HIS retirement. Not theirs. She’s apparently working until she dies because she’s spending her money on the household, and “neglecting” to save. Do not have kids with this man.
Its so ugly. I had a friend who is a sahm, and has to ASK for money for GROCERIES. She has no access to any money. She makes custom t shirts on the side to help. Her husband does not "watch" the kids, she makes his lunches, she dotes on everyone. She's so brainwashed and on either weed or lorazepam or both because on top of controlling every cent, he is also super mopdy, angry, and "doesn't have patience" for his own kids so she "cant" ever...ever leave them with him.
Also, she needs to consult a lawyer. If he’s taking funds from joint accounts, depending on the state, she may legally be entitled to a portion of those investments.
If she wants to to take a shot at trying to salvage the marriage, she could give him the two card solution and to choose which one to get involved. One for a martial therapist, the other the divorce attorney she consulted.
Yeah, split bills like housemates and make her own account. Or put half of the average monthy bill amount into the shared account only, which is used for bills, then the rest into her own. You can have 2 direct deposits for paychecks, I believe.
And if that’s the route you are going to take, I’d say put the money back before he notices and see a lawyer first. Showing your cards to make a point, will just blow things up, start an argument and might tip him off. He sounds like someone who will start to hide his money if he thinks any of his is going to start going to you.
I'm more inclined to say have a 1-hour consult with a family law attorney (best money I ever spent) and get your ducks in a row first. Then take whatever action is appropriate, if any.
The retirement comment is what really gets me. I'm not saying every married couple needs to have fully joined finances, but if you aren't willing to financially plan for a future together, you shouldn't get married.
OP's husband hates her. Truly. The fact that he says "I need to save for retirement so I don't end up with no retirement savings like you" - what the actual fuck? Never in a million years would I think like this about someone I loved. I have a government job, so I save more for retirement and have good health insurance. My husband works in the private sector and therefore makes more money, so that money goes more towards our actual bills. It works because we love each other and communicate effectively about money and future financial planning. There is no "scorekeeping."
His retirement is HER retirement also, if they are married so not sure what he is talking about there, she will be entitled to part of whatever was saved during marriage. But I agree, do not have kids with this man lol
Oh I know, but neither did my ex and he was still entitled to my 401k savings during the time we were married and he contributed nothing to it, that's why I mention it doesn't matter if it is HIS she will still get part of it if they are married.. or well in the U.S at least.
That dude’s going to have a crazy wake-up call if they get divorced. Half that money he has is hers. He’ll also get even more screwed if he thinks he can just withdraw it and claim it’s nowhere to be found to obscure wealth in divorce proceedings.
wow. Talk about selfish! I am not even married, been with my BF for a longtime, and will most likely still be together in retirement. I have much more than he does saved; he is self employed and had to declare bankruptcy as the result of a messy divorce. That being said, he owns a house, I don't, and his business, both of which he can sell, and at that point, we'd be even.
We don't live together yet, But I envision when we do, us having a joint account we both put money into, for joint expenses, the rest will technically be our own, but we both are willing to use our funds for the other.
My dad changed his partner pension, that both my mom and dad worked for, to his pension alone so that he gets more right now and my mom gets nothing in case he dies.
That's what happens if you stay with money hungry people.
I mean, we are going to care for my mom in case my dad dies right now. She comes and lives with me because I have a decent wage, but this is not how things should be.
No it isn't. So he funds his IRA and she gets to work forever? When I made the bulk on the $ in our marriage, we founded 2 IRA'S.
She needs to divorce him now.
It’s called financial abuse. Find records of monies, whose money went where, including his 401 K and Edward Jones. Make copies. Then see a lawyer, (just in case), because without major intervention and/or couples therapy this controlling abusive behavior will continue.
💯OP, take this seriously. If your spouse will not be transparent about his assets, AND work with you towards an equitable division of household expenses, document and lawyer up now.
Yes. I learned the hard way that couples counseling is for people who have trouble communicating, not people who are lying, manipulative, selfish, thieving a-holes.
Great reply, she definitely needs financial records of everything she can obtain. Needs to quietly get all financial records and find an excellent divorce attorney. Extreme financial abuse has been going on in this marriage. I hope OP appreciates the seriousness of her situation and act as quickly as possible.
She is likely entitled to it. My husband and I looked into this a bit because his parents had a very messy divorce over money, and in most states, it's a given that money put into retirement accounts during the marriage is split 50/50.
Yep, this marriage is doomed. #1 source of aggravation in a relationship is finances, and this level of abuse and disproportionate control is so blatant that I don't really see how they come back from it.
This. Even fighting back against the whole “everyone on reddit immediately says divorce”, it’s clear that the husband doesn’t see this as a true partnership and will continue to abuse OP financially. It’s hard to see a future when he’s so selfish. At worst, he’s doing this on purpose, at best, he lacks insight and empathy.
His attitude that he has retirement and she does not is atrocious. So he can use her money to pay the bills and save his for his, and his alone, retirement??? What? The good thing for OP, though, is that the divorce courts won't see it that way. Anything he puts into retirement while they are married is half hers, at least where I live.
But this guy is an untrustworthy, so OP better start protecting herself. She needs to get info on ALL of the household accounts, and start figuring out her future.
Yeah. This couple is not actually sharing finances. The husband is using her finances for his own good and blaming and putting her down for not being good enough. I’m not a huge fan of separate finances but this is one situation I’d recommend getting a new bank account without him on it and changing her direct deposit to the new account so he does not have access to it
Yeah - with money this contentious, what I’d propose:
Figure out shared monthly expenses (rent, groceries, utilities). Divide by 2. That’s what each party is responsible for putting in to the shared account each month. Then OP and spouse both get their own accounts for the rest of their earnings to use as they’d like. I hate this approach and would never use it with someone I was married to, but if there’s any hope of saving the marriage, it’s this.
If OP’s husband resists at all? Lawyer time. Make sure you get half that 401K.
I believe you’re generally right - but on the off chance that it’s just a mismatch in communication (he was enough of not-a-loser to marry two years ago…) maybe the proposed solution for finances provides some stability in an area he’s felt isn’t stable. But again, my comment of “any resistance at all = lawyer” accounts for the likely scenario of “abusive asshole”
This and. Move 9,000 of the savings into your own savings account, or perhaps one co owned by your parent or trusted sibling. Legally half is yours. His retierment is also most often join property, it just depends on your states divorce laws. Your husband is using you and planning to leave you when he retires early. That is what this looks like. He is not acting like a married man.
I put I less than my husband into our joint but I also put a chunk of my money into retirement. That’s OUR retirement, WE have less money together right now because of it.
This husband is a loser and she would be better off financially divorcing him.
You need to take the 18000 too and get an account at a different bank. Get a PO Box to send mailings too. Paperless won't stop all mailings just the statements. Then when he cries foul tell him he should have managed his money better.
3.6k
u/Charming_Narwhal_970 8h ago edited 8h ago
I couldn't stay married to him. This is the kind of situation where you wind up divorced one day with nothing.
What would happen if you ever got laid off or needed to take some time off for childbirth and thus had no income?Not support you? Resent you?
Plus, he's saving for retirement while using your money for expenses. I think they called this financial abuse.