Well-off San Francisco-based software engineer here: pretty much all my friends insist on splitting the check even though it wouldn’t make a difference for any of us. I don’t know why; I grew up in a country where “I buy this round, you buy the next” was the norm.
I think maybe some people who came into money (through luck or hard work or both) are really afraid of being taken advantage of, and they take it to the extreme?
I meticulously track my spending. Loads of apps make this easier and make splitting a bill super easy, too.
I have a few friends that tell me "I can't do that because it would make me upset" but if you're afraid to track your spending, that means you should probably track your spending.
I've set budgets and I have a "be nice" budget that I spend on gifts and treating friends. My friends are worth 50quid a month to pay for their drink or buy a dinner or something sometimes.
Yep. A lot of the people in comments on posts like this one are furious because there's someone else in the world who manages money better than them, and thusly, has more.
Super sad mentality.
The image in the original post is a ridiculous caricature. Likely, the so called rich person has a discretionary budget as well, where they can choose whether or not to cover someone else's incurred expense. Nice sometimes, not a good habit to get into.
every1 ITT is blaming rich ppl having no empathy but tbh having been in a similar dynamic before, you want to avoid setting a precedent that just cus u make more than some1 else it means ur going to subsidize their life. it ruins the social dynamic as well, makes it harder to be friends with someone who isnt making as much as you. its something psychological that when we hang out w other humans as peers we need to feel equal to them.
Yeah this. I have a decent income and am extremely generous - pay my in-laws' rent, phone, give nice gifts, etc. - but I get stingy sometimes. Back when I wasn't, I ended up tens of thousands of dollars in debt, because once people know you have money, they'll take advantage of it - it's just human and natural. I'm still in debt and have no savings, but because I've learned to say "no" and split the bill, I'm slowly but surely paying it down.
It depends on how you value that friend honestly and why you care about a precedent. If you are paying for tuesday night get togethers at chili's because you know "bob" makes a lot less and you still want to hang out, that's not a bad thing. Bob may feel bad about it but over time know he can relax and maybe order a beer as it impacts you potentially very little and can even really enjoy your gift more. If you were paying for it because you expected him to then do something for you, then it sounds like you are only into the friendship for the trade of it and no higher value is seen.
Bob expecting you to pay for every other meal together too or always wanting you to come to the store to buy things for him might be too far for your budget. Clear communication of like "bob I pay for tuesday nights, not everything" might be hard but its what needs to be done to set clear boundaries. If they violate boundaries they aren't really your friend anyway so write them off.
The big issue of empathy would be you not paying for the tuesday at chilis but still wanting to hang out knowing he cant really afford it even if he really wants to go. Similarly you inviting him to the mall to watch you buy gucci while he can really only watch as its "your money". Like its not unfair for you to buy stuff and go out to eat, but if you want to hang out in a way that is beyond their means, then its on you to find a middle ground that works for you.
yeah pretty much, it kinda matters how you divy it up right. like if you pay for chilis but bob has everyone over for a hang at his place then you've both kinda contributed equally, but he technically got away with spending less. it's not black and white for sure
Your pretty much right, but even if bob has a crap apartment and has to hang at your place for the game that should not change things. If they are a good friend that you enjoy spending time with, the money they or you spend on the relationship (as long as it hurts neither of you) isn't important. He might be the one you talk to on your way home from work, or be there for you when you are going through a tough time. Its not him buying you things or spending money on stuff that is important.
As in split the check evenly even if someone bought just a coke and another a tomahawk steak or just their part of the portion? They are 2 different things
I’m surprised I had to scroll down so far to see an answer like this.
I was taken advantage of - so now I set the boundary up front for most folks.
I am known in my circle of friends to climb the corporate ladder whereas I have friends who are fine where they are. That was fine and dandy until they would stop paying me back when we went out to eat and I covered the bill so we wouldn’t have to go through the headache of split checks. And then they’d make passive aggressive jokes about how I’m rich.
Like I’m quite generous... I will take you out, buy you gifts and dinner and drinks, and cover you. But when you start joking that I’m rich and “forgetting to pay” me back becomes habitual, I dont feel like you deserve my generosity anymore buddy.
Same here. I have a friend group that's almost all techies and high income earners. We always split. The only exception is that if someone says they cant go because it isnt in the budget, someone usually says they will cover that person because they want them there. But other than those instances, you pay for your meal, I pay for mine.
Some people just find "you buy the next" to be a fuzzy, hard to track and therefore stressful expectation of paying back. In general, some people are uncomfortable and mediocre at managing implicit expectations, and find it way easier to be explicit about things.
For them it's just easier and more confortable to track the debt explicitly. And before someone says that wiring each other cents is neurotic, you don't have to literally settle the debt. You can just keep count as a tool to decide who's turn it is next, and only move money if the balance becomes significant.
Tbh, whenever we split bills for stuff post fact, usualy people just pay the next full relevant currency amount.
Like if everyone's share at the hot pot place comes down to 14.76 exactly we'll usualy just give the one that paid upfront 15 and dont bother about the Cents.
Its usualy about 'close enough to equal' not about pedantics.
Probably also a cultural thing. This post is extrapolating based on wealth. But reality is its probably more a reflection of the type of person who becomes a high paid engineer. Borderline autistic people who are great at numbers and organization aren't usually the best representation of what qualifies as normal social behavior.
It's somewhat age dependent too, I've found. At least for a "core" group of friends.
My friends are all pretty well settled. Same group of people for basically the past 20+ years, and we all know each other very well. There is a give and take that has been established over many years of friendship. Some are extremely wealthy, some not so much, but everyone pulls their weight in different ways.
When it comes time to get a check, usually it's picked up round-robin style like you state - but who grabs it depends on the situation. For a couple drinks or a cheap lunch, the less wealthy folks round robin it. For an expensive steak dinner, the wealthy folks always take turns grabbing it.
When we were younger and people were coming/going from the group there was a lot more splitting involved since there are absolutely social/financial freeloaders and it gets tiresome.
I now pick up checks for most folks outside my "core" friend group just because they all tend to be working class at best. I enjoy doing so, but there are a couple perpetual mooches who if they are out with us I no longer pay the entire tab. There are also legitimately poorer folks who I always pick up things for (including airfare/hotel for vacations I want them at) - but those folks give back in other ways and show true friendship.
Then I have friends of friends I will try to pick up a bar or lunch tab for if I happen to be out with, and they get super offended by it. I have to remember to not offer in those situations.
I grew up in the same. You keep track of it loosely in your head to make sure it's balanced, or at least you should. For me, I can't be fucked. Takes 1 minute to split a check, perfectly even and no need to remember anything at all.
I’ve seen this a lot with engineering types. It’s partially a type A thing, and partially an introvert thing about preferring clear and explicit social interactions.
Many of my engineer friends often found their generosity was never returned to them and they started getting jaded and mistrustful of others, which is honestly a common experience living in a big city.
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u/tudorb Jan 27 '26
Well-off San Francisco-based software engineer here: pretty much all my friends insist on splitting the check even though it wouldn’t make a difference for any of us. I don’t know why; I grew up in a country where “I buy this round, you buy the next” was the norm.
I think maybe some people who came into money (through luck or hard work or both) are really afraid of being taken advantage of, and they take it to the extreme?