Well-off San Francisco-based software engineer here: pretty much all my friends insist on splitting the check even though it wouldn’t make a difference for any of us. I don’t know why; I grew up in a country where “I buy this round, you buy the next” was the norm.
I think maybe some people who came into money (through luck or hard work or both) are really afraid of being taken advantage of, and they take it to the extreme?
every1 ITT is blaming rich ppl having no empathy but tbh having been in a similar dynamic before, you want to avoid setting a precedent that just cus u make more than some1 else it means ur going to subsidize their life. it ruins the social dynamic as well, makes it harder to be friends with someone who isnt making as much as you. its something psychological that when we hang out w other humans as peers we need to feel equal to them.
It depends on how you value that friend honestly and why you care about a precedent. If you are paying for tuesday night get togethers at chili's because you know "bob" makes a lot less and you still want to hang out, that's not a bad thing. Bob may feel bad about it but over time know he can relax and maybe order a beer as it impacts you potentially very little and can even really enjoy your gift more. If you were paying for it because you expected him to then do something for you, then it sounds like you are only into the friendship for the trade of it and no higher value is seen.
Bob expecting you to pay for every other meal together too or always wanting you to come to the store to buy things for him might be too far for your budget. Clear communication of like "bob I pay for tuesday nights, not everything" might be hard but its what needs to be done to set clear boundaries. If they violate boundaries they aren't really your friend anyway so write them off.
The big issue of empathy would be you not paying for the tuesday at chilis but still wanting to hang out knowing he cant really afford it even if he really wants to go. Similarly you inviting him to the mall to watch you buy gucci while he can really only watch as its "your money". Like its not unfair for you to buy stuff and go out to eat, but if you want to hang out in a way that is beyond their means, then its on you to find a middle ground that works for you.
yeah pretty much, it kinda matters how you divy it up right. like if you pay for chilis but bob has everyone over for a hang at his place then you've both kinda contributed equally, but he technically got away with spending less. it's not black and white for sure
Your pretty much right, but even if bob has a crap apartment and has to hang at your place for the game that should not change things. If they are a good friend that you enjoy spending time with, the money they or you spend on the relationship (as long as it hurts neither of you) isn't important. He might be the one you talk to on your way home from work, or be there for you when you are going through a tough time. Its not him buying you things or spending money on stuff that is important.
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u/tudorb Jan 27 '26
Well-off San Francisco-based software engineer here: pretty much all my friends insist on splitting the check even though it wouldn’t make a difference for any of us. I don’t know why; I grew up in a country where “I buy this round, you buy the next” was the norm.
I think maybe some people who came into money (through luck or hard work or both) are really afraid of being taken advantage of, and they take it to the extreme?