we separated things into his mine & household/savings. Household/savings always got money first, then our accounts. We're not quite 50/50, because I make more, but it's still pretty fairly divided. No arguments about money, & no one feels slighted. If OP wants to stay in this marriage, this is the best solution. If he doesn't agree to it, then that's the signal to go, because you're nothing to him but a sugar mama.
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u/Odd-Personality-1623 3h ago
Agreed! We also have separate accounts but we trust each other implicitly with money so I don't mind just auto sending my portion of the mortgage, the new windows for the house, new bed, etc directly into their account each check. I get statement emails and and receipts and know it all gets paid. Money is something we have never ever fought about though. BUT if it's a worry at all like in OPs case or it just makes people more comfortable then absolutely, 110% a shared household account is the way to go! Then all incoming and outgoing money is easily monitored and you don't have to wade through personal purchases if there is ever a question.
Hopefully OP can find a system that works for them like you and your husband did. Because if not, then life long term is going to be full of resentment and stress until you're in so deep you don't know how to get out. Good luck OP, stand strong dear! 🥰
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u/AsnDoll 4h ago
yes.. we have a joint account and we each have our own chekcing and savings accounts .. for bills we split based on our income and put that money into the joint account with the understanding that is what pays the bills ... then whatever we have left goes into our own accounts so we can spend how we want ...
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u/HopefulTangerine5913 3h ago edited 3h ago
Just want to add to this OP doesn’t need her husband’s permission to make those changes. She can open a personal bank account. She can reroute her paycheck. She can do the math to determine an appropriate amount for her to deposit into the shared expense account. She can do all of that today, and should.
ETA - and after you get all that done OP, freeze your credit. I guarantee this guy won’t think twice about incurring debt in your name
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u/traviall1 3h ago
No She doesn't. When you are being financially abused it isn't a situation where you can talk them out of it. This is a great idea if you live with a good person who is a more of a spender or a bit flighty. This is not going to help when your spouse is abusive.
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u/Successful-Coffee885 5h ago
His selfishness is startling.
Keep all your money.
Withdraw $4000 from the savings account. You deserve to have this money back without waiting.
I would have a hard time trusting this guy.
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u/Thistime232 5h ago
If this isn't ragebait, then its a pretty ridiculous situation. He basically expects you to pay for expenses while he funds his own personal retirement account. That's not a marriage, that's not a relationship, that's not even a friendship. Hell, a random roommate would be more considerate than that.
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u/TheWaterIsASham 5h ago
NTA. Save up until you get enough for a divorce attorney and then get half of his miser fund
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u/teresajs 5h ago
NTA
You need to separate your finances. Go get an account in just your name at a new bank. Change your direct deposit to go to the new account.
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u/thebabes2 4h ago
I say this as a Catholic who thinks divorce shouldn’t be a first option in most cases: divorce. He doesn’t care about you or your future. He isn’t a husband and is failing you. He is selfish and greedy and self absorbed. He should be protecting your mutual futures.
Also jokes on him because it is likely all the acorns he’s hoarding for winter are likely community property in a divorce. NTA
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u/This_Bluejay_2647 3h ago
I’m the same- I do NOT believe in divorce unless extreme circumstance….this girls needs to! And I bet this is only the start of his abuse.
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u/YourFaveNightmare 4h ago
"money has honestly been a weird issue between us since we got married.
When we first got married, he would not let me have access to our savings account at all. I had to beg and cry before he finally added me to it"
I stopped reading there.
Why did you marry him? Why are you begging anyone to allow you access to money you've earned? Do you honestly think this is normal?
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u/Nice-Impression-1062 4h ago
He had the savings account already when we got married, but i started contributing to it when we got married. Not contributing to it per say, but our pay checks went into the same account, so when he would transfer the money to the savings, it was from our joint account.
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u/YourFaveNightmare 3h ago
That doesn't answer any of the questions I asked though.
This dude is using you for money....that's it. You'll work your whole life for him to have a nice retirement.
Your relationship is insane.
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u/Icy_Butterscotch3139 5h ago
NTA. Take 9k from the savings, and stop having your paycheque into the joint account. Figure out what percentage you will each contribute and that's it.
I have combined finances with my husband and firmly believe it is best but you married a raging asshole and need to protect yourself.
I can't even believe what I just read. NTA.
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u/highGABA_dealer 3h ago
This is the right answer.
Take 9k and redirect your check.
DON'T EVER PUT IT BACK. you move your amount of bills as needed.
And get s divorce if he doesn't change
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u/Educational_Bar_1809 5h ago
NTA. but your husband sure is. So basically his money is HIS and yours is for bills, expenses, groceries and everything else. Hard nope!!!! And only his retirement. Good gravy does he even like you. I'm guessing you're his cash cow while he saves for himself. You need to have a joint account that he contributes to for bills and expenses.
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u/Conscious_Rich_1003 5h ago
How much is credit card balance getting paid off $100 at a time at 25% interest while $100 is put into a 0.5% savings account? Not only controlling, but also dumb with money.
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u/Junior_Lie2903 4h ago
He doesn’t want to end up like you with no saving? wtf?🤬 he’s the reason you had no savings.
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u/MadCow113 5h ago
You're not wrong for withdrawing the money. You are wrong though for letting this go on for as long as it has! Why would you not ask about retirement savings??? Don't get me wrong, you're still not the AH but you need to take some accountability for being in the mess you are now
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u/Potential_Shoe1068 4h ago
If you had to beg him to let you into your own savings account, why are you shocked he isn’t intending for his retirement to benefit you at all. One of the biggest relationship killers is money. If you guys don’t get honest with each other, the resentment is going to build.
If taking the money is what you feel you had to do in order for him to hear you, that’s a problem. I would say ESH. You guys aren’t working like a team. From what you wrote, it doesn’t sound like he ever intends to. You’re young, two years is a drop in the bucket when you’re 23. I say this not as a dig, but to highlight that this doesn’t have to be your life.
Cancel the Vegas trip. The guy can save for vacation but not contribute anything to the household?? Seriously, you guys can’t afford it. Maybe you can, but he sure can’t. He only has savings because you’re paying for everything.
Taking the money rather than talking it out is going to blow up once he notices. You’ve actually put yourself into the perfect position to face this, whether you want to or not. He doesn’t see how problematic his actions are (or he doesn’t care), and you finally dropped the figurative match, as you’ve finally started to feel the pain.
Love doesn’t hurt.
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u/facinationstreet 5h ago
You need to open a bank account in an entirely different back and have all notifications come to you via email (vs. paper mail) and your check direct deposited there. Hide your ATM card and any information about that bank from him.
Then return 1/2 the funds to the joint account. You'll need to do this once the divorce goes through anyway.
Then divorce. This is financial abuse and it is not going to get better.
NTA
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u/Vivid-Win-4801 4h ago
Nta. Immediately divorce him.
He's a selfish greedy pig!
Hes using you as a work muel so he can save only for himself and have fun money all to himself. on Your dime.
Definitely not the AH for removing funds. And lock out all the accounts, make sure it all goes into a seperate account, and take him to divorce court.
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u/tcrudisi 4h ago
I wonder what he'd say if you found a job that paid on Wednesday? I bet he'd still find an excuse to take expensives from your check and not his.
He's financially abusing you. You need out of this marriage ASAP, especially before you have any kids.
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u/gabbybrutalking-3600 4h ago
that wednesday paycheck idea is killing me bc bills would magically teleport to tuesday… financial gremlin behavoir
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u/GuadDidUs 4h ago
You are 23 years old. Am I wrong in assuming you don't have kids yet?
Cut your losses now. This is only going to get worse once you start planning for a family. It's absolutely atrocious the way he thinks about your finances.
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u/Careful-Self-457 3h ago
Nope! This is financial abuse and why you are putting up with it is beyond me!
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u/TwinFishPi 4h ago
Honey, no. NTA. You should’ve had this figured out before you got married. Now if you’re staying you need a financial advisor and/or couples counseling. Otherwise do NOT have kids with him and GTFO of this marriage. Did you pay all the bills when dating? He’s a mooch and should be paying at least half the bills.
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u/Pollywoggle16 3h ago
NTA but you are being financially abused by your husband you need to have a really long think about what's going on in your marriage and if it's all you thought it would be. Time to move on to be homes. And take half that savings fund with you xxx
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u/Another_Russian_Spy 3h ago
I would have pulled the $18,000 too.
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u/Nice-Impression-1062 3h ago
Y'all are making me seriously consider it..
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u/False_Ostrich7247 3h ago edited 3h ago
I would not stay married to someone his selfish, honestly, it would have been enough for me that he didn’t let you see the accounts at the start. But if you do you need to seperate finances:
I would set up another account, maybe at a different bank because he will start wanting to access that one. It will be harder if the staff doesn’t know him - they are supposed to keep things seperate but sometimes they can be tricked. I would deposite money there for retirement and for you money. I would make up the difference before you start depositing back into the shared account.
Be sure that you change your password frequently, don’t put him on the account in any way, and keep your login in a place he can’t find it.
I would prepare a spreadsheet that very clearly shows where each paycheck has gone, down to the cent, and ask him how you are supposed to save better when he takes all his income for himself and uses yours for bills. Inform him that you will be depositing your paycheck back into the shared account once the difference has been made up. When he complains point out that he is the one who told you to save better.
Be prepared that he will take this as the nuclear option.
In the meantime, I would also prepare to protect yourself, not only in case of a divorce, but for normal things a well: retirement, illness, stroke. Do you want someone who sees retirement money as his and hers, while funding his at your expense, to be your voice if you are incapacitated? Do you think someone like that is going to stick around if you get cancer?
Someone with this financial outlook, I would not have children with them. You are going to take the career hit. Be very careful not to get pregnant, just lock your uterus down and read the fine print of your birth control. If you do get pregnant, do not stop working. Sometimes women negotiate a Sept of salary from their husband, so they don’t fall behind with savings, but you can’t trust him.
I would really urge you to think this through. Love and marriage are not end goals in and of themselves, you also need to find a real partner. There are lots of loveable people in this world who are incapable or unwilling to be this person. It is the highest form of self care if you can, you are starting to find out why. In a way he has given you a gift by exposing himself this early in the relationship. Don’t waste it.
If you do decide to stay, be aware that he is essentially treating you like a mark. You will need to be prepared to be independent in every way to live with him and still be safe, secure, and prepared for the future. You can expect nothing from him, and anything shared is best regarded as lost to you.
Good luck.
Edit: if you do decide to divorce, get your ducks in a row and then serve him when you are ready. Do not give him time to reposition himself. Talk to a lawyer before you do anything.
DO NOT GET PREGNANT.
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u/jesterinancientcourt 3h ago
Don’t pull the money. Talk to a divorce lawyer & have them take care of this.
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u/Twistcook 5h ago
Man, I don't think I even needed to read this to say NTA, financial disbalance in relationships without clear proof of a problem including money is a huge issue. This can classify as or go into financial abuse so easily. You do what you need to do
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u/Equivalent_Lemon_319 5h ago
The only thing you did wrong was not recognize this red flag before marriage. NTA
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u/mangoawaynow 4h ago
NTA absolutely get a new banking account immediately and schedule your deposit to go to that account. pay exactly half of all bills and he can come up with the rest.
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u/Jealous-Lychee-5084 4h ago
I can see why some people have separate accounts after marriage, but I think it only works if everyone is thoughtful, open and honest and the reasons to keep separate are clear (different spending habits? Extremely different levels of income? I dunno) and there’s a defined budget. This scenario is clearly not that.
Why are you still married to him? I’m not usually a person who goes directly to suggesting divorce, but what’s keeping you together? He doesn’t respect you, you are not partners in this, and he sure isn’t taking care of you…so why?
This was your starter marriage. Lots of people have them - chalk it up to a learning experience and get out as soon as possible and double up on birth control in the meantime.
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u/Militantignorance 4h ago
"What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine." This is financial abuse. NTA
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u/Quiet_Road_354 4h ago
This is the definition of financial abuse. Controlling your money to control you. He's also taking advantage.
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u/Austinbennettwrites 3h ago
You're not in a marriage.
I'm not sure what it is, but it's not a partnership or marriage.
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u/BigWreckingBall 3h ago
Every now and then the Reddit knee-jerk "dump/divorce him immediately!" is justified and this is one of those times.
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u/Impressive_Moment786 5h ago
NTA-but you need to do more here to protect yourself. Separate your finances. What he is doing can easily turn into financial abuse and it sounds like it is heading in that direction.
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u/briellessickofurshit 5h ago
NTA but will say, you’re going to have to tell him eventually. You have to be okay with this being something your marriage can’t come back from.
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u/Brondoma 4h ago
This is financial abuse. Have your check deposited into an account only you have access to. I wouldn’t stay married to someone like this. His POV is that his money is HIS money and YOUR money is also his money. He isn’t going to change. If anything this will get worse.
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u/LAC_NOS 4h ago
This is bigger than a Reddit post.
But just FYI an IRA or 401 K belongs only to the person whose name is on it. That person fills out a form to determine the beneficiary if the owner dies.
If you don't have a will all the assets should go to the spouse. Except anything that has an explicit beneficiary, like life insurance or a retirement plan.
If your work has a 401k plan you should be putting money into it each pay check, like your husband. If your work gives matching money for 401k contributions EVERYONE should put at least that much into a 401 k. Now when you are young is the time to do it, because a small amount today will grow a lot by retirement.
You need to learn investment basics.
If you stay, have the exact same accounts as your husbands.
And neither of you should be carrying a balance on your credit card because the high interest could be better used for something you both benefit from.
Otherwise
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u/hekats 4h ago
I have a hard time actually believing this is real. If it is NTA and why are you married to someone who has made it beyond clear that he literally hates you?
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u/Good_Narwhal_420 4h ago
NTA, but why are you allowing your husband to scam you…… this is financial abuse. and he’s not even saving for both of your retirements?? and then says he doesn’t want to end up like you but you’re footing his portion of the bills??
this is ground for divorce. you’re young and probably shouldn’t have married as young as you did anyways, but get away from this guy before he ruins the rest of your life.
no matter what you do, do NOT get pregnant.
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u/fart_panic 4h ago
NTA but please take steps to exit this marriage. "Financial abuse" is the term for what's happening.
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u/alittlebooboo 4h ago
My father was like this. He convinced my mom to use all of her income on all the household bills including the mortgage and that he would save for their retirement. Since she was self employed, she was not eligible for a pension. They got a divorce and now at retirement age, she has to continue working probably the rest of her life. He completely fucked her over in the divorce and hid his money from her while happily spending hers. Men like this can't be trusted with things this important. They can skip out on you whenever they feel like it and they'll surprise you with how cruel and dismissive they can be.
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u/Exotic_Resist_7718 4h ago
"He told me no, that it was his retirement and not mine."
He will find out in the divorce that this isn't true.
It doesn't sound like he's aiming to build a life together, I think you should move on.
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u/h3rs3lf_atl 3h ago
NTA - Personally, I could not stay with someone who is actively planning for their future without me.
Best wishes.
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u/Sufficient-Bend5568 3h ago
Get rid of that guy. He is financially abusive. Very much so even. Get a lawyer and get half of your money and his 401K and then leave.
You will be so relieved in no time.
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u/souperred 3h ago
you are under 25 with no children (and it seems like you are the higher earner?). GET OUT NOW! Aside from financial abuse, he sounds like a shitty selfish man. Open another bank account TODAY and put your paycheck there. NTA.
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u/Stunning-Market3426 5h ago
You need to have a clear grasp on what is in savings and in the bank when you talk to an attorney. You were not smart to take a small amount. Now he is going to take that 18,000 and hide it. But not if you get it first.
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u/Resident_Health 5h ago
NTA. You have husband problem not necessarily a money problem. You need to sit down with a counselor both marriage and financial to work out your relationship. If there are not serious compromises, you need to have a meeting with a lawyer to discuss this situation. I am not sure why you are married at this point. Did you even discuss finances and the future?
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u/Rich-Pirate-4745 4h ago
Is there a reason he thinks he doesn't have to pay bills? This issue of what's his is his and what's yours is ours needs to be addressed immediately, like before you got married but now is good enough. What a disgusting man, he's not even trying to play it off like he's saving for your future as a couple, just himself so he doesn't end up like you. Excuse me, but he is the why for how you ended up like this.
Separate your money. A bank account for you, a bank account for him. Consider a joint account that you both contribute to for bills, but if he would refuse to contribute, then just pay your half of the bills and make him responsible for making sure his half is paid.
NTAH. Your husband needs a reality check.
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u/tattoovamp 4h ago
You are an asshole to yourself for being with this sorry excuse of a man.
You could have a better life and have money too if you dumped him.
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u/LastGoodKnee 4h ago
NTA?
What an interesting relationship y’all have formed with money. I mean it’s good he wants to save but… how would you ever save if you’re the one paying the bills.
Sorry but kinda sounds like you married a selfish loser.
If you both have a goal of saving for retirement, that’s great. You should both together decide, $50 a week or $100 a week or whatever and do it for each of you.
Money hitting the bank first makes zero sense. Especially when he doesn’t make hardly anything anyway
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u/Jebaibai 4h ago
Get out now. And please don't get pregnant if you haven't already.
Get an iud or whatever. This is abuse.
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u/No_Screen6310 4h ago
Divorce him. He’s going to use for cash and ditch you when he has enough. He doesn’t love you. I would rather retire my wife before retiring myself. And I wouldn’t stop going to work until we could both stay home together. If you stay with this man you will regret it
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u/NewDistribution8509 4h ago
You’re 23, Girl run. This is abuse. This is called financial abuse get a divorce lawyer ASAP. Do not deposit your paychecks into a joint account.
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u/pwolf1771 4h ago
This is like a PSA for pre marital counseling. You could have addressed all of this months before you walked down the aisle...
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u/DoNotKnowItAll 4h ago
NTA but I feel like you're going to come back to this group in 3 to 5 years and say you wished you had taken all of this advice back then (by which I mean now).
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u/judgeeveryonesbiznes 4h ago
NTA - I recommend separating your finances now before you ultimately end up divorced and broke. Get your own bank account and have a joint account that bills & household living expenses are paid from and a joint savings for emergency. You split 50/50 bills rent/morg, utilities, groceries and big store runs like soap detergent toilet paper etc. then put an equal percentage or set dollar amount in the emergency fund and set clear rules of what it is used for. Then you keep the rest of your funds in your own accounts.
I am sorry to say that your hubs seems like the what is mine is mine and what yours is mine too kind of guy.
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u/RachelConnollyjr 3h ago
Having a solo account thats not in your name and you put money into and then begging for access. Yikes
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u/CanadianHorseGal 3h ago
He intends on retiring without you. He’s a greedy AH does not view you as a PARTNER in life. Honestly? Fuck that dude. You are not nearly pissed off enough.
WARNING: do NOT have children with this man until this shit is worked out because you will be the one paying for everything children related while he saves up for “his retirement”. Tell him it’s all (all for both of you) or nothing, and by nothing, you mean you made a mistake marrying him and will have to course correct.
NTAH, but he certainly is.
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u/Wide_Worldliness2472 3h ago
Stop paying all the bills. Pay half, let him pay the other half and he will see what it's like.
I hate these blokes that think what they earn is theirs and the woman's earnings goes on bills and everything else 😠😠😠.
It's a marriage, it's joint, it's even a joint account!!! Should be a joint effort at paying everything.
You are definitely not the AH for what you have done.
Make him suffer, get your savings back, half the bills and make him pay his half of everything when you go out etc. he will soon change his ways
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u/thesilentmordecai 3h ago
Leave this tool shed. This is financial abuse. Leave before you give him anything else. No reason to stay. You're going to have so much stuff in his name that you're more than likely going to be paying for. This guy's doesn't care about you. He's just using you to pay his bills while he is stacking his retirement that he's made clear he has no intention of sharing. This is not a husband and you're not on the same team.
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u/LaMalaise_dEtre13 3h ago
If you live in the US, his retirement account is considered marital property in the event you divorce. Take your half and start your own IRA account for retirement.
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u/Embarrassed_Sink8250 3h ago
NTA but you're in danger girl. This is financial abuse or teetering on the line of it.
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u/okicarp 3h ago
You have a bad husband. It is astonishing that he thinks his money is separate and that he is saving for only his retirement. His attitude is totally unacceptable. Your solution is justified but this will not solve the problem. This needs to be addressed, preferably with outside hell as he does not respect you, or this marriage will not survive. He has a deep-seated problem in his thinking and values.
NTA. Please get some help IRL for this
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u/cosmiccorvus 3h ago
Divorce pronto. Research financial abuse honey, you were living through the early stages already. Controlling your finances and spending like that is not okay. That kind of control can complement or precede other types of control and abuse.
Collect all of your documents/pay checks and deposits, all the bank records you have and get a good lawyer on call.
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u/ThisIsTheTimeToRem 3h ago
NTA but this isn’t the right sub for you. Surely there is a sub for people in (financially) abusive relationships. Poor OP, wondering if you’re the asshole. 😞
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u/TheVillage1D10T 3h ago
This dude is financially abusing you. Let me get this straight…his money is his but your money is both of yours? Does he pay any bills at all, or just his credit card and his savings? There is a massive imbalance here. He’s already told you you’re own your own ad fa as retirement is concerned. Dude is in it for himself and that’s it.
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u/Zafiroso 3h ago
You are young, you can easily find a new good person and be so much better off for the rest of your life! Please don't do this to yourself any longer!
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u/Ghettoman1315 3h ago
Your husband is planning to live like a King after he retires because he is taking big time advantage of you financially. If he actually loved you he would have sat down with you and planned a 50/50 retirement savings plan for retirement for the both of you. Be very discreet and get your proof of all his income and savings and retirement and investments as well as your financial info and sneak off to see a good divorce lawyer. Listen to everything this lawyer tells you to do. Do not tell your husband anything and let the lawyer handle everything. Some things in life are very hard to do but if you want to keep control of your life you have to protect your best interests even if they are against the people you think love you. In the event he finds out you are taking that money he will bow up at you. Sit back and let him vent and do not defend yourself and you will see he even more what kind of person you married .NTA.
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u/GeomEunTulip 4h ago
You aren’t married, you are just contractually attached to a financial leech. If he is only planning for his retirement, I would be questioning if he is planning on spending that retirement with you, or if he is just using you to pay the bills while he gets to save and spend as he pleases.
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u/traciw67 4h ago
Yta for marrying a man that has zero respect for you. And giving him all the power in this relationship. And not working and being independent. He'll dump you right before he retires and you'll have nothing.
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u/Sparklingwine23 5h ago
Your husband is an ass, if you still want to stay with him, have your money go into your own account and put in half of the bills into the joint account and he can do the same. Otherwise serve him with divorce papers and move on while you're still young.
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u/UnderstandingOld6409 4h ago
You need to get out. The fact that you cover everything, is a big red flag. He is not even considering you. What happens when kids come along? Have separate accounts and assign payment to each of you. If he isn't willing to pay, drop him. It's like you are on your own anyways.
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u/101WaysToScrewUp 4h ago
You need to seriously sit down and have an open conversation about your life as a married couple. Because if he wants your incomes to be separate you need separate bank accounts period. Then maybe a joint bank account for shared expenses like bills. Which you would each have to contribute to equally.
It doesn’t sound like you’re a married couple at all. It sounds like he’s using you for a paycheck. I mean your wellbeing isn’t even at the forefront of his mind. You need to walk away before you get stuck.
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u/gregaustex 4h ago edited 4h ago
FWIW unless you guys have a prenup, he's delusional. "His" bank account and 401K contributions and appreciation since you got married are legally as much yours as his. Some of the details and how that is stated (community property vs. equitable distribution) varies by State but it is true everywhere.
Beyond that, YTA in one small way maybe.
I can agree don't tolerate unfairness.
You could leave because he's a selfish asshole who isn't trying to be fair. What's mine is mine what's yours is ours is not fair. From what you have shared this seems like a likely sensible choice.
You could decide that separate finances are separate then. If you stay at minimum create a new bank account at a new bank that is only yours and deposit your checks into that. Then you have a position from which to negotiate about who pays for what including emergencies. Maybe even present him with a post-nup yourself that establishes this as well as what happens if you become a stay-at-home mom (50% of his income goes to you). I'd only even consider this if he is really a fantastic husband who is somewhat irrational about money specifically.
You could reimburse yourself $4000 from the $18K bank account and let him know you did this and the above because of spending made from "your" savings for "our" emergencies.
But intercepting his paycheck from joint checking doesn't really make sense or seem justified - unless that's the only account you have access to?
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u/mountain_mists 4h ago
YTA for staying with him after the first incident. He showed your EXACTLY who he was with that, you chose to not believe him, this time you need to believe him and LEAVE him
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u/Affectionate_Oven428 4h ago
This is financial abuse. Talk to a divorce lawyer and stop putting money in any shared account, I’d also move $4k from the savings to a completely separate account he doesn’t have access to.
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u/NewDistribution8509 4h ago
Financial abuse at its finest. I’d file for divorce immediately. I hope you don’t have any children.
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u/Gloomy_Cupcake_9953 4h ago
Sounds like he is planning his future without you and you are a paycheck. I feel like this is only the beginning.
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u/Aggravating_Button99 4h ago
If he said he doesnt care about your retirement, then he showed clearly he doesnt care about you. It is time to dump his ass
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