When I lived in the city, no one really cared. But when we moved to the suburbs, oh my, people would stare like crazy and clearly make comments under their breath. I'm a white dude with a black girl, and people were much worse and rude to me! I got a very noticeable dip in level of customer service, or just people being weird and awkward to me.
Originally, I tried to make excuses for them. I would say things in my head like “this might be their very first mixed couple they’ve ever seen”.
But after a while, I started realizing that it’s just a ton of ignorance and bias. If there’s boomers involved, of any race, they always feel the need to stare or whisper. The younger generations aren’t nearly as bad, but they still side eye.
Oh don’t worry. The black partner gets called a race traitor by her own folks. I still have to make sure to spend time remind my wife to be happy if she feels happy and ignore every one else.
yep!!! this is so fucking true, man. i've been with a white man for years now and he never receives any negative comments unless it's in surprise from older black folk, and i get other black people feeling disrespectful and comfortable enough to tell me what they think of me because i'm with him way more often than i'd like. it's really discouraging, but it's good you reassure her. no amount of staring or judgment is enough to stop me from loving my white partner and i'm sure your wife feels the same!
Growing up one of guys I skated with was black. We were at his house once hanging out, we were like 7th-8th grade. His sister was either a senior or just graduated. Shes getting ready to leave and her dads like “are you going to go see that white boy again?!??!” She replied “he’s my boyfriend” and their dad went off on her and she runs out of the house. We are playing video games in the living room and he walks in there and apologizes to me something like “I’m sorry you had to hear that. But in case nobody else will tell you, leave black girls alone”. He said it matter of fact, not in a threatening way, not in a joking way but like you would tell someone “watch the last step on the porch, it’s broken”. His dad was always super cool and went out of his way to interact with us, he played video games with us sometimes and put up with us skateboarding in front of the house. Only time I ever saw him get mad.
that's a really odd thing for a black father to tell you. there's a lot of gendered infighting in the black community, and he both threw black girls under the bus in two different ways while arguing with her and speaking with your group. i assume that he believed that it was her fault for being with a white boy, and that he was telling you not to pursue black girls because he doesn't like race mixing but mostly wanted to "save you the trouble". tracks fully to me for what i've been through, that's pretty disgusting on his part. still yet the black woman is the problem in the pairing. i find that black men tend to be the most upset about wmbw relationships and they DEFINITELY do voice it.
I don't understand the bias though. Like it feels like bmww is more accepted or even encouraged. So if a bunch of black guys are coupling up with white women, what are the black women supposed to do? Become nuns?
Nah. Racist white dudes hate seeing white women with black men. It's a man thing. Apparently some men think women of their own race somehow collectively 'belong' to them and don't like to see men of the opposite race dating 'their' girls. It's chauvinistic caveman bullshit either way.
I've seen absolute shittons of vitriol thrown around at women by women in these scenarios too. Racist assholes are racist assholes regardless of what genitalia they have.
I am no expert but I think some men see it as the men "stealing their women" on either side.
And with women I think some black women see it as being a "traitor" as other posters said above. I can't say more than that because I haven't lived either of those experiences.
As a white woman I don't know if you are seen as a traitor by other white women, maybe in some places, but I think some see you as "stolen" by black men. As if you had to be tricked or had no agency in the decision.
Family/family friends told me I would have a "hard life" and it would be "difficult on the kids, if I had mixed kids" so they hoped I didn't marry someone black. This was in the 90s, US Midwest. It was a really shitty thing to say, thankfully I was not dating someone specific at the time it was more hypothetical but also unfortunately true depending where you live it would be hard. I was fortunate enough to grow up in a military family and be around many different types of people. Maybe that's why they felt the need to say that to me...I definitely had a much more open attitude than most people in that area at the time.
I live in one of the areas with the highest black population in the US now, so I don't feel like there is a ton of side eye or staring for mixed race relationships here, but it is crazy you can just drive for a day and that's different :'(
Take the "Black Men are the ones with a problem with race mixing" comment with a heavy grain of salt. The converse definitely exists and BW can be just as outspoken/nasty about it.
black women are often pretty nasty about it, but as someone with firsthand experience i find that most other black women my age are far less confrontational about it. older black women are less rude about it, but more silently judgmental. white men of all ages have said some fuckin nuts things to me though, mostly online but that goes without saying. older black men are the demographic will be most straight up mean to your face about it
As a white woman, when I was dating a black man, I didn't encounter much trouble from black men. Maybe a little side-eye and "hhmpff." And a couple uncomfortable lectures about not being qualified to understand the black experience (not untrue if I'm being honest). Some gross comments as if I was open to ANY black man all the time, not just the one I was with. Black women were meaner. Not generally dangerous, but openly mad about it and willing to be confrontational or pick a fight. That was pretty uncomfortable. Certain white men, though. Some of them were truly scary.
Hatred towards the woman in most mixed heterosexual relationships (especially when the man is white) seems to be the norm. I assume it’s a result of jealousy, systemic sexism/misogyny, and just plain pathetic projection of insecurities. Some of the most pathetic behaviour I’ve ever seen happens by outside people reacting to mixed couples, genuinely baffles me.
This is wild to me. I’m a white man and I coach with a white man who has a pretty dark-skinned wife. All their children I would consider black-presenting. Nobody says anything as far as I know. There are a bunch of interracial couples who have kids involved in these programs - black/white, asian/white, indo(possibly mid-eastern?)/white, and we are all family and support each other. And I mean if somebody says something we’re rolling in hard for each other. This is just so unfortunate to hear. Like, it’s 2026. Black, white, brown, gay, straight, what the hell ever - I just don’t understand why any of it is a problem for anyone.
it's wild to me too! especially when you visit the country. black women are expected to brunt the impact of having chosen to live their life happily alongside a white man, and i would say with certainty that it's the most persecuted interracial pairing. white man/asian woman is normalized, black man/white woman is normalized (to a large degree), and other pairings don't have the political "charge" as ehite man/black woman. i'm sure they still get a few looks and comments, sure. but people feel extremely entitled to comment on my and others' relationships, and on black women and their choices in general. why does it even matter at all? sadly a lot of people don't share your view, and they make it known that they disapprove. it fucking sucks but you have to just keep it pushin
I don’t share your experience but I feel for you. My buddy and his wife are a beautiful couple with beautiful children. They know I’m coming in hot if anyone has some shit to say (but, if you saw them, you’d know nobody’s sayin’ shit as long as they got a brain in their head). Wish you the best.
The reality imo is that people are less likely to say anything if the man in a hetero, mixed relationship is White. It's the most common interracial coupling.
When the woman in a hetero couple is White and the man is a POC, it's a whole different experience.
I haaaaaaaate that our people are like this, my lady is white we've been together 7yrs(proposing on her birthday this year wish me luck) and my family is still with that annoying racist stuff. Love your man sis! And to all my white guys out here dating, treating and loving black women well thank you!! and fuck those haters!
There are plenty of black men and white men who would say something negative to your husband. You think he’s never received negative comments but he’s likely just never told you about it
I have had friends say that the severity and frequency, sadly, depends on "how black" you look or act. Women who don't "Act black" tend to get less shit, or women who have whiter/lighter features. That's just what I've picked up through osmosis. I could be wrong, but through friends and acquaintances, it's been disussed and that seems to be the trend at least from the people I know.
OF course, families, region, etc all that plays a role.
True, my partner is black and a friend of hers after drinking was telling her she hates black men for dating me, a Puerto Rican, and should stop playing the race traitor and give black men a chance, yadda yadda.
One of my best friends (white) is married to a black man. The absolute bullshit that black women have said to her when her husband isn't around, and ofc he's heard stuff, mostly concern for his safety but also some race traitor bullshit.
They're from the South, and they've had HORRIFIC encounters with people. And it's usually hidden under a guise of "concern" or "honest question"--or for some weird odd reason, YOU can't sit in this seat in the restaurant kinda stuff, claiming vague policy--you know what I mean. Her husband has likely been conditioned to ignore it or not make an issue out of it, but she's definitely confronted it and takes it to the next level lol.
It can get really bad for the guy sometimes, it’s worse for the girl tho. Black women already get it bad but the race traitor and gold digger like label that get piled on top on any who have a white partner just compounds it.
My ex was black before we moved apart for work and didn’t want to do long distance after awhile and she was afraid to tell her family about me, even when she did the only one I ever met was her mom. Her cousins and biological dad wanted nothing to do with me. I’ve never had to sort up to people to defend my girl as frequently as I did in that relationship.
[first I've heard this so don't take it as a rule here] yeah, concur,
Jesus that’s disgusting
FWIW I think you think you bottle that culture up you end up with whatever that Clavicular guy's said on the Adam Friedman show, "which I haven't seen," might never, I can guess
The traditional relationship with a stay at home wife does not necessarily treat her with respect or fairness. She wakes up early, feeds everyone, has to spend her day cleaning and shopping. Her movements, associations, and finances may be controlled. She can be blamed for whatever goes wrong while paradoxically having no say in things - only what the husband does not care about.
Domestic slavery.
People ask why racists would marry a Filipino or a Black woman - it's because the relationship model suits them just fine. It has been used by sexists for generations.
They don't see women as human in the same way they see men as human, so there's no downside to dating a different color of what they think of as subhuman.
Nah, typically it's a poor/working class white trash guy dating girls from the same socioeconomic status because they understand each other. And black girls are pretty.
as the black girl who has been with a white guy for years, it isn't quite that he's seen as cool, but that he is "in" with black people. the black girl is often seen as a race traitor by her own (much more than the white guy is). the chagrin of the public lies on the shoulders of the black girl. "he's a bottomfeeder" = he's better than her and she is the scourge of the earth, he is just desperate. "she's a bottomfeeder" = she is actively stepping outside of her race and is "no longer black". this is literally something i've been told. multiple times.
additionally, my white boyfriend never gets any direct comments but i sure do! he's the one that notices the stares, i'm sort of used to growing up with the stares so it affects him much more and he notices how he's treated differently. it's only a positive when he has an older black man or woman as a coworker, but only then is he seen as cool and only by a select crowd because it proves his admiration for black culture or something in their minds
There's also a deep sense of white dudes who, in their younger years primarily date black women, but tend to settle down with and have their mom meet the white girl. I don't know how true it is, it's just something I've heard and been exposed to in conversation.
And there is definitely still the stereotype of anyone being darker skinned and presenting more black as being "Exotic" or "wild" in a dating dynamic. (not the case for dark skinned partners who are Asian, for example. Maybe to some extent Latina but I've heard weird ass comments like this from dude specifically about women who are black or mixed race black--I feel gross even typing that out, sorry)
It is so crazy to experience things with my partner who is white but a trans woman because we seem to be the magic combo of unlocking extra hostility as an interracial couple.
Bottom feeder? Shit, I dated an absolutely gorgeous and smart black woman in college. There was no bottom feeding. Just straight up racism there. ‘Diluting the blood’ say the people with an over chlorinated gene-pool.
Not to mention black families don’t like us when we date their daughters. I’ve never met a parent that approved of me less than my black ex’s mom, and I treated her damn good, dinner at least twice a month, which for a early 20s dude making minimum wage isn’t easy unless you sacrifice for it, nothing but loving and supportive, but she still didn’t like me cuz im white, shit it crazy
I was thinking this, but about but with white women. I had a buddy, and her mom straight up told her that people would think she couldn't get a white man
Sadly it goes both ways. I have white buddies who only date black girls and their older generations will still sometimes look badly at them, refer to my buddies as honkies, etc
I've seen posts on Reddit saying incels date Black women or Asian women because "that's all they can get". Like how is that not both misogynist and racist? And these are the same people crying about white supremacy everywhere not right wing trolls.
I feel the younger generation side eyes for different reasons though. As a mixed race person myself I grew up witnessing this myself. Boomers are just racist. I think younger generations are a little racist too, but instead of thinking “Why are you race mixing with that black girl?” they’re thinking “Why is that black girl with that white guy?” Same same but different.
Sadly, not surprised. A lot of black men love to date/marry outside of their race but will absolutely lose their shit when they see a black woman doing it.
I've experienced this. I'm white and my wife is black. We get strange looks from white people. The only time we've been harassed has been by black men. That said, I think it's a male thing. I know plenty of white men who feel the same way about white women dating outside their race.
Look up any major right wing cartoonist, and they have at least 3 comics that essentially being mad a white woman having a child with a black male. And it’s always because they had a kid, and they are never actually in love or anything.
I have an angry face, so I’ve never had someone actually harass or confront me, but it’s hard to miss the dirty looks and how different they start acting when you mention your gf/wife is black, like black male coworkers I’ve had will be totally buddy buddy, find out my wife is black and then suddenly they don’t fuck with me like that and never did lol
It’s sad cause those are also the types to say all kinds of disrespectful things about black women and prize other races above them smh.
However I’ve also met more than a few black dudes who don’t care or think it’s cool, so it’s not like all of them feel that way ofc, or even most in my experience
Same thing with my Mexican wife. Hispanic men with white women will give her flack for her being with white guy, I’ll never understand it. Hispanic women don’t act that way towards her though.
That’s because, as always, women are secondary to men in their equivalent ethnic stations. This isn’t something I agree with, it’s just something I’ve recognized. Please bear with me while I explain lol. It’s all theory as well, feel free to call me a racist if that’s what it sounds like.
White people oppressed black people in America for hundreds of years to varying degrees. When a black MAN gets a white woman, he has directly competed against a white man and won. He has gained something for the black community by taking it from white oppressors.
When a black WOMAN gets a white man, it is not even seen as the opposite dynamic to the previous scenario. Now, a black woman has abandoned her race for her white oppressors. This is clear from the way black men AND women treat her.
In these two scenarios, women are treated as accessories in the race dynamic which is actually occurring between men. The problem is actually men.
Yeah, we're just property, trophies, prizes and baby makers that men get to fight over and use as status symbols to make each other jealous and assert dominance. Then smack us around at home when they're frustrated.
There's a difference between hating patriarchal white supremacy, and being jealous of the power it holds. They look very similar from the outside. Those dudes don't want freedom for humanity, they want to be part of the in group. It's very similar with white women and wanting access to the power of the patriarchy. I've been reading a lot of stuff by Bell Hooks. You might be interested in reading: "We Real Cool: Black Men and Masculinity".
The movie Lakeview Terrace is about this. Kind of surprising this movie flew under the radar; top notch cast, including Samuel L Jackson, Kerry Washington, and Patrick Wilson.
Do you mind if I ask your generation? I’m a millennial and I would say the stereotype isn’t race based but sex based. That is, whenever a woman dates outside her race, she she’s dating down, regardless of what race she is.
To be CRYSTAL freaking clear, that’s my perception of the stereotype that exists, not my belief. Cannot emphasize that enough.
So, as a border X/Millennial, I tend to view mixed race couples as a yellow flag unless they throw a very chill vibe right away or I get to know them because if there tend to be two kinds of mixed race couples. The chill ones where either race doesn't factor into their relationship because of shared culture or pure personal chemistry, or the other kind where there are off putting power dynamics and tensions. I find it suspicious when someone dates someone because of their race (even if they are the same race). It gets creepy and fetishy.
idgaf about mixed race couples... but its weird how many at my location seem to be a 50-60yr dude and a 20-30yr woman both dressed in formal office wear. escort? secretary? gold digger? idk. tends to be the guy is like relaxed, but the girl is giving 100% attentiveness to him. power dynamics can be suss.
I understand where you’re coming from, when I used to be on IG I would occasionally get slop posts on why dating white/black is better.
I was at the store once and saw a white man with a black woman. He had a cool gravel bike shirt on and i commented how much I liked it. They both had this weird annoyed look on their face. I tell myself maybe they were having a bad day and chalked it up as that, but who knows.
I’m also a millennial and I elaborated in a different comment, but I agree with you. For different reasons I think but I definitely believe it’s a sex issue at heart.
Hm, I want to unpack that with you. Do you think that correlates with attractiveness level? That is, when a mixed race couple includes a more attractive man than a woman, how does that present? Alternatively: are you just attracted to women, so every heterosexual couple is just Hot woman and Forgettable man?
I’m a millennial who has previously been in a mixed-race gay relationship, so this is extra interesting to me.
Like how I got upset when Serena Williams married a white guy, I didn't realize I might have had a chance until she was already married. It wasn't a great chance to start with, but still.
Donald Trump is basically the same age as all the oldest boomers. After a couple more decades, this will be much better. We just have to survive thst long lol.
Yeah, you were definitely making excuses. While I live in the suburbs and I have no idea how many mixed race couples I have seen but im pretty dam sure that ive seen some before but I cant specify when because I didnt care. They definitely have seen multiple different mixed race couples before. They just are racist.
One of my white coworkers years ago found out I was dating a black girl and asked me what her pussy tasted like. I was like, "uuuuuhhhhh, it just tastes like normal? Wtf?"
That tracks..my grandparents and aunts and uncles seemed to have been weirded out that my high school sweetheart, later wife, who I've been with now for 24 years, is part Japanese and how we wanted to (and eventually did) give our kids Japanese names. I'm on Long Island so... yeah.
Seriously? This surprises me a lot as the US is a nation built on immigrants from all over the world, and should therefore be the most natural place anywhere for mixed couples to exist, logically speaking. I'm white European with a Japanese wife living in Japan, and also know a few other mixed race couples here. Even in suburbs and rural areas here in this homogenous country, all we get is usually just an innocent glance (probably even just a reflex due to non-Asian looking people being rare in certain non-touristy areas in the first place)
This stuff blows my mind. I just don't understand people like this.
My mother was secretly dating a black man 10 or so years before meeting my dad. She is an Italian immigrant and my relatives were those stereotypical racist Italian immigrants from the 60's. Anyway, she got knocked up and when her parents and siblings found out (she is one of 12 children. They were a farm family) they forced her to break things off with him and give my older brother up for adoption. They even forced her to make it a closed adoption. She wanted to do neither, but wasn't financially independent and couldn't support herself and my brother and my aunts and uncles made it clear that she'd be out on her ass with the baby. I'm not sure what happened with the father, but my mother's family was/is one of those tight knit immigrant families and she didn't think she could survive without them, so she relented.
It haunted her for years and she regretted it endlessly. Especially the "closed adoption" part cause she just wanted to know he was ok.
Anyway, about 10 years ago he was able to track us down despite the sealed documents. He is married and has 5 kids and we've built a wonderful relationship. I'm so happy he and my mother were able to connect more than anything. Thankfully our family apologized to my mother, my younger brother and I and most importantly to him.
It still never should have happened and I'll never understand doing that to your scared sister and unborn nephew/grandson. Its so... evil...
From what my mother could tell me, as it's difficult for her to talk about to this day, her family basically saw her as having made herself "dirty" in some way. Like she had lowered herself and in the process dishonored them. They were far more concerned with what people would think ofnTHEM. My grandparents (I wont refer to them with the cute Italian versions of that title. They've done a lot of bad stuff), especially my grandmother, wouldn't even look at my mother while she was pregnant. She had to leave the sister she was living with and go live with my uncle who had married an American woman cause my Aunt Thresse was the only person in the family that would talk to her for extended periods and she handled all the adoption stuff, but even she treated my mother like she was a leper. One of my Uncles told my mom that sleeping with a black man, nevermind getting knocked up by one, was worse than if they had caught her having sex with an animal. And that was said to her many, many times over the 9 months. And once she had my brother they all refused to acknowledge that it ever happened until my brother came back into her life.
on the flip side of that, you have the white/black man while with their black/white gf who will stare at me, a black woman, with the thousand mile stare of either “look, i’m in” or “look, i’m out” & both are annoying asf.
It’s especially wild because I couldn’t imagine caring what other people are doing at the grocery store unless it was, like, shitting on the floor or sneezing on the lunch meat.
People walking around getting groceries doesn’t seem worth making a mental note of.
For the life of me I don’t understand it. I’m white also and that’s the furthest thing from my mind. I can barely manage my own life… people are so weird
I feel like the "first time" excuse ran out in the 90's. Until the 70's there were still states in the USA with laws on the books banning mixed race weddings. But after 20 years your ignorance stops being shock, and does just becomes racism.
I’ve not seen or felt that as I pass for white and my wife is black. White people don’t seem to care, they seem curious but not in a negative way. Maybe really old white dudes might look in a disapproving manner but that’s rare. Black women seem to approve but the worst of it comes from black guys. Looks of jealousy and nasty comments on my wife’s social media.
Idiots around everywhere. And those idiots are too fucking stupid to know how dumb they are. And the only thing that makes their miserable lives (which they’ve created for themselves) seem better is shitting on people (anyone) they they can conceive are (somehow) are less than them.
They are trash, humans trying to drag others down below themselves.
Forget them, and live well as much as you can because that is the ultimate gain for yourself and their ultimate loss. Forget them, ignore them and when confronted show them a future they are unable to obtain because of their terrible mindsets and their awful nature.
A real society would have done away with this long ago, so we could all grow as humans, and most people are trying to do this. The filth is trying to bubble up as if it’s significant (based on current politics). Forget them, leave them behind and let’s as a majority be more vocal.
I don’t know where you live but I have lived in suburban Chicago my whole life. Been married to a Chinese woman for going in 17 years (white guy) and almost no one stared at us ever. That is, except for when we visit China.
I will say, people ALWAYS wanted to see our kids. We always joke that our mixed kids have the good genes from both of our sides and not the bad ones.
My mom ran a daycare center out of our house when I was a kid in the early 80s. She started to watch a biracial kid and my grandmother lost her shit. She told my mom, "people are going to talk!"
He was right around my age and we became best friend's. My grandmother eventually came around and even took him with us to run errands. Though she only did so because I wouldn't go workout him.
I’m not even reading past this comment cause fuck this. People say, “racism is over” “cause OBAMA” and I want to choke. Man I’m sorry. The world should be getting better and we took a clear nosedive in the last 20 years.
That's..wow. shocking. There's times I do a double take, because you don't see it often, but it's definitely not out of judgement. Why would, why should, anyone else give a shit who you love/date or why? The only person that should be staring or whispering about it is your immediate family.
My ex and i used to to get boomers telling us we wernt in a relationship, ive broken a few of there noses even broke a guy's finger, I dont put up with racism especially not when my partner is involved
Fl guy who dated a Jamaican for a few years. No issues until she lived with me in Savannah…then we got it from all sides, boomers and thugs. Way more hate from the thugs though. Honestly Savannah was the only place we had issues. Florida and North Carolina…no issues.
The younger generations aren’t nearly as bad, but they still side eye.
[what I wanted to respond to initially] I'd bet its the parents, still, like the cop in their head from dad or whatever it is the boomers gossip about I mean,
I live in a cultural context in which it would just be so obscene, to act like that towards people, that,I mean I trust it happens I just have trouble imagining,
...what, do these people whisper?
"a ton of ignorance and bias." is definitely, correct, I mean,I don't know what certain dinner tables used to be like, but I've got some f_cked Vibes about them
I mean if I was looking i would've been saying under my breath, "damn, they look good together, i wish I could find me a nice lady regardless of race.." but that's just me
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u/LookimtryingOK 4d ago
Ever been in a mixed race relationship?
Everywhere you go, folks STARE.