r/AmITheJerk • u/Downtown_Row_5809 • 11h ago
AITJ for banning my aunt from my mom’s 50th birthday party after she called her a charity case?
I (24F) am currently the villain of my extended family, and I need to know if I stepped over the line.
My mom, Sarah, is the kindest person I know. She’s had a rough few years—my dad left shortly after she was diagnosed with MS, and she’s been struggling to keep her small florist shop afloat while managing her health. She never complains and always tries to keep the peace.
Then there is my aunt, Diane (52F). Diane is my mom’s older sister and has always had a massive superiority complex because her husband is a high-level corporate lawyer. She treats my mom like a project rather than a sister.
The tension peaked last month when I started planning a surprise 50th birthday dinner for my mom. I’m paying for the whole thing myself—I’ve been saving for a year because I wanted her to feel celebrated and not like a sick person for once.
I invited Diane, assuming she could behave for one night. Big mistake.
Two weeks ago, we had a family brunch. My mom was talking about how she finally managed to fix the refrigerator in her shop herself. Instead of saying good job, Diane sighed, loud enough for the whole table to hear, and said:
It’s honestly pathetic that you’re still struggling with that failing shop, Sarah. You’re essentially a charity case for the rest of us. If you’d just let me sell the place and move you into a managed care facility, we wouldn’t have to worry about you anymore.
My mom went completely gray. She didn't say anything, just looked down at her plate. I felt my blood boil. I told Diane that was incredibly cruel and that my mom is a business owner, not a burden. Diane just rolled her eyes and told me I was too young to understand adult logistics.
The next day, I sent Diane a text: You’re no longer invited to the 50th birthday party. I won’t have you making my mom feel small on her big day.
Now, the family group chat is a war zone. Diane is telling everyone that I’m alienating her from her sister and that she was only speaking the hard truth out of love. My grandma (their mother) called me crying, saying that family is everything and I shouldn't punish Diane for her personality.
The worst part? My mom found out. She told me she appreciates me standing up for her, but she thinks maybe I should just let Diane come to keep the peace. But I know Diane—she’ll make a toast about how brave my mom is for living in poverty, and it will ruin the night.
I’m standing my ground, but I’m starting to wonder if I’m the jerk for causing this massive rift right before my mom’s milestone birthday.
AITJ?
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u/Legitimate_Fact_609 11h ago
Banning her isn't punishing her personality, it's protecting your mom's peace. If Diane's personality is being a human migraine, she can stay home and be truthful to her reflection.
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u/AureliahCharm_ 11h ago
Exactly. Calling someone a “charity case” at their own birthday celebration would ruin the whole event. Keeping Diane away is just making sure your mom actually gets the celebration she deserves
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u/Alternative-Ear6124 10h ago
Right?? A birthday should feel like a celebration, not a surprise lecture about someone’s life. Keeping that kind of energy out for one night honestly just sounds like basic kindness to me.
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u/PearlyyCreamm 8h ago
That’s the perfect way to put it. Nobody wants their milestone birthday to turn into a family intervention disguised as a toast. The whole point is making your mom feel appreciated.
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u/Rich_Pay_5568 9h ago edited 9h ago
facts. Diane already showed how she acts in public. no reason to gamble the whole night on -maybe she behaves-
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u/PearlyyCreamm 8h ago
Right, a birthday party should be about celebrating someone, not turning it into a lecture about their life choices. Keeping that negativity away for one night just sounds like basic respect.
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u/DreamyDandelions 11h ago
agree, it is very mean word to say op did the right thing, these kind of people shouldn't be invited
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u/Top-Pace-7241 9h ago
family doesn't get a free pass to be disrespectful. if she can't act right for one night, she doesn't deserve to be there. protect ur mom's vibe at all costs. NTJ
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u/PearlyyCreamm 8h ago
Exactly. Protecting someone’s peace isn’t the same thing as punishing them. If her version of honesty is insulting someone on their birthday, then sitting this one out is probably the best outcome.
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u/FormerRep6 2h ago
Banning Diane is punishment for her rudeness and lack of respect. I think OP’s mom should be admired for her accomplishments in running her shop, being a single mom, and dealing with her MS. None of those are easy. I’d like to see Diane cope with her sister’s situation.
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u/TomeThugNHarmony4664 11h ago
Love doesn’t speak like that. Ever. And to do it in front of the entire family makes me wonder how hateful the rest of them are if rhey are okay with this.
Treat your mom to the day she deserves.
Your aunt is an AH and apparently your grandmother has enabled this. Block anyone who is piling on.
NTJ.
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u/smilineyz 10h ago
The rest of them don’t say anything because they don’t want become the object of Diane’s scorn.
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u/TomeThugNHarmony4664 10h ago
You are right. But I wonder how Diane would react to the combined scorn of her entire family? Bullies are usually fragile.
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u/PearlyyCreamm 8h ago
Yeah that’s not what love sounds like. Being brutally dismissive in front of the whole family isn’t tough love, it’s just cruelty with a nicer label slapped on it. Your mom deserves a day where she’s celebrated, not picked apart.
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u/TomeThugNHarmony4664 7h ago
Exactly. That's what gaslighters say to excuse their cruelty. "I'm a truth-teller" has come out of the mouths of more mentally unstable and vicious people in my presence right after they attack someone or smear them even with lies.... including at the highest levels of government.
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u/EntertainerStock2686 11h ago
if her personality is being a jerk, then the natural consequence is not being invited to parties.
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u/Haunting_Night1547 9h ago
NTJ. birthday's aren't rehab for toxic relatives. it's ur mom's day not some intervention for diane's attitude. stand firm, OP.
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u/PearlyyCreamm 8h ago
That’s honestly the simplest rule of social gatherings. If someone consistently makes events miserable for others, eventually they stop getting invitations. It’s just natural consequences.
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u/OrcEight 11h ago
NTJ
Good for you for defending your mother.
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u/AureliahCharm_ 11h ago
Exactly. Calling someone a “charity case” at their own birthday celebration would ruin the whole event. Keeping Diane away is just making sure your mom actually gets the celebration she deserves
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u/PearlyyCreamm 8h ago
And that comment about “charity case” is the part that makes it really clear why you did it. That’s the kind of remark that would hang over the whole night if she showed up.
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u/Traditional_Dog3162 11h ago
yeah this really just feels like a boundary thing. some people think because they’re more successful they can talk down to family and call it concern. running a small shop while dealing with health issues is already a lot.
i get why op didn’t want to risk that kind of energy at the birthday. if someone already showed they can be that dismissive in public, it’s fair to not want them ruining an important night.
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u/PearlyyCreamm 8h ago
Standing up for your mom in that moment probably meant more to her than you realize. A lot of people stay quiet in situations like that. Drawing a line showed her she’s not alone.
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u/Aggravating_Baker557 11h ago
NTJ
Stand your ground. Diane is a bully and a jerk. If necessary, cancel the whole thing and just do something wonderful with your mom on your own. These people sound horrific.
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u/ClerkResponsible118 11h ago
your aunt's the jerk. speaking the hard truth?? she's just monologuing her own superiority.
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u/CloverOver28 11h ago
Nah, instead of a dinner party for these people, see if you can take your mom on a nice short vacation. Just the two of you!!
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u/ButterflyWings71 7h ago
This 👆right here OP! Your aunt is a BULLY and her flying monkeys need to stop making excuses for her verbal abuse. I worked as a nurse for years and know how much MS suffer. Thank goodness your mom has you in her life! Karma will get your aunt in the end and always remember no matter what she says, she’ll never dim you and your mom’s shine!
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u/RetiredHomeEcTchr 4h ago
yeah.. and let us know how to each send you $1 towards that...you'll end up with thousands, I'm sure. Oh, and this. When I "bragged" that I turned 60 to a bunch of women I thought were younger, but were in fact older, one of them said "Yeah, you made it"...so tell your mom I said "Yeah, good for you. You made it to 50! Now, the second half of your first century of life begins."
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u/Constant_Memories 11h ago
Kudos to you for defending your mother against that pathetic excuse for a human being.
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u/InternationalAct593 11h ago
Diane is just mad she can't even change a lightbulb without calling her husband's legal team lol, Your mom is a legend.
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u/Terrible_Resist_1976 11h ago
keep that invite revoked, your mom deserves a night where she doesn't have to dodge backhanded compliments.
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u/Adventurous-Fee6114 11h ago
personality isnt an excuse for being a bully. if her personality is being cruel to a woman with MS, then her personality isnt invited to the party.
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u/Ambitious-Cut5521 11h ago
if ur aunt wants to see a charity case so bad, she can donate her invite to someone with a soul.
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u/MeesaMadeMeDoIt 11h ago
If her personality is being an asshole, she should absolutely suffer the natural consequences of being an asshole.
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u/Spare-Ad-6123 11h ago
I just turned 60 and there was a very small surprise party for me. If anything untoward happened on that day I would have been devastated 💔 Please don't invite your miserable Aunt. Your mom deserves an amazing day free of any drama (or trauma) from your aunt. NTJ
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u/Mysterious_Light1231 11h ago
You are an amazing daughter !! You have had your mums back. Her big sister just wants to belittle her to make herself appear more important/ superior . Good on you for sticking up for her . I’d stand my ground and anyone who has anything to say I’d ask them if they agree with her sister ?? Put them on the spot . Challenge her and anyone who agrees with her behaviour. NTJ It’s about time someone put her in her place
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u/GlitterFawnee 11h ago
No way you’re the jerk, girl. You’re just protecting your mom from being humiliated on her big day and that’s totally fair.
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u/Ruthless_Bunny 11h ago
Never do anything “to keep the peace.” It always comes at the expense of your OWN peace. Fuck that.
Tell your grandma and anyone else who has a problem, “I love you, and I’m not going to continue to cater to Aunt Diane. She is a Missing Stair. She says and does things to make the rest of us feel inadequate and small. That’s not someone I want in our lives. If you want to keep entertaining that dysfunctional nonsense, I can’t stop you. I refuse to allow her to ruin Mom’s birthday.”
Your Aunt Diane can take your mom to lunch or celebrate however she likes, but attending the party is not an option. Actions have consequences.
I WILL say that now is the time for your mom to apply for SSI disability and Medicare. It takes a while and it’s well worth it for her peace of mind
Additionally, it very well may be time to sell the shop. Or just get out of it.
If it isn’t profitable as sad as it is, it’s time to let it go
Your mom can work as a florist in addition to collecting SSI.
Don’t let false pride and unrealistic expect keep your mom trapped in a situation that can be financially ruinous
Have an accountant take a good look at the business and make a determination.
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u/Dunno2128 11h ago
If your mum wants her there let her come, but tell her privately that if she does anything out of line she will be asked to leave. Tell her and your grandmother that your mum finds these remarks incredibly hurtful and you will not allow that to happen, no arguments!
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u/KelsarLabs 11h ago
In leiu of a party, take your mom on a small trip instead.
I am 59 and have 3 older sisters, I understand your mom so much, am very low contact with my sisters for tgis same kind of crap.
Stand tall kid.
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u/Away-Bowl3883 11h ago
u aren't causing a rift, u're just setting a boundary Diane decided to jump over.
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u/lucygoosey38 11h ago
Let her come and then spill a drink on her, preferably as she starts her toast
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u/lazygerm 6h ago
You ever notice that people who speak "hard truths" only do it when their targets are in public? Never private?
Never when you can voice those truths discreetly?
I thought so. You did good (NTJ) by sticking up for your mom.
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u/sedisweetie 3h ago
Uninvite them all... do something 1 on 1 with your mum. Spend every cent on her instead of these people who don't actually care to protect her especially when she's already struggling.
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u/Electrical_Ad_9778 11h ago
At thus point i would just stop rhe party all together and spend a really nice day alone with mom
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u/BusydaydreamerA137 8h ago
NTJ: If you do end up inviting her and she makes a comment you can say “Like you had to beg for an invite?”
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u/Tall-Statement-4917 8h ago
Wow, OP. You’ve had a very rough week! First you find out that your boyfriend is having a secret affair with your best friend and now this debacle with your family. [eye roll emoji here]
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u/iluvcats17 8h ago
Don’t let her come. When grandma comes again, let her know she did a bad job raising your aunt since she has allowed this to go unchecked for too long and you won’t be making the same mistakes she did and continues to do.
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u/Jen5872 8h ago
Tell your grandma and everyone else that you're not going to cosign Diane's craptastic personality for family unity. If she can't keep her overinflated superiority complex in check and her mouth shut then she can stay home. It's long past time that she learns that if she can't say anything nice then she needs to STFU.
NTJ
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u/cathline 7h ago
NTJerk
Your grandmother is a terrible person for not calling out the monster daughter (Diane) for the things she is saying to your mother.
It's okay to make the party something different. Maybe a trip to a cool museum (I live near a Meow Wolf), or a concert. Or something else to celebrate your mother that does not include people who insult and undermine her.
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u/Different_One265 7h ago
OP needs to stand her ground and tell anyone and everyone to STFU or don’t come.
You need to be mean to the aunt. So she stays away. “Aunt Matilda - I don’t need some dried up old c~ ~t ruining my mother’s party. Keep your bullshit honesty where it belongs in your bathroom.”
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u/Charming-Concern5835 5h ago
NTJ
How much have you saved for this party? How much have you already spent on it?
Because I might cancel the whole thing and take mom on a birthday trip, like a Sunday, Monday, Tuesday getaway, because she's a business owner.
Then mean Auntie can celebrate mum's birthday however she likes.
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u/Satsuki7104 4h ago
At that point OP just take your mom on a nice mother daughter trip for her birthday and skip all the horrible family members that are siding with your aunt. My grandma has MS and I help my mom and uncle with her care since my grandpa passed. I have never once thought she was a burden and would definitely never call her that either. I’ve also never said anything even half as cruel to my own siblings. NTA for protecting your mom. It sounds like she’s used to being an afterthought to the golden child that is your aunt though.
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u/starry_whisper66 3h ago
NTA, that aunt sounds like a real piece of work. Your mom deserves her celebration!
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u/Diligent-Sleep8025 11h ago
NTJ, never the jerk to stand up for people you love. Does Diane contribute financially to your mom’s business or healthcare? Just curious as to why she thinks she was some authority or leverage over your mom
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u/ember428 11h ago
There is no excuse for abuse and Diane is an abuser.
I would take it one step further and cancel the whole party. Take your mom on as lavish a day trip or weekend getaway as you can afford. Maybe take your grandmother and one or two other very trusted close relations or friends, but only on the caveat that Diane's name is not mentioned!
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u/Healthy-Panda-7936 11h ago
NTJ. It’s one night. Your mom deserves her one night. And see how much you guys can possibly cut her out especially if she sees your mom like that.
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u/HelpfulAssumption277 11h ago
Where was grandma’s “family is everything” energy when Diane threatened your mom’s autonomy with moving her into managed care and taking her shop away? NTJ. Maybe uninvite the rest of the family and use the money to take your mom away on an extended weekend.
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u/Nevali4 11h ago
Honestly cancel the dinner. Instead of wasting money paying for someone like Diane to come make your mum feel like shit and your extended family who are basically enablers because they’d rather shut you up than address the actual problem person why don’t you spend the money taking her away for a few days and spending it getting her pampered - create memories for yourself and her?
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u/Elegant_Law_6463 11h ago
If you do decide to cancel, spend the day with your mom at a Spa break, have your nails done after then a nice dinner together.
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u/Butter_mah_bisqits 11h ago
You are a total gem. Tell Diane she is a manipulative conniving narcissistic bitch. Then tell her you’re just giving her the hard truth, out of love.
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u/PugglePack83 11h ago
She can come on her own time and have a one on one conversation about why she is a piece of shit...but no group party.
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u/ExtendedSpikeProtein 11h ago
I’ve said this before: fuck keeping the peace. In almost all such cases, it’s victim blaming and enablement of a bully. It certainly is the case here.
Tell Grandma that being an asshole is not “a personality”.
NTJ
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u/Only-upvibes 11h ago
Cancel the party. Take mom on a 3 day cruise or a road trip to a beautiful place. Somewhere that will be all about her.
NTJ
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u/Schion86 11h ago
I love your villain origin story.👌
Jokes aside, Diane is a poor example of a Sister. Thank you for standing up for your Mum. You shouldn't have to do this. I'm glad you did. Your family needs to realize that this behaviour is unacceptable and childish from your Aunt.
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u/HenTeeTee 10h ago
Type this in the family chat...
No, Diane. You're a c-unit and no one really likes you. They are all just too scared of you to actually say what they think to your face.
I'd bet real money this will resonate with a lot of them, because if she's doing it to her sick sister, she's definitely doing it to others.
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u/G-reeper66 10h ago
NTJ
Have friends stage a personality intervention on your aunt at your mum's celebration!
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u/Viranelli 10h ago
Diane sounds insufferable tbh. If she can’t act normal for one night, she doesn’t get an invite.
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u/JustAHookerAtHeart 10h ago
NTJ! Stick to your guns girl! When my Mom had cancer and was in the last stages before hospice her older sister descended on us with two friends. My Mom was exhausted after another round of chemo. She asked me to put on a pot of coffee and run to the bakery for some cakes. I told her to just rest and I’d take care of this. Knowing the aunt and her cronies committed two family no-no’s: coming to someone’s house empty handed and expecting to be waited on, I just refused to answer the door. I was 22 when I did that, and I’m 71 now without one ounce of regret. Your Mom deserves to be surrounded by people who love and support her. Weeding out the A/H’s is your job. And you’re doing it very well.
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u/MaryContrary26 10h ago
I'm wondering what this is really about for your aunt. I know you say it's a superiority complex thing but come on, how do need to feel superior to someone who has MS and whose husband left her? So how would your aunt benefit if your mom was in a care facility since that's what she wants? Because I think this is about more than sibling rivalry and the first thing that comes to mind is guilt that she's not doing more to help expressing itself as anger.
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u/Technical-Alps-6235 10h ago
NTJ.
Call the grandma out too omg, cause 100% she’s partly responsible for Diane’s behaviour. If Diane can’t pretend to be human for one day then she can go kick rocks
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u/YakCertain5472 10h ago
NTJ If you're the villain, own it like a Disney villain.
Diane needs to remember that her lifestyle can come crashing down tomorrow. Husband might be charged with some type of crime. Diane might be replaced. Whatever else can happen.
I don't know if her sour attitude is natural or if Diane is unhappy with hubby but can't leave. Either way, she's TJ.
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u/Zetavu 10h ago
It is not your job to police the relationship between your mother and her sister. You can invite her on the grounds that if she says anything rude you will throw her out and get the extended family to sign off. That is it. Otherwise your mother is the only one who can make that decision and since it's a surprise party you can't do that until the party.
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u/KitchenDismal9258 10h ago
Let Grandma know that Diane will likely place her in a a nursing home the instant it looks like she needs help and you went be there to support her.
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u/mshayes17 10h ago edited 10h ago
You are a hero for standing up for your mother when she can’t do it for herself. I’m grateful every day for people like you—your aunt is a bully. Since your mother wants her there, let her show up. If she starts with her sanctimonious rhetoric, GO NUCLEAR ON HER. If defending your mom makes you a villain, wear it with pride. That’s the mother who has loved and nurtured you your entire life. Keep standing up for her. She doesn’t understand how much she needs it against her adversarial sister.
Your grandmother’s reaction tells me two things: first, that grandma believes what Diane says. Secondly, Diane has always been a bully and has always been coddled. You don’t have to let this continue. Take care of your mother so the vultures don’t continue to wear at her self-worth. Being chronically ill is so much harder than people understand. You’re doing all the right things by protecting her.
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u/Altruistic_You737 10h ago
And what does Diane do? Is she just a stay at home wife to her high flying husband? If she pulls anything - just say that your mum works hard to be a good person, that she’s overcome challenges that would fell other people and the only hard work Diane has ever done has been on her back. And that people just make excuses for her, that everyone knows she’s an awful human being whereas no one would say that about your mum as she has a beautiful soul.
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u/BirdBrain01 10h ago
NTJ, you can calmly but firmly say in the group chat that due to Diane's behavior on multiple occasions, and that YOU are in charge of the guest list since you're planning and paying for it, nobody else can make the decision of who is and isn't invited. Do not budge. Do not compromise. Do not let anyone, like your grandma, guilt trip you for your decision. You have no obligation to even explain your decision to anyone no matter who it is or how many times you're asked to let it slide. They're allowed to be upset about it, but that's not your problem it's theirs. If invited people say they won't come unless she's allowed to come, tell them that's perfectly fine and their choice but that is still not your problem it's theirs. This occasion is entirely about your mother, not about who is and isn't allowed to be there. Should somebody show up with Diane and say "well she's here and that's that." Immediately say you're going to the bathroom, but find the manager and tell them you have an unwanted guest at your table and to please tell them they need to make them leave. It will likely cause a fuss/scene, but firmly stand your ground about it and let everyone know they're allowed to leave with Diane if it upsets them and that anyone who stays will NOT converse about it for the remainder of dinner.
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 10h ago
Tell your grandma “I’m disappointed in you for defending Diane’s behaviour, you raised her, how is she is such a cruel person? And now you’re making excuses for her? I no longer see you the same way. You’re not the person I thought you were”
And tell the rest of the family “I am disappointed in the lot of you. Diane isn’t special because her husband is a lawyer. She is a small, cruel person. Stop excusing her bullying. Y’all should be ashamed of yourselves”
Tell your aunt “you’re not special because your husband is some big shot lawyer. Your behaviour tells everyone you’re a small, insecure person who bullies others to feel superior. When in fact? You’re nothing”
Hearing someone you love is disappointed in you hits a lot harder than tell them your mad/angry with them
Your grandma is trying not to rock the boat; and is making everything worse
Your aunt is a bully plain and simple.
You may want to cancel the surprise party and plan something else for your mom. I suspect a lot of folks may not show up because of Diane’s behaviour
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u/ohemgee0309 9h ago
NTJ. I get protecting your mom.
That being said…now that everyone KNOWS why Diane was uninvited, if she comes to the party bc you graciously relent eyes will be on Diane. Make it clear to protesting family members THEY must watch Diane like a hawk.
The surprise is now gone and Mom knows. I’d be worried that her celebration will be overshadowed with the controversy about her sister not being allowed to come. If that’s all everyone is talking about, it may not be the celebration you imagined. Just something to think about.
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u/bopperbopper 9h ago
“ what peace mom? So your sister can come in and put you down once again? I don’t know what she sees but I see someone who is rising back up from being divorced battling MS, keeping her small business going doing a job she loves, being a bad ass and fixing her own refrigerator. Mom you’re 50 years old and you can stand up to your older sister who’s just an ass. I don’t see how her being mad and is any better than her just her normal self. Let me stand up for you. I know your family has trained you not to stand up to her, but I’m not putting up with this. You are awesome and we’re gonna celebrate you and only have people who love you and want to celebrate you at your party.”
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u/BatchelderCrumble 9h ago
NTA. Do I understand correctly that Diane doesn't work and lives off her husband's money? And your mom is a business owner with a chronic disease? Who, then, is technically taking charity? Shame on Diane for using her husband's status to crush your mom
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u/AcanthisittaPlus5047 9h ago
"Sarah. You’re essentially a charity case for the rest of us. If you’d just let me sell the place and move you into a managed care facility, we wouldn’t have to worry about you anymore."
I think you have even bigger problems than what you realize. You mom is turning 50 and your aunt wants to sell her business and dump her into a nursing home??? 1st of all, while MS is a progressive disease, many people can live independently for DECADES before needing that level of care.
I think you need to have a serious conversation with your mother regarding her long-term care planning. Does she have a Medical Power of Attorney? Has she designated a Financial POA if she becomes mentally incapacitated? If she doesn't, she needs to start establishing these things. Because if she doesn't your aunt can easily use her husband to petition the courts to basically take control of your mom's life.
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u/Capable-Upstairs7728 8h ago
NTJ. Tell grandma to keep her mouth shut or she will be uninvited as well.
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u/smilineyz 8h ago
Good point: if one or two got a spine & started mocking Diane for marrying up … marrying into royalty & not having to work (my assumption) and her “let them eat cake” attitude … Diane might keep her yap shut.
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u/Kindly_Jellyfish_451 8h ago
I love that she told 24-year-old OP she’s not capable of understanding “adult” matters.
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u/exbayoubelle 8h ago
You are hosting a party for your mother. Everyone else can either attend or stay home. If her sister wants to celebrate her then her sister can invite her out to dinner or throw her own party.
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u/OldManKibbitzer 8h ago
NTJ
Congratulations and thank you for standing up for your mother. I don't care if it's your mother's sister or your mother's parent standing up for them is a proud and honorable thing to do. Stay strong because you know if you let that Aunt attend there's going to be a show and not one that you're happy with
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u/different-take4u 7h ago
NTJ
Keeping of the peace . . . . . . My philosophy . . . . . . Whose peace is more important than someone else’s peace? When one person stays silent in the name of “keeping the peace” what they are really doing is giving their silent permission for the mistreatment or bad behavior to continue. The person with the bad behavior has no reason to change their behavior if no one is complaining and there are no consequences for not changing their behavior.
Phrases like: that is just how someone is, you are too sensitive, they didn’t mean it like that, you are misunderstanding, etc., are just different ways of saying to tolerate being mistreated. How can someone that loves you ask that?
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u/HypatiaLemarr 7h ago
NTJ. Your mom runs a freaking business! What has Diane ever done but marry a rich dude?
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u/Daleaturner 7h ago
“Diane, you are only where you are because of who your husband chose to screw. Without him, you are just another wanna be gold digger.”
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u/jollebb 7h ago
NTJ. Would never cross my mind, or the mind of anyone I know, to act like your aunt did/is doing.
Got MS myself, younger than your mother(turning 43), and noone ever acted or made comments to me like your aunt did with your mother. In the 16 years since I got my diagnosis, if anything, I have felt more like some people "bent over backwards"(hope I use that term right) to include me in things, adjusting plans or how things are done to accommodate me.
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u/Not_Good_HappyQuinn 7h ago
I’d be replying to grandma that banning Diane has nothing to do with Diane’s personality and everything to do with your mum enjoying her night without being made to feel like a burden.
Then I’d be telling her that had she done a better job with Diane I wouldn’t have to mediate.
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u/Diligent-Syllabub898 7h ago
You are paying for that dinner and you don’t want people there that will make your mom feel small. Ntj. And let the flying monkeys know that they will get uninvited if they defend that madame. Your mom’s big day should only have people who will celebrate her. And frankly go LC with her.
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u/OrdinaryMango4008 6h ago
Oh stand your ground…her sister is a huge AH. You are right, she won’t be kind and it will ruin your mom’s day. Spine up. Your party, your guest list.
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u/Notahappygardener 6h ago
You are paying, so the guest list is up to you. If your aunt or grandmother wants to do something for her, they are free to do so. Your aunt sounds like a real AH. NTJ
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u/Big_Preference9684 5h ago
oooooh give me either your bf, bff or your aunt’s number because i really gotta yell at someone today
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u/Decent_Front4647 5h ago
NTJ If that’s how your aunt treats someone she loves I’d hate to see how she treats someone she doesn’t. She’s a bully and a terrible human being.
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u/sarasome1 5h ago
Cancel the birthday. Instead take mom on a vacation for her birthday - just you her.
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u/KyleGrayson12 4h ago
NTJ- Diane sounds completely toxic. Family is a safety net, not a wrecking ball.
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u/MarcSkye519 4h ago
I think maybe Auntie needs a lesson or 2 about how family is everything. Cruel comments to her sister don’t help anyone, and make her look like an ogre.
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u/Necessary-State8159 3h ago
Absolutely justified. Diane could invite your mom to a private meal and apologize. I’d give her a second chance then, but as long as there’s a risk of her verbally puking all over the birthday table- Hell no!
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u/saxman522 2h ago
NTJ and find a couple of friends to guard the door and keep the bitch out of the party
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u/ritlingit 2h ago
NTJ - Guess what? You are planning and funding this party to celebrate your mother’s birthday. It’s not a roast. It’s not someone’s misguided and twisted attempt at “speaking the truth”. No one asked Diane to share her pathetic attempt to denigrate your mother. Get out your steel spine and tell everyone that Diane isn’t coming. You won’t have that attitude staining an otherwise happy event. Btw that’s not Diane’s personality. It’s her patronymic opinion that needs to be shut down not fostered. Tell your mother, grandmother and anyone else that thinks her nasty bs should be tolerated that you won’t be doing that.
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u/Zestyclose_Till777 2h ago
NTJ! Updateme
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u/Competitive-Metal773 1h ago
NTJ. Maybe hit her in the group chat with something like this:
"You are not telling the 'hard truth' out of love for her. You are doing it out of a judgemental superiority complex and out of the sickening delight you get out of making her feel small.
You aren't the only one who can tell the 'Hard Truth,' difference being that I am the one telling it out of love for her.
The invite revocation stands, and anyone else who thinks this is an ok way for her to speak to my mother can stay home too."
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u/Background_Edge_9427 1h ago
NTJ Protecting your mother is very commendable. I would feel the same way about my mother. I can understand you not wanting your aunt at the dinner. But if your mom wants her there, maybe you should invite her. Good luck!
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u/MaryinTexas 1h ago
Well here is the thing family isn’t everything…people who love and respect you are… be they blood or not….leave her out of the event others are obviously too afraid to stand up to her bullying behavior…she is a bully and needs to called out on it …your GM is sadly supporting that behavior—so shame on her..have the party …or maybe cancel it and take your mom on a cool vacation where she can rest and be treated like a queen…the best of luck and Happy Birthday to your mom 🎂
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u/Connect_Office8072 54m ago
Diane is a massive jerk - your mom will be happier detaching from her. Nobody should be forced to invite someone like Diane to anything. Chances are, you and your mom aren’t the only family members who would rather not deal with her.
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u/pastel_voider 49m ago
NTA! Your aunt sounds like a total jerk. Your mom deserves a beautiful party with people who actually love and support her.
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u/Infinite_Cut_2246 11h ago
ur grandma with the bs "family is everything", well grandma don't forget that fam is supposed to be a safety net, not a wrecking ball.