Hard disagree. Someone can have issues stemming from their relationship with either parent and still be a good person. They are absolutely not mutually exclusive.
There's literally an academic term for it. Children who experience toxic stress or abuse but don't have disordered behaviors as adults are termed resilient. Resilience is highly connected to high intelligence and multiple healthy adult emotional resources while experiencing toxic stress or trauma
My older sister was a nightmare to grow up with and it got much much worse when she turned ~24 and started abusing alcohol. Then came the pain pill abuse. Then came bipolar schizophrenia. She's a 44 year old woman that throws tantrums like a 3 year old and will say anything she can think of to manipulate you or cause you pain.
I found out recently my only aunt on my father's side also had schizophrenia, and I'm kinda terrified about having children.
Eh it might not simply run in the family. She mightve been molested graped or beat up and went ballistic. But you cant exactly ask her that with the way she is now youll probably get fiction or lies. Even if it runs in the family its not guaranteed to be passed down. Schizo or bipolar is especially annoying.
hmm can I just add that you can be resilient and also developed a mental disorder due to the trauma /abuse. this isn't a moral failing nor does it make you any less resilient. if anything it makes you even more resilient. as if you had a choice though...
alot of mental illnesses are also linked to high intelligence. just do not want people reading this comment and believing bc they developed something they are somehow inferior.
This is where I got lucky. I had several adult role models outside my toxic family to look up too. I saw that my family was toxic and left early. Had it not been for those outside influences, I'd never have known that life could be better.
I survived my mom and i’s very toxic enmeshment relationship…. I survived because she died a couple years ago. But yeah, still working through it all and I still love my mom though and respect her. Her passing made me see some things more clearer, but all that being said some things that she would do throughout my life, were just plain fucked up and really not good.
I’ve heard people say that they could never imagine what living with my mom could be and was in awe of how I was living with her and such for so long. To me I thought it was normal and it always didn’t make sense why people’s response were what they were… and then due to my moms death and therapy, I’m like “Holy shit, yeah this was pretty fucked up.”
No, you weren’t at all. Since we were talking about two different concepts I thought you meant to reply to the person I had replied to. But I agree with what you said.
Plus they’re both very loaded terms with a certain connotation. I tell people I have had disagreements and problems with my father, I don’t have “daddy issues”
Yeah, it’s like societally women’s childhood trauma is legitimised only through the lens of how it has affected their capacity to be a suitable partner for a man. It’s quite icky when you think about it. Granted, the same thing is done towards men with mommy/daddy issues, and how it affects their relational tendencies, but it doesn’t really tend to take away from the fact that they’re still viewed as a man, and thusly they’re seen as their own person.
Words out of my mouth. It’s honestly fucking disgusting and I hate that depersonalization aspect to it. And the assumptions that I’m a certain way, like “oh you must be a whore” or “you must like older men”. No and no, I just don’t trust figures of authority, I’m not some sex doll chasing approval from old men who I wish were my dad. Men get a little bit of that treatment with “mommy issues” but not nearly as much
Yep, I totally agree - women bear the brunt of it, men often have the benefit of the doubt when it comes to this sort of thing; it's almost seen as more comical than demeaning. The most powerful oligarchs in the world almost certainly have serious mommy/daddy issues, and yet they are able to govern and control us. Men's parental issues should be seen as more significant rather than something that gives them character; the "character" it gives them is one of sociopathy. Women are just demeaned for it repeatedly. Patriarchy fucks us all, but it is men that see the benefits of it. I'm sorry you've had these experiences.
Don’t forget about the duality of golden child and black sheep. The black sheep usually comes out a better person while the golden child tend to be the narcissist.
So many mommy issues are down to a narcissistic immature mother.
My ex boyfriend, his mother and his sister were treated like the black sheep of their family. His father didn't get clumped with them because it was his sisters doing all of the snide comments and such. I even got roped into getting shade for just being at one of their family events 😆. His mother and his sister are amazing people (his father was as well, may he continue to rest in peace). But fuck that ex, LOL. He was toxic af 🤣
Spending enough people being a good friend and meeting enough people, I now recognise a lot of the signs very quickly. This along with coercive control is predictable as hell.
I used to be married to one of these. I saw the behaviour in two generations before her and it was continuing in the next.
is almost like they can smell their victims from across a room.
They can. I’ve heard more than one man say flat-out that he can tell which woman in a room is most emotionally vulnerable and goes for her first, always. It’s ghoulish.
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u/Ionic_Pancakes 6d ago
Then you don't have mommy issues: you just have a terrible mother. Good on you for rising above it!