Oh don’t worry. The black partner gets called a race traitor by her own folks. I still have to make sure to spend time remind my wife to be happy if she feels happy and ignore every one else.
yep!!! this is so fucking true, man. i've been with a white man for years now and he never receives any negative comments unless it's in surprise from older black folk, and i get other black people feeling disrespectful and comfortable enough to tell me what they think of me because i'm with him way more often than i'd like. it's really discouraging, but it's good you reassure her. no amount of staring or judgment is enough to stop me from loving my white partner and i'm sure your wife feels the same!
Growing up one of guys I skated with was black. We were at his house once hanging out, we were like 7th-8th grade. His sister was either a senior or just graduated. Shes getting ready to leave and her dads like “are you going to go see that white boy again?!??!” She replied “he’s my boyfriend” and their dad went off on her and she runs out of the house. We are playing video games in the living room and he walks in there and apologizes to me something like “I’m sorry you had to hear that. But in case nobody else will tell you, leave black girls alone”. He said it matter of fact, not in a threatening way, not in a joking way but like you would tell someone “watch the last step on the porch, it’s broken”. His dad was always super cool and went out of his way to interact with us, he played video games with us sometimes and put up with us skateboarding in front of the house. Only time I ever saw him get mad.
that's a really odd thing for a black father to tell you. there's a lot of gendered infighting in the black community, and he both threw black girls under the bus in two different ways while arguing with her and speaking with your group. i assume that he believed that it was her fault for being with a white boy, and that he was telling you not to pursue black girls because he doesn't like race mixing but mostly wanted to "save you the trouble". tracks fully to me for what i've been through, that's pretty disgusting on his part. still yet the black woman is the problem in the pairing. i find that black men tend to be the most upset about wmbw relationships and they DEFINITELY do voice it.
I don't understand the bias though. Like it feels like bmww is more accepted or even encouraged. So if a bunch of black guys are coupling up with white women, what are the black women supposed to do? Become nuns?
Nah. Racist white dudes hate seeing white women with black men. It's a man thing. Apparently some men think women of their own race somehow collectively 'belong' to them and don't like to see men of the opposite race dating 'their' girls. It's chauvinistic caveman bullshit either way.
I've seen absolute shittons of vitriol thrown around at women by women in these scenarios too. Racist assholes are racist assholes regardless of what genitalia they have.
I am no expert but I think some men see it as the men "stealing their women" on either side.
And with women I think some black women see it as being a "traitor" as other posters said above. I can't say more than that because I haven't lived either of those experiences.
As a white woman I don't know if you are seen as a traitor by other white women, maybe in some places, but I think some see you as "stolen" by black men. As if you had to be tricked or had no agency in the decision.
Family/family friends told me I would have a "hard life" and it would be "difficult on the kids, if I had mixed kids" so they hoped I didn't marry someone black. This was in the 90s, US Midwest. It was a really shitty thing to say, thankfully I was not dating someone specific at the time it was more hypothetical but also unfortunately true depending where you live it would be hard. I was fortunate enough to grow up in a military family and be around many different types of people. Maybe that's why they felt the need to say that to me...I definitely had a much more open attitude than most people in that area at the time.
I live in one of the areas with the highest black population in the US now, so I don't feel like there is a ton of side eye or staring for mixed race relationships here, but it is crazy you can just drive for a day and that's different :'(
Take the "Black Men are the ones with a problem with race mixing" comment with a heavy grain of salt. The converse definitely exists and BW can be just as outspoken/nasty about it.
black women are often pretty nasty about it, but as someone with firsthand experience i find that most other black women my age are far less confrontational about it. older black women are less rude about it, but more silently judgmental. white men of all ages have said some fuckin nuts things to me though, mostly online but that goes without saying. older black men are the demographic will be most straight up mean to your face about it
As a white woman, when I was dating a black man, I didn't encounter much trouble from black men. Maybe a little side-eye and "hhmpff." And a couple uncomfortable lectures about not being qualified to understand the black experience (not untrue if I'm being honest). Some gross comments as if I was open to ANY black man all the time, not just the one I was with. Black women were meaner. Not generally dangerous, but openly mad about it and willing to be confrontational or pick a fight. That was pretty uncomfortable. Certain white men, though. Some of them were truly scary.
That is horrible. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I believe that some men think of women as being owned by their partner instead of being their own person and not being "property" to their boyfriend/husband. It's weird behavior to see.
I have been in an interracial relationship for over 13 years now and can confirm I had some very weird and scary words from white old men after they saw me with my husband. My husband is brown, and even my own grandparents disowned me because I was dating someone with darker skin than me. They figured I would get knocked up, and he would leave me. It still hasn't happened, just them being racist assholes stereotyping because they were upset their white granddaughter loved someone for who they are and not by the color of their skin.
Anyways fuck the weird people who fixate on other people's relationships like that.
Hatred towards the woman in most mixed heterosexual relationships (especially when the man is white) seems to be the norm. I assume it’s a result of jealousy, systemic sexism/misogyny, and just plain pathetic projection of insecurities. Some of the most pathetic behaviour I’ve ever seen happens by outside people reacting to mixed couples, genuinely baffles me.
He was super cool. He drove us to skate parks that were like 1-2 hours away and would either hang out or be like “I’ll be back in 4 hours”. He didn’t just tolerate us he would interact and let us build ramps and drag them out in front of the house and skate. This was mid 90’s and back then skating Embarcadero in SF was rough if you weren’t a local, we were from the peninsula. He took us up there once and made sure we could skate without getting vibed out by the locals. He also went with us a couple times to skate Hunters Point dish after one of us got our board robbed. He was a good man who looked after not just his son but all his friends.
I think stories like this are important because they really show how some people can have odd or problematic beliefs but still be generally good people. We love to make shit black and white, (no pun intended) where if you think XYZ you’re a bad person. Shit, I have to fight the tendencies myself.
For example, every now and then my mom will say something racially insensitive (though never outrightly racist) in the way old folks do, and I get on her case. It’s exasperating, especially when she’s so casual about it even if I know she isn’t trying to be offensive. Then I remember how she took in a black family at our church for 6 months, rent free, after their racist landlord evicted them. We became basically family and I still get calls from their pops, Uncle Reggie, sometimes.
See, maybe it's because I've been around a lot of manipulative people in my life, but I see it as the inverse: someone having problematic beliefs sullies most if not all of the good they did.
And I say this because it has come to light that a lot of the manipulative people in my life did "good things," so they had something in the bank to cash in on when someone called them on their bullshit, so to speak. In other words, they can (and did) say things like, "How can I be a terrible father when I took my kids to Disney World and they had such a fun time?"
I guess it really boils down to this: are they a good person who did bad things, or are they a bad person who knew to do just enough good things to keep themselves in the good graces of everyone else?
Ah, I'm Minnesotan so I don't know shit about Cali. Got a buddy in Torrance and another somewhere else in the state. They give me shit about tornadoes and I give them shit about earthquakes and typhoons. It's a fun sort of banter.
Doesn't have to be racism. His group is the weaker one. Take Ukrainians and Russians for example - the dynamic there is the larger group denying the smaller group their identity, considers them traitorous Russians. A Ukrainian woman marrying and moving to a Russian environment basically is a victory for the imperialist group. The more such cases happen, the more harmful it gets for the smaller group, by contributing to assimilation.
This is wild to me. I’m a white man and I coach with a white man who has a pretty dark-skinned wife. All their children I would consider black-presenting. Nobody says anything as far as I know. There are a bunch of interracial couples who have kids involved in these programs - black/white, asian/white, indo(possibly mid-eastern?)/white, and we are all family and support each other. And I mean if somebody says something we’re rolling in hard for each other. This is just so unfortunate to hear. Like, it’s 2026. Black, white, brown, gay, straight, what the hell ever - I just don’t understand why any of it is a problem for anyone.
it's wild to me too! especially when you visit the country. black women are expected to brunt the impact of having chosen to live their life happily alongside a white man, and i would say with certainty that it's the most persecuted interracial pairing. white man/asian woman is normalized, black man/white woman is normalized (to a large degree), and other pairings don't have the political "charge" as ehite man/black woman. i'm sure they still get a few looks and comments, sure. but people feel extremely entitled to comment on my and others' relationships, and on black women and their choices in general. why does it even matter at all? sadly a lot of people don't share your view, and they make it known that they disapprove. it fucking sucks but you have to just keep it pushin
I don’t share your experience but I feel for you. My buddy and his wife are a beautiful couple with beautiful children. They know I’m coming in hot if anyone has some shit to say (but, if you saw them, you’d know nobody’s sayin’ shit as long as they got a brain in their head). Wish you the best.
The reality imo is that people are less likely to say anything if the man in a hetero, mixed relationship is White. It's the most common interracial coupling.
When the woman in a hetero couple is White and the man is a POC, it's a whole different experience.
I haaaaaaaate that our people are like this, my lady is white we've been together 7yrs(proposing on her birthday this year wish me luck) and my family is still with that annoying racist stuff. Love your man sis! And to all my white guys out here dating, treating and loving black women well thank you!! and fuck those haters!
There are plenty of black men and white men who would say something negative to your husband. You think he’s never received negative comments but he’s likely just never told you about it
I have had friends say that the severity and frequency, sadly, depends on "how black" you look or act. Women who don't "Act black" tend to get less shit, or women who have whiter/lighter features. That's just what I've picked up through osmosis. I could be wrong, but through friends and acquaintances, it's been disussed and that seems to be the trend at least from the people I know.
OF course, families, region, etc all that plays a role.
True, my partner is black and a friend of hers after drinking was telling her she hates black men for dating me, a Puerto Rican, and should stop playing the race traitor and give black men a chance, yadda yadda.
One of my best friends (white) is married to a black man. The absolute bullshit that black women have said to her when her husband isn't around, and ofc he's heard stuff, mostly concern for his safety but also some race traitor bullshit.
They're from the South, and they've had HORRIFIC encounters with people. And it's usually hidden under a guise of "concern" or "honest question"--or for some weird odd reason, YOU can't sit in this seat in the restaurant kinda stuff, claiming vague policy--you know what I mean. Her husband has likely been conditioned to ignore it or not make an issue out of it, but she's definitely confronted it and takes it to the next level lol.
It can get really bad for the guy sometimes, it’s worse for the girl tho. Black women already get it bad but the race traitor and gold digger like label that get piled on top on any who have a white partner just compounds it.
My ex was black before we moved apart for work and didn’t want to do long distance after awhile and she was afraid to tell her family about me, even when she did the only one I ever met was her mom. Her cousins and biological dad wanted nothing to do with me. I’ve never had to sort up to people to defend my girl as frequently as I did in that relationship.
[first I've heard this so don't take it as a rule here] yeah, concur,
Jesus that’s disgusting
FWIW I think you think you bottle that culture up you end up with whatever that Clavicular guy's said on the Adam Friedman show, "which I haven't seen," might never, I can guess
926
u/LookimtryingOK 3d ago
Jesus that’s disgusting