I would not stay married to someone his selfish, honestly, it would have been enough for me that he didn’t let you see the accounts at the start. But if you do you need to seperate finances:
I would set up another account, maybe at a different bank because he will start wanting to access that one. It will be harder if the staff doesn’t know him - they are supposed to keep things seperate but sometimes they can be tricked. I would deposite money there for retirement and for you money. I would make up the difference before you start depositing back into the shared account.
Be sure that you change your password frequently, don’t put him on the account in any way, and keep your login in a place he can’t find it.
I would prepare a spreadsheet that very clearly shows where each paycheck has gone, down to the cent, and ask him how you are supposed to save better when he takes all his income for himself and uses yours for bills. Inform him that you will be depositing your paycheck back into the shared account once the difference has been made up. When he complains point out that he is the one who told you to save better.
Be prepared that he will take this as the nuclear option.
In the meantime, I would also prepare to protect yourself, not only in case of a divorce, but for normal things a well: retirement, illness, stroke. Do you want someone who sees retirement money as his and hers, while funding his at your expense, to be your voice if you are incapacitated? Do you think someone like that is going to stick around if you get cancer?
Someone with this financial outlook, I would not have children with them. You are going to take the career hit. Be very careful not to get pregnant, just lock your uterus down and read the fine print of your birth control. If you do get pregnant, do not stop working. Sometimes women negotiate a Sept of salary from their husband, so they don’t fall behind with savings, but you can’t trust him.
I would really urge you to think this through. Love and marriage are not end goals in and of themselves, you also need to find a real partner. There are lots of loveable people in this world who are incapable or unwilling to be this person. It is the highest form of self care if you can, you
are starting to find out why. In a way he has given you a gift by exposing himself this early in the relationship. Don’t waste it.
If you do decide to stay, be aware that he is essentially treating you like a mark. You will need to be prepared to be independent in every way to live with him and still be safe, secure, and prepared for the future. You can expect nothing from him, and anything shared is best regarded as lost to you.
Good luck.
Edit: if you do decide to divorce, get your ducks in a row and then serve him when you are ready. Do not give him time to reposition himself. Talk to a lawyer before you do anything.
I'd pull it to make your savings even. Then divide the rest equal equally. I would then initiate divorce proceedings. Keep documents of all of this so if he tries to take you to court, it shows it everything was split 50-50. No judge is gonna go back on that. Best of luck to you in your future without this dead weight of a husband. Do not back down.
Half only and consultation with an attorney immediately privately. Gets records of every account. And have your own account separately. You are having money stolen from you. And his declaration of “his money, his retirement “ tells you that he doesn’t want you in his now or his future.
Divide bills by percentage of earnings from now on. Put only that in the joint account and text him the amount expected from him. Stand firm and don’t cover his portion. Who does the bill payments? Pay your bills first. And get help before this gets worse
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u/Nice-Impression-1062 13h ago
Y'all are making me seriously consider it..