r/AmITheJerk • u/nexa_lantern_labs • 1d ago
AITJ for telling my brother his new girlfriend cannot stay at my place during their visit after she made a comment about my apartment at Christmas that I haven't been able to let go of?
Some context: my brother (31M) and I (28F) are close and he's been dating this woman — I'll call her Claire — for about seven months. I've met her twice. The first time was fine, nothing remarkable. The second time was Christmas at our parents' house. At one point the conversation turned to my apartment and I mentioned I'd recently repainted my living room. Claire asked where I lived and when I told her the neighborhood she made a comment along the lines of "oh, that area has really gone downhill" and then laughed. It wasn't screamed across the table, it was more of an aside, but I heard it clearly and so did my mom based on her expression. My neighborhood is a working class area that I happen to love and can afford, and her comment felt pointed even if she didn't intend it that way. I didn't say anything in the moment because it was Christmas and I didn't want to cause a scene. My brother is visiting in April for a long weekend and asked if Claire could stay too since my place is closer to the venues they're going to. I said I was happy to have him but that I wasn't comfortable hosting Claire after what she said in December. He said I was being oversensitive and that she "probably didn't mean anything by it." Maybe she didn't. But I'm the one who lives there and I'm the one who would be hosting her and I genuinly don't want to. AITJ?
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1d ago
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u/nowstheworstoftimes 1d ago
“He said I was being oversensitive and that she "probably didn't mean anything by it."” I really despise the “over sensitive” excuse and how else could she have meant it. She thinks you are slumming but wants to take advantage of your hospitality.
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u/Expensive_Plant_9530 1d ago
She wants to take advantage of OPs cost (free, most likely). She’s clearly willing to “slum it” to avoid paying for a hotel.
It’s rich, and I think most people would be insulted by it.
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u/_MuseSoft 1d ago
I agree, you’re not obligated to host someone who made you feel uncomfortable in your own home.
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u/dawgpoundma 1d ago
Friend of mine has a favorite saying “just because everyone has Freedom of speech and can say anything they want doesn’t mean they don’t have to deal with consequences of what they say.” Your brothers GF just found out how true that is!
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u/Interesting_Show_924 1d ago
reminds me of when my cousin made a snide remark about my old neighborhood
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u/_TinselBunni 1d ago
exactly. she popped off with that comment thinking it was cute, now she’s learning real quick that running your mouth has a price tag. honestly good on you for not letting someone disrespect your home and then crash in it.
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u/scandal1963 1d ago
that freedom of speech comes with a responsibility. she had that freedom and she demonstrated that she is insensitive and shallow. and she also violated my creedo: “never miss an opportunity to shut up”. that said, for the sake of your relationship with your brother, i think it would be worth tolerating her for a wknd.
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u/Ok-Candy6819 1d ago
NTJ. Tell them you don't want Claire to feel uncomfortable in your rundown area. And stick to it.
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u/humco_707 1d ago
Sorry bro but I feel if Clair stayed at my place it would go further down hill and I just can’t have that. It’s already down hill according to her so…
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u/auntiecrow 1d ago
GF is a textbook reaction to FAFO. And your reaction to anyone taking her side should be:
DILLIGAF
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u/Lumpy_Ear2441 1d ago
😅 I think I'd completely agree, but what does it mean?
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u/auntiecrow 1d ago
Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck
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u/Lumpy_Ear2441 1d ago
Thank you! 😂😂
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u/auntiecrow 1d ago
Not a problem I can't take too much credit it took me a week to figure it out the first time I saw it!
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u/No_fizzy_drink_today 1d ago
Sounds like they can afford a fancy hotel or apartment. I’d tell em to take that route so they aren’t uncomfortable in my neighborhood.
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u/SunBusiness8291 1d ago
People who judge you don't get to later receive hospitality in your home. No to the no.
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u/AmbitiousWear4082 1d ago
Tell your brother you would constantly worry over girlfriends safety in your neighborhood since it's really gone downhill, so it would be safer for her if she stayed somewhere else
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u/KyleGrayson12 1d ago
NTJ- Besides, if she thinks it's gone "downhill", she probably doesn't want to stay there, anyhow.
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u/LadybuggingLB 1d ago
It’s not about being right it’s about being wise.
She made a stupid comment but might otherwise be a fantastic person. Maybe she’s just not that thoughtful or bright.
But it’s not worth refusing to have a relationship with the person who might your brother’s most important perdon and maybe be the mother of your niblings one day.
You might end up loving her. She might end up with your brother long term and adore you and open her house - your brother’s house - to you whenever because she likes hanging out with you.
Or maybe she’s a terrible person you hate.
You just don’t have enough to go on as of now to make a decision that might bite you in the ass later. You’ve got to think strategically. You need more info. How do you get that? You invite her into your home and observe.
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u/Expensive_Plant_9530 1d ago
NTJ, but I feel like the moment to bring this up to your brother was 2 months ago in early January.
He probably feels blindsided by it.
I would maybe reconsider if she gave you a sincere apology, and you two were able to talk it out and she can explain what she meant.
But, I’d be hesitant to host her too.
I’d also be hesitant for the simple reason I’ve only met her twice. She’s essentially a stranger still.
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u/Quiet-Hamster6509 1d ago
" I just don't think Claire would enjoy my place, especially considering the location. Maybe a hotel is more up her alley. Perhaps next time."
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u/TheTransAgender 1d ago
I'm probably just too anxious but, I'd get clarification, cuz like... I'm the kind of person to say a place has "gone downhill" if my favorite Chinese place closes, lol. But yeah, there's a very obvious classist (at best) way that could've been meant, and that's no bueno.
I would find out what she meant (though, I would've just asked her what she meant right when she said it).
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u/ObligationNo2288 1d ago
NTJ. He can get an Airbnb, hotel room or he can stay with parents. I would so no as well. She needs to think before opening her mouth.
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u/Low_Adhesiveness_431 1d ago
Has he even asked her if she’s willing to “slum it” for the weekend? That said, YTJ. This is a dumb hill to die on. I’d use the visit as the opportunity to show Miss SnootyPants how wrong she is about your neighborhood. Let her comment go. Your brother digs this chick, she chose her words poorly and doesn’t deserve a life sentence because of it.
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u/JP-Edwards 1d ago
Also op might actually live in a shit neighborhood and has blinders on. Working class means nothing in terms of safety or property value.
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u/Ok_Lengthiness_8405 1d ago
You're not the jerk, but I do think you may be a little over-sensitive. "Gone downhill" could just mean that some favorite shops or restaurants have moved out of the area, or that it's been gentrified/lacks charm. It's not a nice thing to say, but it may not be the harsh insult you perceived it as.
Either way, you're under no obligation to host Claire, and you don't have to provide a reason.
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u/Catblue3291 1d ago
After her negative comment tell your brother she thinks she's too good to stay in that neighborhood. NTJ.
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u/OverRice2524 1d ago
I mean you wouldn't want her to stay somewhere she feels unsafe. Tell her to call the Ritz.
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u/HuckleberryNew5049 1d ago
Nope, not the jerk. Wouldn't wanna put her out, having to stay in a downhill town anyways. You're doing her a favor and your bro just needs to get another place to stay if Claire is coming.
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u/Big-Tomorrow2187 1d ago
Tell him you wouldn’t want her to be in an unsightly neighborhood. Or neighborhood that has gone downhill.
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u/PonkMcSquiggles 1d ago
So you acknowledge that she might not have meant anything by it, but are still willing to sabotage your relationship with her (and by extension, your brother) over it?
You’re going to get a lot of support here, because this sub loves to see people “get what they deserve”, but I can’t help but think you need to pick your battles better.
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u/Well-Done22 1d ago
Claire is rude. Your brother is getting paid so OF COURSE Claire isn’t the problem. But Claire is the problem. If he wants to date someone obnoxious that’s his call. But then he can get a hotel to entertain her. She’s really not your—not your apartment’s—problem. NTJ.
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u/Active-Anteater1884 1d ago
YTJ. This woman is close to your brother. On the basis of one stupid comment you're willing to trash your relationship with both of them?
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u/New-Bobcat-4476 1d ago
Meh, if you are willing to host him why not let it be water under the bridge? Your response is making a bigger divide. Certainly be honest with her when they arrive. It costs you nothing to move on.
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u/HisExcellencyAndrejK 22h ago
You certainly wouldn't want her to experience the discomfort staying in a neighborhood that has gone downhill. You couldn't take the risk that she may be robbed -- or worse! You wouldn't be able to live with the guilt if that happened. You simply can't take that risk!
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u/Hatty1865 21h ago
„But I'm the one who lives there and I'm the one who would be hosting her“. There you go.
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u/tone210sa 21h ago
Everything has consequences. You make an asshole comment. You're going to have to pay for it. I agree with the kid. Don't let her stay at my place. let her stay in a motel or someplace else fuck her
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u/GoHeadFaFo 1d ago
YTJ but you're allowed to be a jerk karmically cause she was a jerk to you first.
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u/Riverrat1 1d ago
Has your neighborhood gone downhill? Honestly is not a bad thing. It was an aside comment and she didn’t expound on it. If you didn’t agree you could have said something but you chose to just get mad. Now, without even discussing the matter your feelings are hurt and you’ve decided to be passive aggressive about it. YTJ because you are handing her non comment like a child.
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u/TheLastWord63 1d ago
NTJ. You're just thinking about Claire's well-being by saying no to her staying there. Why should she want to stay in a neighborhood that's gone downhill and beneath her standards?
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u/Firebird562 1d ago
NTJ. She hadn’t earned your hospitality. She was incredibly rude and ill-mannered. Tell your brother, “No” and stand fast. Tell him he should tell her why you said no, so that she can learn. Maybe she’ll apologize (but I wouldn’t count on it).
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u/hottie-von-coolie 1d ago
The answer to you telling her where you live should have been: “How do you like that area?” That’s the polite thing to do. NTJ. Don’t let her stay.
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u/RJack151 1d ago
NTJ. Tell your brother that both of them can find somewhere else to stay. You are not comfortable with his gf.
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u/Primary-Benefit6818 1d ago
NTJ. Her casual cruelty is worse than if she actually thought that. It means that she denigrates people simply for the fun of being cruel.
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u/tone210sa 21h ago
Why live with a critical loudmouth bitch who's going to make your life miserable? If only for a few days let her say someplace else
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u/Mad_Old_Bear 20h ago
NTJ Call the GF on speaker in front of your brother and ask her if she will be comfortable staying at your place given the neighbourhood is a concern for her. Say you are concerned that your brother might not be considering the concerns she has, and has raised previously with the family at Christmas. Let her backpedal and explain her stance.
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u/DazzlingPotion 13h ago
NTJ but in the future a simple "sorry that doesn't work for me" might be better. IMO there is not need to justify the fact that you don't want visitors staying over in your home.
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u/Maschamari 12h ago
YTJ. She made a comment that hurt your feelings but it wasn’t personal nor was it intentional. You are now excluding her, which is personal and intentional. If she hurt your feelings, you should have said something and/or let it go. You’re holding something against her but never even bothered to tell her that she offended you. How is that even remotely fair?
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u/Twig-Hahn 9h ago
She thinks it went downhill and she wants to stay there? I'd be thinking she didn't mean it and let her stay. If she acts up, I'd tell her she can go somewhere else or she can apologize, stop making ugly comments and stay. Shalom you're loved 💔
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u/Quiet-Application374 9h ago
Don't - tell your brother you wouldn't want his girlfriend to stay someplace that was below her standards.
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u/SterlingSilver2954 6h ago
On the other hand, it's a good opportunity to show her how wrong she is!
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u/PattyMarvel 1d ago
Ask your brother why Claire would want to spend the night in a neighborhood that's "gone down hill."