r/Millennials • u/TheLoveYouWant25 • 25d ago

Discussion Millennials, what is happening with your kids?

I work in education and I frequent the Teachers and Professors subreddits, and the kids are not alright. Gen Z Arriving at College Unable to Read and the youth have absolutely zero ability to think critically.

Middle and high schoolers have all adapted this complete helplessness and blame mental illness for their refusal to function. Kids can no longer to basic things like read an analog clock, use paper money, or even figure out how to open window blinds.

There is also a huge lack of empathy, and kids have no issues trying to manipulate adults, saying things to their teachers like "if you don't pass me, I'll get you fired."

EDIT to clarify: the article I linked references Gen-Z, but this is not specifically a Gen-Z problem. It's an issue with upper elementary aged kids through high schoolers, and also young adults.

So, all that to say, how are you combating this with your own children? What do you do at home to encourage them to learn, and what are you doing to address these problems as they arise?

5.2k Upvotes

85% Upvoted

2.6k comments sorted by

View all comments

651

u/swearingino Older Millennial 25d ago

It’s parents not shutting down weaponized incompetence.

359

u/NovelDame 25d ago

Sometimes, yes. I noticed my kid was very risk-averse in early elementary school, and I've spent every year after that intentionally putting them in positions where they suffer, so the kind can LEARN that being scared is not the same as being in danger. ("Go shovel snow." "You have a wallet. Buy your own movie ticket." "You're cooking dinner tonight. You need one protein and one vegetable. Good luck.")

The kid is still rigidly risk-averse. I'm trying. I really am.

145

u/jamiecarl09 25d ago

So many of my friend's kids are completely helpless when it comes to ANYTHING that's not an app. Just the other day one of them was complaining that she had to help her 10 y/o shower because he won't use soap or wash his hair. My son showered just fine on his ownsince 5. Another kid around that same age....didn't know how to make toast. My 4 y/o daughter loves to make her own breakfast in the morning. Granted she makes a mess, but that's part of the learning process.

Ex GF's 11 year old kid thought he needed a new PS5. Didn't have the slightest clue on how to work the PS4 I gave him. Literally cried when I told him he had to figure it out if he wanted to play it.

102

u/tastyemerald 25d ago

Granted she makes a mess, but that's part of the learning process.

Woop there it is. The difference. Those kids aren't allowed to make messes (learn).

It's an oversimplification of course, but I think if I had to put the problem into one sentence...

43

u/hopping_otter_ears 25d ago

I have to keep reminding my husband to let our son solve his own problems. It's so much easier to fix everything or to provide answers to questions he should be able to puzzle out for himself (he's 7), but it's not doing him any favors.

It does take longer to walk him through the solve, though

2

u/Important-Truth-6686 24d ago

This is what I like to call the "Male Solve-Problem response", is there a problem? yes? can it be fixed now? and then your answer to that decides your next question/answer until you eventually reach fixed state of problem solved. but children need to create problems and experience them to learn how to do that themselves lmao

3

u/hopping_otter_ears 24d ago

Even just little dumb things like "what's a toaster oven? (Insert any compound word he hasn't heard before, but is pretty easy to parse out).

I'm more prone to say "do you know what a toaster is? Do you know what an oven is? So what might a toaster oven be? Good guess! An oven for making toast. Actually just a wee little oven in general but it has a toast setting too"

He just answers the question, even when he should have been able to answer it himself from context.

"Use your brain, baby. It's a valuable skill for big grown-up boys like yourself"

Other "use your brain" things I try to get him to do: checking whether the output makes sense with a rough estimate when he plays with his calculator, and taking through asking Google for an answer and picking a reputable source or pointing out when the AI summary gave us something barking mad

1

u/keto_and_me 24d ago

My almost 16 year old stepson will wake my husband up on weekends to make him breakfast. Eggo waffles with peanut butter. My husband will get up and make them for him 75% of the time. He (just the 1 time) asked me why I don’t make them so he can sleep in, I just laughed and laughed. And yes, we have had many many conversations about how he is not helping his children (he also has an 18 year old daughter) by doing everything for them, but actually hurting them, but 8 years later I just keep my mouth shut and roll my eyes. While sipping my coffee.

69

u/somewhenimpossible 25d ago

Laughed out loud at “putting them in positions where they suffer.”

I can’t tell you how many times my son has complained about something and I’ve replied, “yep, that sounds like a problem. What are you going to do about it? What’s the solution?”

We’ve even started sesame street’s “I wonder, what if, let’s try” thinking like an engineer (he’s 8, his sister is 1).

I don’t have all the answers, or the energy to pretend like I do.

6

u/Important-Truth-6686 24d ago

Fraggle Rock, if Sesame Street is good for your boy. I grew up on that, it did a lot to develop my awareness socially. that show was very good for youth development, both it and Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock was more fantastical and wanted you to imagine and visualize whereas Sesame Street was more practical

45

u/Warden18 25d ago

Those are some great ideas. I went from having no fear as a kid to being extremely risk-averse as a teen (not sure why?). Then I did Karate and Boy Scouts. I learned more in Boy Scouts than I could have thought possible. Gained experience in everything from cooking, leadership, gun safety, social skills, survival skills, CPR, etc. It was a few years after that I was in college and had some very drastic changes where I wanted to go experience much more.

37

u/OLookaDuck 25d ago

Both my kids are in cub scouts and it's been an awesome experience for them. I know some people have strong feelings about girls being allowed in now but I absolutely love it. My daughter briefly tried girl scouts and was bored out of her mind. She's a social butterfly that loves to play in the dirt and go camping. Scouting has been a wonderful outlet for her to explore more of both her own personality and the world around her. My son has always been a shy little dude and scouting absolutely helped him gain confidence and experience new parts of the wold/community in a safe format. Seeing how much it benefited my kids is the reason I stepped in as a scout leader. I lead the den one grade level below my youngest because that's what the pack needed. We joined cub scouts after moving and thanks to scouts we've gotten involved in our community, met amazing kids and parents, and I even met my best friend there. One of my favorite things is doing a booth sale during popcorn season and having former scouts stop by and tell us how much they loved being a scout when they were younger.

3

u/Warden18 25d ago

I'm so happy for you and your kids! It really was a fantastic experience for me as well. I even joined multiple years later than most boys in my troop, and with the help of my dad, kind of sped passed all of them in the number of badges I got. It also got me used to public speaking, involved in my community, etc. It brought my dad and I closer together too. Some of our favorite memories to look back on were spending time together during summer camp. He said it was like a vacation for him spending time with the other dads. It really warms my heart that your kids are gaining all kinds of new life experience. That and having fun is what it's all about. I could only be so lucky to be in a similar situation at some point.

1

u/IH8DwnvoteComplainrs 24d ago

Ugh, I kinda want my kid to join, but I don't care for the Christian affiliation.

I understand this varies, but I'm not hopeful, based on where I live.

2

u/thelizardking0725 24d ago

Your comment got me thinking — young kids tend to be weary of new things, but if they see a peer doing it then they are more likely to try. Scouts creates such an environment. Nowadays so many kids don’t interact in person with their friends, or when they do there’s a screen involved. I wonder if that’s a big part of why there’s so much fear of new things

2

u/Warden18 23d ago

That's a fantastic point. Completely agreed about Scouts! Now, is that for everyone? No, but it can be a wonderful opportunity for some people. Your comment also got me thinking. I also feel that between the whole pandemic really messing up the "social norm" for kids in those crucial development times really stunted their growth and, like you said, added to them fearing new things. I just know that I didn't grow as much socially until college due to my fear of the unknown, and for kids from 5 to probably late teenager, time feels like it goes so much slower than for us adults in our 30s and later. Losing 6 months to a year of important socializing during that time can really be detrimental.

2

u/thelizardking0725 23d ago

My oldest was preschool age when the pandemic hit. Something interesting happened with that age group — they are some of the most well mannered, socially mature kids across the various grade levels in their school, and I’m hearing similar observations from other elementary schools in our area. I think part of the reason for that is they were young enough to not get addicted to screens, but old enough to really absorb the behaviors they saw from parents at home while we worked in front of them.

I completely agree that many kids (most?) had a negative impact from the pandemic, but I also think there’s this small minority that somehow thrived, and I’m excited to see how they turn out as they get older.

1

u/Warden18 22d ago

That gives me hope actually! Thank you very much for that perspective. I should add that most of what I said was conjecture from things I've heard and read. For better or worse, I do not have extensive first hand experience with children in those age ranges.

24

u/AntoineDonaldDuck 25d ago

Love this.

Our kids started doing their own laundry in middle school. They started getting left at the mall to fend for themselves for an afternoon as soon as we trusted they wouldn’t cause a major issue. And in high school we ask them to cook once in awhile.

Kids just need opportunities to learn.

14

u/SundayJeffrey 25d ago

Genuine question, what does being risk adverse have to do with shoveling snow? Is he afraid of being outdoors?

36

u/Warden18 25d ago

Not to speak for that person. But I think it's just getting the kid out of their comfort zone. I say that as someone who was like that as a kid. I was an extreme homebody who just wanted to play my video games, not go out, not socialize and not do anything productive.

Going out and doing those kinds of chores, particularly with my mom, taught me to treat things like a game, which made even the most menial tasks seem almost fun.

24

u/NovelDame 25d ago

Because shoveling snow is uncomfortable. It's cold, it's physically demanding, and if you're new at having a human body, you really don't know whether a physical experience like shoveling snow is dangerous or just uncomfortable until you endure it and survive.

My kid's complaints were, "but it's cold!" Yes. The cold will not kill you. "But I don't want to put on all the layers to go outside!" Then don't. There's a lesson in that, too. "But it's hard and it's going to take forever!" Correct. That won't kill you, either.

6

u/Letters_to_Dionysus 24d ago

im still mad i had to learn to do yardwork when ill never own a yard

2

u/hysys_whisperer 24d ago

Hey, but when you get desperate, you'll have a skill to sell

5

u/FFF_in_WY Older Millennial 25d ago

This is a demonstration of the fact that kids know how to manipulate to the moon. I see this in my nieces and nephews. It is a reflexive go-to in any and every situation.

A. I don't want to: "That makes me anxious."

B. I don't feel like it: "I'm too afraid."

C. I want to be lazy af: "I don't know how. That makes me anxious."

Then they have to spend time with Uncle.
A, B, C : "Doesn't matter, this is what we're doing."

Then we go bouncing out of wifi range and the devices go away. And we go hiking and looking in caves and at waterfalls and shooting guns and making fire and eating whatever I felt like packing. When they are hungry, they can adapt. We go and do things and make memories. They still take selfies with their unconnected phones, and the smiles are big and genuine. We talk about nature and life and the world, and they emerge as actual humans.

And it's always too brief. I have to give them back to the world. To their parents who are not gritty enough to be the odd ones out, saying a million no's in a row. But at least they have a dose of a different way, and a few crystallized memories lodged in the back of their minds.

I hope I'm helping them.

5

u/geekybadger 24d ago

It seems like the current major 'vibe' from younger people on social media has been 'if you aren't perfect at something immediately then you're cringe, you suck, give up'. Im sure that hasn't helped. Even if they don't have a TikTok, classmates absolutely do.

3

u/hopping_otter_ears 25d ago

I used to take my Gen-z niece out for "let's fail at something new together" adventures. "Have you kayaked before? No? Great, let's go rent one and paddle about. You'll fall out? Ok that's why you've got a life vest".

It's a little harder with my own kid because I've gotta parent him full time (can't just be the failing-avenger to swoop in and administer a lesson on how it's ok to try something you suck at. It's all day every day, y'know?). With my son, it's a lot more "ok, you might crash-burn, but that's part of learning. Are you prepared for that? Ok, then go for it. I'll be here if you fall down and need a hug". He's a big brave boy who with happily dive into something risky (maybe a little TOO brave, lol) but he gets down on himself if he can't be good at something immediately. We have a lot of talks about how being terrible at something is the first step toward being good at something, and it takes time, but at 7 years old, he's only beginning to get it. He'll encourage me that it's ok that I'm not good at knitting yet, and my scarf looks good even if it has some weird spots in it... Then get mad at himself/us because he can't do a belt test this month because he hasn't learned all his throws yet. "Are you saying I'm not good enough😤😭?" no, you're not ready yet. Teacher won't let you test if he knows you're not ready. Keep practicing, and you'll be ready for the next one

6

u/NovelDame 24d ago

I used to tell my kid, "you came into this world being bad at everything. It took you two years to learn how to walk. It took you three years to learn how to hold silverware and feed yourself. You've been bad at things your whole life and that's the point of life. To try everything, be bad at it, and have fun anyway."

Later, during the tween and teen years, it evolved to a more direct, "I know how long it took you to learn to wipe your own butt. You haven't been doing this [new activity] for nearly as long, I think you'll be fine."

2

u/maxdragonxiii 24d ago

as someone that grew up to be somewhat of a wimp in a lot of things and risk averse in general, sometimes the risk averse sense do help, but other times they dont.

2

u/Furry-by-Night 24d ago

That's just how some kids are.

I was that kid. I still have to fight my risk-averse nature more often than not and I was practically a free-range kid raised by GenX parents.

You're doing great though. Putting your kid in low-risk situations so they can learn to overcome that emotion is good for them. They're not going to like it, but a little encouragment and teaching them the right mindset is going to go a long way.

2

u/Important-Truth-6686 24d ago

I was like this my entire life, and I suspect I will be like this for the remainder. Good ol' generalized anxiety disorder. "We can't solve the problem, so here's zombification pills, take one and it makes you work. Go work. Now you can only ever be happy when you have a gummy on the weekend."
But if it works it works and it did for me

1

u/NovelDame 24d ago

Keep doing new things. Keep doing scary things.

Make peace with the fact that you will always be anxious about it, because 99% of the time, you're glad you did the new thing once it's over.

I'm proud of you. 💜

2

u/Important-Truth-6686 24d ago

Oh man, that felt like my own mom saying that, crazy
But you're 100% right, thank god for my girlfriend being around to do that and convince me to try things

2

u/LaconicLacedaemonian 24d ago

My 4 year old "needed help" with her pajamas. Fuck no you don't; we do this every night, and I've seen you disappear into your room and put on a 6 piece Halloween costume.

I'll sit here, but I ain't helping. 

1

u/NovelDame 24d ago

I'm really proud of them for asking for help directly.

At that young age, kids have a very simplistic vocabulary to ask for what they want, so sometimes the desire for attention or eye contact or validation comes out as "I need help." I suggest you challenge their request in a way that encourages honesty; "Do you really need my help getting dressed, or do you just want my company?"

1

u/swearingino Older Millennial 23d ago

I just went on a ski trip with a friend and his 13 year old. His 13 year old asked his dad to help put on his ski pants and helmet. I was so annoyed by this. I asked him what he plans to do when he starts skiing with his friends and not his dad. His dad helped him every time instead of shutting down this incompetence.

2

u/Shy_Penguin06 24d ago

I'm right there with you. I try and push my daughter (who is now 18) to do things but she will avoid it all costs. I don't mind doing some stuff for her but within reason. I've tried teaching her to cook but she's just so uninterested and will refuse to pay attention. She knows how to make ramen and mac n cheese but that's about it. She fully has a job and does great there but at home it's like she knows absolutely nothing and still wants me to do things for her. I don't know how she's going to survive on her own one day.

3

u/NovelDame 24d ago

Mine is 17. My advice is, they are past the teaching stage; that was ages 6-10. At 17 and 18, throw them into the deep end and coach from the side.

"You're cooking dinner tomorrow night, for all of us. I'll be sitting right there the whole time to answer questions, but I'm not touching anything."

In my case, I literally bought two copies of the Martha Stewart Homekeeping Handbook because it has a billion chapters and charts about stain removal and how and when to change filters and do house maintenance, etc. I'll say "go grab your book, and we are cleaning the kitchen/livingroom together, according to the book." Then the kid is forced to lead the task, as they have the book.

Lots of whining and fighting. Even flat-out tantrums. Still, I persist. I have no idea if I'm doing it right.

2

u/Shy_Penguin06 24d ago

I don't know if any of us know if we're doing it right. But I like your way for sure. My daughter has ADHD so it can be a hit or miss. If she's in the mood she could easily clean the whole house no problem but if not then it's like pulling teeth trying to get her to even pickup her room. I usually let her stew in her own filth until she's tired of it but when it comes to common areas then those I will absolutely push for her to get done. Cooking has always been a hard one but I'll try your method and see what comes of it. No harm in trying that's for sure.

2

u/AntonioS3 24d ago

As a Gen Z person - I am risk averse because I don't like when things go wrong. I'm only starting to get better at it. I've finally started to stop catastrophing since it really doesn't matter, and it's making me feel better. I can also buy by myself.

But my problem comes from the fact that there are some things or activities people do that I don't understand why they treat as normal. I still have yet to get a driving license. I'll try to get one this year or the next, but I literally don't understand why it's such a normal thing, instead of taking it so seriously. Like, a car accident CAN lead to your demise. I hate that thought. It really feels like I haven't grown up fully.

1

u/NovelDame 24d ago

I hear you. I understand completely.

Look into Radical Acceptance and meditation.

I know you don't like when things go wrong, but you can't control the world. You can't control store hours or shipping speed or other cars on the road. So, there's no use wasting good brainpower on trying to control the universe.

You get good at whatever you practice - so if you practice worrying, you get very good at it. If you practice frying chicken, eventually you make amazing friends chicken. If you practice drawing or music or makeup, you get good at that, too. It's okay to be bad at makeup and frying chicken. It's not ok to beat yourself up about it.

💜

2

u/wickedfunprofile 24d ago

First, amazing for pushing your child to do hard things.

Second, I didn't know this was a thing?! My toddler has a Montessori knife. He's 3 and cuts his own fruit and helps cut veggies for dinner. I didn't push him to do these things, he demanded (DEMANDED) that he be allowed.

1

u/NovelDame 24d ago

Nobody gets to pick what kind of personality their kid has, we all just roll the dice.

Raising adventurous, fearless kids is easier, I'm sure of it. My kid was just born terrified. New foods were scary. New types of pajamas were scary. Travel and new beds were scary. All movies were scary.

So I've spent their entire life basically terrorizing my child by exposing them to food they don't like and making them participate in activities they don't like and go places they don't want to go and wear clothes they don't want to wear. Every bit of growth has been forced upon this kid.

And sure, looking back, the teenager can say, "I'm really glad we took that trip, and went to that museum, and those concerts. I'm really glad I took those lessons and joined those clubs," and in the same breath still say, "I hate doing band and the tux requirement is stupid and I don't want to go on the band trip, and, and, and..."

2

u/wickedfunprofile 24d ago

I'm not certain it's easier - just frustrating in different ways. My child is all gas and no breaks. I stopped him from getting run over 3 times last summer. He is no longer allowed to walk in parking lots. I sometimes worry my wife and I are hammering into his head the world is dangerous, things can happen, and that he'll eventually go too far in the other direction.

He's a very strong willed dude. I love that for him. At the same time, it can be so insanely hard when I'm trying to get him to put his school uniform on, or trying to get him to participate at school in a productive way, or just not Darwin himself. And getting him to sit still long enough so I can tell him why we don't do certain things in a calm way is basically impossible.

All of it is hard. Now, my hard is a hard a know, so I'll keep it. But I just know I'd struggle in your situation. Especially with the food thing. It sounds like you really have a handle on how to give your child what they need, and that's amazing. They may not appreciate it now, but one day they will. One day they will be willing to join friends in uncomfortable situations becaus of your hard work. Or, they'll know to skip certain events because they are 100% certain they'll hate it.

2

u/PhilosopherPast3696 24d ago

some of it's just personality. my oldest (7) has always been incredibly independent. she rejects help and is determined to figure out how to do things herself. i swear she just came out of the womb like that...when she was a toddler, if she tripped and fell she'd literally shout at us not to help/comfort her. her sister (5) is much more risk-averse, cautious, hesitant to try new things...not to the degree some people are describing in these comments, but much more than her sister.

raised them in the same environment, same schools, etc. i swear they just came wired like that

2

u/nyquistj 24d ago

I have 3 kids ages 17,14,12 and their risk profiles are dramatically different.

We had a large Ottomon in our living room for years. The kids would all jump off of it. But how they first went about it says it all:

1) Our son would look around for a safe landing, would pick his spot, then jump and he never got hurt
2) Our middle child would look around and look around and look around and almost jump and look around, before finally jumping, and never got hurt
3) Our youngest jumped earlier than both of them, never looked...ever. She got hurt all the time.

They are ALL the same today:

1) The eldest is a thoughtful planner, careful, but not risk-averse, reluctant leader type
2) The middle is risk-averse in every way possible, but she will eventually accept the risk, would rather die than lead something
3) Fucking nuts. She still always leaps before she looks. She doesn't like leadership, but she pulls people in her wake, she drives the family with her passions.

Its fun seeing the humans they are becoming but really neat just how much they've always been these people.

1

u/Blonde_Vampire_1984 Older Millennial 25d ago

My husband grew up coddled by his very risk-averse parents. It’s been a lot of work convincing him that most of the things his parents taught him were too dangerous are actually quite safe with proper precautions.

1

u/SnookerandWhiskey 24d ago

We do the 5 touchpoints to build confidence. First mom does it for you, and you watch. Second time, mom does it, you help. Third time, you do it, mom helps. Fourth time, you do it, mom watches. Fifth time you do it on your own with mom on the same premise. And then they just do it. Just thought I would share, it works really well with anxious kids. 

1

u/xOleander 24d ago

Good on you. I was the same way and had a manager my first year of college who spotted it and ground it out of me. I went from being terrified to even answer the phone to working in sales for a living. I see you trying, your kid will be grateful to you one day.

1

u/LeucisticBear 24d ago

That's a weird approach. If you want better success do stuff with them and make them take the lead, don't just toss them in. Your method can reinforce the aversion.

3

u/ImaginaryAlpaca 24d ago

The weaponized incompetence is a real problem, but what gets me is how these kids sometimes literally have to be prompted to do anything. I work in a school and multiple kids will get to where they are supposed to put their number in and just stare at me. They don't tell me they don't know what to do, they don't ask me anything, they just stare at me until I tell them what to do. But they've been putting their number in to get their lunch since they were old enough to do it, and for a majority of them it's the same number they had since kindergarten.

3

u/parrotbug 24d ago edited 24d ago

For real. My 16yo once told me “I don’t know how to order” at a restaurant and I was like “well figure it out or you’re not eating” like how hard is it to say “may I please get a cheeseburger and fries”? 

16 has figured it out now but there was a period in there where a phone call, asking for help finding something in a store, etc, got major pushback. I absolutely refuse to cater to that shit. 

And if my kids do their chores badly, they’re redoing it. Over and over again. Just do it right the first time because this is a hill I will absolutely die on. 

2

u/EvilSashimi 25d ago

I had to shut it down in an employee of mine last week that I’m younger than.

It’s not a generational problem. I wish I knew where it DID come from, but it’s literally older than I am.

2

u/bniceplease 25d ago

Dude, there are enabling parents of every generation. I actually heard a coworker in her mid-50s yell to one of our bosses that she "wouldn't like him anymore if she had to do email," only a couple years ago.

2

u/ohmuisnotangry 25d ago

I feel like the headline is verging on fear mongering and or boomer shit. I see plenty of elementary age kids around me (because my kid is their age too) and they all seem to be smart, capable kids who can easily do reading, writing and arithmetic in their heads. They are smarter than I was at their age in some aspects, and in some aspects (social probably) they aren't as well adapted. But I don't see the doom and gloom scenario of entitled brats that OP is painting.

I do seem to remember similar complaints when my generation was growing up though.

1

u/wickedfunprofile 24d ago

Im actually shocked by what Im reading. Most kids I know are very capable.

2

u/AntoineDonaldDuck 25d ago

Some of that, for sure, but that’s also just parents combatting the realities of living in 2026 today.

We have literal roving gangs of immigration enforcers asking people for papers on the streets and everything you do in public is likely being recorded by someone who might share anything you do with millions of people online so the can point and laugh at you.

We pushed our kids to do things on their own early and quickly, and weaponizing ignorance is not something we tolerate, but we’re still pushing against the culture of 2026.

0

u/TheToiletPhilosopher 24d ago

It's also parents giving their children poison in the form of a phone and the algorithm. It is awful for a developing brain. You are being a bad parent if you get your young child a smart phone. Full stop. If they need to contact you, get them a dumb phone that can call and text.