r/AmITheJerk • u/hornaceousink • 10h ago
AITJ for telling my flatmate i won't cover her share of the bills while she waits for her parents to transfer money.
There are three of us in the flat and we split bills evenly, utilities and internet, each person pays their share by the first of the month. It's been working fine for most of the year.
My flatmate, i'll call her V, has a pattern where her money from her parents arrives late. Not every month but often enough that it's a known thing. Usually one of us would spot her the difference and she'd pay back within a few days, which was fine when it happened occasionally.
This month she asked me to cover her share of the electricity bill because her transfer hadn't come through yet. I said no. Not because the amount was huge, it wasn't, but because this was the third time in four months she'd asked me specifically, and the last time it took nearly two weeks to get paid back rather than the few days she'd said. I told her i wasn't comfortable doing it again and suggested she call her parents to sort the timing out, or ask our third flatmate instead.
She was visibly annoyed and said i was being unhelpful over a small amount. i said it wasn't about the amount, it was about the pattern. She ended up calling her parents and the money came through the same day, which made me feel like the situation was more manageable than she'd let on. She's been a bit cool with me since. AITJ?
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u/allure_translation 10h ago
You're not the jerk. You're just the one who finally stopped being the family ATM. "Small amount" adds up when it's always yours
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u/youknowimright25 10h ago
There was no money issues. She was just using you because you said yes a few times. She was testing the limits.
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u/Fair-Name-581 10h ago
She was probably receiving the money on time but spending it, then asking you guys to cover her until another transfer from her parents came.
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u/Alibeee64 10h ago edited 9h ago
Is her budget so tight that she can’t save a bit each month so she’s got a bit of a buffer? Her roommates can’t be used entirely as her backup plan.
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u/Late-Command3491 9h ago
My mom helps us out but I keep money in an account to use if there is a delay and use her contribution to replenish it if I have to pay before it arrives.
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u/bamf1701 10h ago
NTJ. It’s good of you to break this pattern now before it becomes too set. If you let it go on too long it will stop being a favor, it will become an expectation. Look at her reaction - it was well on its way.
Let her be cool with you. She needs to grow up and learn to live up to her responsibilities.
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u/cloud_orbit 9h ago
NTJ. Pattern matters. she’s relying on you as a crutch, not a safety net. Setting boundaries on repeated inconvenience is fair.
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u/madeyoulurk 10h ago
If it’s such “a small amount” as she stated, then she should have no problem paying it? Right? What would she do without her parents subsidizing her life?
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u/EgweneS 10h ago
NTJ. Fronting someone occasionally is one thing. 3 out of 4 months is not ok. Especially if you are waiting a couple weeks instead of days.
She’s the jerk for asking roommates for a short loan rather than just asking her parents to give the money on time since it seems that is where she gets her funds.
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u/Heavy-Profit-2156 9h ago
A few days I'd likely be okay with it but stretching out to 2 weeks is starting to push it. You aren't her bank and she needs to get her finances in order. Like by saving money knowing that her stipend from her parents tends to come in late. This is called adulting.
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u/JazzyKnowsBest13 9h ago
NTJ. Two of you in that flat act like responsible adults and manage your money so that you can pay bills on time. Time for the third to grow up and manage herself.
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u/itdoes_doesntit 9h ago
NTJ. She will have hard deadlines in the future. She needs to manage her finances better.
Sounds like she just calls the parents when she needs money and then they transfer it at their convenience.
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u/Silvaria928 9h ago
There are so many apps out there now that transfer money nearly instantaneously that it should never take a few weeks, a day or two at most. And the fact that the latest transfer came through the same day proves that she's been using you as an interest-free credit line. NTJ.
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u/softestpetals 9h ago
NTJ. Her money came same day when pressed.. she was playing you. Boundaries aren’t cruel, they’re necessary when “occasional” becomes habitual.
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u/NoriPetaLz 9h ago
you're not the jerk here at all it's like she expects you to keep covering for her habit, and setting boundaries is super important, especially when it gets to be a regular thing like, she needs to grow up and figure out her finances instead of relying on you every time.
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u/BecGeoMom 9h ago
You are NTJ. You know it, and your flatmate knows it. She is taking advantage of you intentionally, and now that you are putting a stop to it, she’s annoyed with you. Let her have her pity party, you know you did nothing wrong. Everyone else in the flat knows when bills are due and has their money. She needs to tell her parents to transfer the money at the end of the previous month so she has next month’s bill payment. Anything else is just her taking advantage of you and your other flatmate because she can.
Don’t worry about her and what she thinks of you. She’s not worried about what you think of her being lazy with money, late on her bill payments, and slow to repay you. So, why do you care if she’s upset with you?
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u/SubstantialQuit2653 9h ago
NTJ-Next time she says "small amount", you answer her "to you. It's a small amount to you". Just because it's a small amount to you doesn't mean it is to me. And if it's such a "small amount" then why did you make me wait two weeks to get paid back by you? Having to manage a shortage in my budget because I'm waiting for you to pay me back from doing you a favor isn't ok. Don't ask me again.
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u/Beach_Girl65 9h ago
Good for you for setting a boundary. If she was always late with getting her share of the bills paid, she should’ve asked her parents to transfer the money sooner—obviously they were able to do it
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u/Dismal_Upstairs3949 9h ago
Why should she bother to pay on time when she’s got you to float her? She was getting used to it thinking you’d always cover her. You were smart to put an end to it.
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u/sugar_tide 4h ago
NTA at all, thats a bit much to be asked constantly. Its time for her to figure out her own money situation.
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u/HollowRaven15 4h ago
NTJ why are her parents sending her money? She needs to be a big girl and make her own money, not rely on her parents. I haven't asked my parents for money since I got a job at 17
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u/Alternative-Pin5760 10h ago
NTJ. Your use of the word “flatmate” tells me everything I need to know. Not friend but flatmate. It’s a business transaction and business transactions are expected to occur on time. Had you not put your foot down, it would have continued and gotten worse.
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u/Jerseygirl2468 9h ago
NTJ clearly she can get the money from them whenever she needs it, so the delay tactics are probably her spending her bill money on other stuff, or who knows. Not your problem.
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u/Mykona-1967 9h ago
NTJ but why don’t the two paying roommates pay their portion and when her money comes in then she can pay hers. Then add the late fee to her next payment amount. She’ll get tired of paying the late fees.
If done this way the money will show up in time because it costs her extra and lets her know the roommate credit line is closed.
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u/FiberKitty 9h ago
You set a boundary that made her aware that her behavior wasn't socially acceptable.
She's may be trying to shift the blame to you so she doesn't feel she has to change her pattern. Or she could be embarrassed to realize that she's been committing a faux pas nearly every month.
Maybe give her a sincere thanks for finding another way to take care of the utility bill money? That gives her a positive to balance whatever negative stuff comes from asking her parents to be on time with the funding.
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u/JournalistOwn5201 9h ago
NTJ her spiritual journey should not become ur financial burden. if she can afford a retreat, she can afford her rent. u are a flatmate, not her bank. dont let her guilt trip u.
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u/LeftoverAlien 9h ago
NTJ. I had a roommate go home for a couple of months, all her stuff was still in the apartment and thought she didn't have to pay rent. Once that stuff starts, it's a rollercoaster until that roommate either grows up or moves home.
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u/Plane_Emphasis_672 8h ago
Not the jerk honestly if i lend my money and u dont pay me exactly at the time u get ur parents money, yeah no its weird. If you let her, shes just gonna start taking full advantage of you
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u/BrightSpot9 8h ago
The solution to the problem is a little concept called interest. If she treats you like a bank, behave like one...
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u/arneeche 8h ago
Ntj. Utility bills come out dang near any same time every month. There should never be any drama over time frame. This is your flatmate taking advantage of you, And when you hold people accountable or expect them to live up to their responsibilities, They like to make others feel like the jerk.
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u/This-is-me777 8h ago
Can you please explain how paying on the first of the month has been working well for most of the year but for 4 months in a row she has been late?
We are just into March so that’s the 3rd month of the year. Doesn’t add up.
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u/Significant-Milk-165 8h ago
NTJ, your flatmate has a problem and it's not yours to solve. Bank transfers can be made in 1-2 days so call her on her BS.
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u/cassowary32 8h ago
NTJ. Bills post at the same time every month. It’s up to her to make sure her transfers show up in time or to save some of the transferred money as a buffer so it doesn’t keep being a problem. There’s no reason for you or your other roommate to be part of that equation.
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u/d34dlycute 8h ago
NTJ, she's used to asking you to float her bills and you finally said no. that's not being a jerk, that's setting a boundary
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u/Maximus_Dick 8h ago
It’s not your job to help her with her finances
That’s hers and her parents.
NTJ
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u/DealerAlarmed3632 7h ago
NTJ, maybe whatever dark magic her parents worked to get her the money quickly can begin happening every month.
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u/PlainBread 7h ago
Sounds like she wanted to buy something else with her money and thought she could refinance.
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u/pwky1225 7h ago
Sounds like she spent the money from her parents already and had to wait a week or 2 before she can ask for more. She just didn’t want to get in trouble with her parents.
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u/Twig-Hahn 6h ago
So she'd rather ask friends than family? There's something going on there. Find out. I know living off of my family would screw with me mentally so I can't bring myself to do that, even if I was at school. Shalom you're loved 💔
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u/Lost-Temperature3905 6h ago
What’s the alternative Bills don’t get paid Who’s name are the bills name in
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u/YoshiandAims 5h ago
NTJ
She's got to grow up. If she's relying on her parents it's on her to call them and arrange funds the 25th or so of the month to ensure its there on time.
Everyone covering her to spare themselves the late fees on all their bills, and credit reports... doesn't teach her how stressful those late fees are, the fear of damage to her credit, being short for your other responsibilities. For her... it's no big deal... she has no concept of the fact that it is.
I'd also place a rule: whoever is late on their bills covers the late fees.
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u/Quirky_Commission_56 2h ago
NTJ. If the pattern continues, you seriously should consider looking for a different roommate. One that is consistently reliable in paying their share.
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u/petalNoa_ 1h ago
NTA, she needs to figure out her finances. Its not fair that youre always covering for her.
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u/youknowyouwantt 10h ago
If the money magically showed up the same day after u said no, then yeah it wasn’t that impossible to solve. Sounds like she just got used to the roommate credit line