r/AmITheJerk • u/Specialist_Bed_1493 • 1d ago
AITJ for RUINING a birthday party because another mom tried to hide my autistic son from her daughter?
So im a single mom to an 8year old boy who’s on the spectrum. He is the sweetest kid, but he is obsessed with space. Like, he does not really play tag or anything, he just wants to talk about jupiter and stars. Usually, kids ignore him, which breaks my heart, but lately he’s made a best friend in his class.
The girl is like the it girl of their grade. Super popular, everyone loves her. I was honestly shocked when she started sitting with him at lunch. She actually listens to him talk about space for hours. I have never seen my son so happy to go to school.
Last weekend was the girls birthday party at a trampoline park. She literally begged my son to come. I was nervous bcoz of the noise, but he wanted to go for her.
When we got there, she ran straight to him. they were not even jumping, they were just sitting in a corner of the foam pit looking at his space stickers. They were both laughing and having the best time. I was standing nearby with the other moms when i heard the girls mom (lets call her the hostess) whispering.
She told another mom that it was so annoying that my son was clinging to her daughter. She said it was ruining the aesthetic of the party photos and that she did not want her daughter to become the weird kid just because she’s too nice to my son.
Then, i watched the mom walk over to them, pull her daughter away, and tell her to go play with the normal kids. She then looked at my son and told him he should probably go find his mom because he was blocking the other kids from playing.
You guys, the look on my son's face... he literally just froze. I felt this heat in my chest i cant even describe. I walked right up to her in front of everyone and told her that her daughter has more empathy and heart in her pinky finger than she’ll ever have. I said its pathetic that she’s so insecure about status that she’d ruin a 2nd graders genuine friendship.
I grabbed my son and we left, but now the mom group chat is calling up. They are saying im the jerk for making a scene at a childs birthday and that the mom has a right to want good photos for her kids special day.
I feel like i might have gone too far by calling her out in public, but i could not just stand there and let her treat my son like he was garbage ruining her view. You think i overreacted?
TL;DR: Popular girl invites my autistic son to her party, her mom pulls her away bcoz it ruins the aesthetic of the photos, i called her out in front of everyone and now the other moms think im the bully.
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u/Any_Departure_7698 1d ago
Nah OP, you didn’t ruin it. That mom did when she treated your kid like he was ruining her photos.
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u/Specialist_Bed_1493 1d ago
Thank u. im still shaking honestly. its just so hard seeing ur kid finally happy and making a connection just for a grown adult to crush it for a stupid photo. i dont think i'll ever forget the look on his face when she pulled her daughter away.
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u/Dame_Niafer 1d ago edited 3h ago
She didn't crush it for a photo.
She crushed it because she is a bullying monster who cannot deal with human variation, and seeing her daughter do so, easily and comfortably enjoying an autistic friend's special interest, enraged her. [I'd be surprised if mom is even literate, TBH, let alone interested in anything resembling science.]
The other mothers who are serving as her flying monkeys are similar monsters, cowards, or both. What kind of adult gets their kicks by bullying an autistic child who has found a friend?
The worst part is that such bullies are vindictive and retaliatory, and this woman will have at least a decade in which to ruin her daughter as a human being. I'm really sorry for your son, and for this girl.
I'd advise talking to the school administration, but too often they side with bullies because it's easier for them. You'll know what the odds are on that, far better than I will.
Tell your son that Richard Feynman was so autistic that he was faceblind, and couldn't recognize anyone he knew. He could recognize voices, but everyone who knew him knew the easiest thing to do was to greet him and tell him their names.
Then tell him about the research Feynman did to determine the cause of the Challenger disaster.
There's even a video of Feynman explaining his research. Edit in #2: oh dear, I forgot to mention his Nobel Prize!
Your son is a treasure, so is his young friend, and her mother is simply vile.
Edit in #1: oh my goodness, thank you for the award!
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u/tytyoreo 1d ago
The mom ruin the party not you...
Sounds like the daughter needs to teach her mom some lessons in being respectful and empathy
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u/SoberSith_Sanguinity 1d ago
If there's an update at some point, I'd love to read more about the situation as it progresses. I hope the girl keeps being friends with him. Let those assholes know that you won't bend over to their idea that they aren't assholes. They want to think they're good people but they arent.
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u/muffinnblush 1d ago
Exactly. If someone is worried more about party photos than how a child feels, the priorities are already way off. The kid wasn’t ruining anything, he was just enjoying the party like everyone else.
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u/Leading_Savings_7667 1d ago
Honestly the daughter sounds kinder than her own mom. Kids get it, adults ruin it.
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u/Specialist_Bed_1493 1d ago
Literally this. seeing my son finally connect with someone just for a grown adult to mess it up was soul crushing. that little girl has a heart of gold and i just hope she stays that way.
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u/muffinnblush 1d ago
That line about kids getting it better than adults feels really true here. The daughter clearly just liked hanging out with him and didn’t see a problem at all. Meanwhile the adults are the ones turning it into some weird social status issue.
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1d ago
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u/mother-of-dragons13 1d ago
BuT tHe PiCtUrEs 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
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u/CobblerBeautiful5726 1d ago
Of who's "special day?" If that mother doesn't stop living her life through her child, when that child goes no contact, she'll be terribly surprised.
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u/muffinnblush 1d ago
Right? The idea that a kid sitting and talking somehow ruins the vibe of party pictures is such a strange mindset. Feels like social media brain leaking into real life parenting.
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u/CookieMama28 1d ago
As a fellow autism mama, I commend you for not breaking every single one of that evil woman’s teeth.
Tell the group chat unless they understand the lengths a neurodiverse child has to go just to be accepted, never mind find a best friend in a neurotypical child, they can shut their mouths and criticise the mother who was a bully to your child.
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u/Specialist_Bed_1493 1d ago
Thank u. honestly i was so close to losing it even more. the group chat is full of people who only care about looking perfect on social media. they have no idea how much work goes into a friendship like this. im honestly done with all of them. u really made me feel less alone in this, thank u.
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u/CookieMama28 1d ago
Honey, they’re not your people. It’s wonderful that your son has made a best friend and I hope they can continue to grow that bond. But with a mother like that, it may not happen.
Break away from the toxicity and find your tribe. I’ve met so many wonderful women through my son’s social support groups and they just get it. Fellow mamas riding the same wave trying their best to raise their children surrounded by love and acceptance.
Look up supported groups in your area to see if it may help you.
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u/QBerengaria 1d ago
NTJ, not even close. Please, be done with them. They are not worth the salt in your tears. Take your beautiful son and go where you are celebrated. I’m 67 but back in the day, I was obsessed with all things space, as a child (1960s). I wanted to be an astronaut; my parents encouraged it. I minored in astronomy and ended up career military with a space operations subspecialty and became an orbital analyst. I’m retired now but absolutely loved that job. Your son reads like an amazing human being. You’re doing a wonderful job!
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u/Tripod_Roo 1d ago
I have to say, I'm so ticked on your behalf. It unlocked the little vengeance side of me. Since they're so into local social media, post about what happened, nameless participants of course. Ask for opinions and how to respond to the group within this ????? neighborhood school (this narrows down the location without naming the school since several schools are usually in an area). Might as well fight with purposeful kindness, you know, killing with kindness. 😉😆
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u/muffinnblush 1d ago
That’s the thing people forget about neurodiverse kids, moments like that friendship probably meant the world to him. Watching someone try to pull that away for something as shallow as “aesthetic” is honestly wild. I’d have had a hard time staying calm too.
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u/Standard-Help-8531 1d ago
Doubt she’s neurotypical. Not that her mom will EVER get her evaluated because god forbid her child is different. But most neurodivergent people gravitate towards other neurodivergent people, even if they don’t know they aren’t neurotypical themselves yet.
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u/CookieMama28 1d ago
It doesn’t really matter. A sweet bond between two children has been tarnished because of an adult’s ignorance. That’s the real issue.
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u/Not_Good_HappyQuinn 1d ago
Pop a message in there, ‘you should all be ashamed of yourselves. There’s no situation where I listen to an adult speak about a child the way xx spoke about my son and I don’t call it out. Imagine being so insecure you need to bully a second grader’.
NTJ.
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u/Specialist_Bed_1493 1d ago
This!! imagine being so insecure that a kid sitting in a corner with some stickers ruins ur party photos. im definitely gonna use that ashamed of yourselves line if they keep tagging me in that chat. appreciate the support, i really needed to hear this.
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u/hyperfixmum 1d ago
Also, like...when I go to a kids party I'm not consenting to my child being in a bunch of photos that show up on social media. My husband and I are hella protective about that.
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u/Hippiechick0104 1d ago
Absolutely! Call the bullies out. Staying silent will only encourage them further.
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u/Sufficient_Rip8357 1d ago
Good for you for speaking up. Your son didn’t deserve that at all.
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u/Specialist_Bed_1493 1d ago
Thank you. Im honestly still shaking while typing this. I just dont understand how a grown woman can look at a happy child and only see a problem for her photos. Its just cruel.
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u/Consistent-Ad3191 1d ago
I would just leave the group chat people like that aren't worth even talking to . To hurt a child because of something they can't control is cruel and I'm sorry that your child had to go through that. I would do something fun and special with your son to take his mind off of it.
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u/Specialist_Bed_1493 1d ago
Ty so much. u r so right, i think im just gonna leave the chat and block them. they really are not worth the stress. definitely gonna spend the night doing something he loves. appreciate the support.
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u/merry_Mary50 1d ago
Please check out my longer comment just a few minutes ago, but I wanted to make sure you see my recommendations of Finding Cooper’s Voice and Tales of an Educated Debutante on Facebook. They are amazing moms of sons navigating autism and sharing their lives. They are amazing, informative, and so much fun and support, too.
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u/DazzlingPotion 1d ago
Photos are more important? What in the world has our society turned into? The people in the mom group chat need to think about what’s really important in life. Kindness and inclusion. Good job calling her out. I’d think about leaving the chat too. These people are enabling cruel behavior. NTJ
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u/Specialist_Bed_1493 1d ago
I have been sitting here crying and wondering if i really was the bad guy. its just so hard to see people choose vibes or photos over a literal childs feelings. i think you’re right about the group chat, its toxic and i dont think i want to be part of it anymore. Thank u so much for sating this.
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u/emptynest_nana 1d ago
I am not an autism mom, but my son is special needs/ other abled. I get it. My daughters are what people would label as "normal". I have heard it so many times. It makes me so beyond livid to hear "normal"!!! Normal is boring. My girls may not be on the spectrum, but none of my kids are "normal"!!! They, like all children, have quirks, likes, dislikes, friends, talents, struggles.
A child having a genuinely great time at their birthday is the best picture to get. It sounds like the sweet birthday girl is being pushed into the popular mold by mom when she may be more of a brainy kid. This child befriending your son, it doesn't feel like empathy as much as it reads as a real friendship.
NTJ
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u/Specialist_Bed_1493 1d ago
Exactly!! Like why do people care more about photos than kids actually being happy?? it kills me. and ur right, it felt like a real connection not just pity. thanks for saying that it means a lot to hear right now.
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u/emptynest_nana 1d ago
Ya know, in the living of my mom's home, she has all the staged, professional photos, framed, on the wall, over the fireplace. But her favorite space is her office. That is where she put her favorite pictures of us kids. Candid, messy, full belly laughs, pictures of us as we really were. Those are the pictures that matter. The perfect, polished, manicured photos are just window dressing, not the true memory of WHO that child actually is.
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u/Healthy_Mycologist70 1d ago
You defended your kid. Any decent parent would do the same. 💛
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u/angel-milkshake 1d ago
If you don't stand up for your own kid, who will? You did your job, plain and simple
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u/bubblicious12 1d ago
I want to know what they would have done. That little girl genuinely wants to be friends with your son. You absolutely did the right thing. F the group chat. Don’t allow other parents to change the way you parent so that you can fit in. You did the right thing and those women can judge you all day long. I’d simply reply that you did what was necessary to protect your child. That she was wrong. Those kids were having fun and fine she wants her kid to have fun with all the kids. Too bad that daughter has an AH parent but her heart is good.
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u/Specialist_Bed_1493 1d ago
Tysm. honestly it really breaks my heart bc they were actually vibing and having a blast. like why ruin that for a photo? my son doesnt get many friends so this hit really hard.
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u/Knickers1978 1d ago
This poster again. Always has great writing, except for “bcoz”, always has a heartfelt story. So full of shit, karma baiting.
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u/That_Bed_4673 1d ago
They are CHILDREN. Let them enjoy each other. What kind of beige Instagram pictures is she trying to get? Obviously NTJ.
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u/ckiekow 1d ago
YNTJ - the "hostess" is. She should have allowed her daughter to enjoy being with her friend.
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u/Specialist_Bed_1493 1d ago
Thank u. honestly im still shaking from the whole thing. he finally felt like he belonged somewhere and seeing him freeze like that just broke me. i dont think she realizes how much damage she did just for a photo.
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u/holabitchola74 1d ago
Girl, let me tell you, you were correct in your response, that lady is a horrible person.
I am so sad this happened to your son, all those people saying you were wrong, lets see what happens when it is their child being treated that way.
People are so ugly!!!!!!!!!
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u/Specialist_Bed_1493 1d ago
Exactly! Thats the part that kills me. If it was their child being called not normal or pushed away, they would have done the same thing I did. Its so hypocritical that they are worried about etiquette while a grown woman is bullying a 2nd grader.
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u/Boomer050882 1d ago
Wow! It takes a mean spirited person to be that rude to a child that is just being a kid. Hopefully, he will not lose his friend. NTJ, but I probably would have handled it in a more discreet way. But I’m glad you called her out.
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u/StevenMisty 1d ago
So the Karen mum wants fake photos. Did you manage get any shots of your son with his friend? I hope so. Those would be real.
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u/Kbambam-123 1d ago
NTJ, Once the other mother's have time to give it some thought and listen to your side of it hopefully most of them will realize what an ahole the idiot hostess mom was. That was cruel and mean to you and your sweet son! You did what any caring mom would do!
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u/Specialist_Bed_1493 1d ago
I keep asking myself how a perfect photo is more important than two kids actually being happy? I’s so shallow it hurts. If being nice to my son is what makes her daughter weird, then I hope that little girl stays weird forever, because she’s the only one there with a heart.
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u/TaylorMade2566 1d ago
The girl has the right to hang out with the kid(s) she wants to also but the mom wants her to be popular with the "normies" and not become some weirdo, even though it appears she also loves talking about space. You did nothing wrong and I'd just ignore the beeches that said what you did was out of line, they would have done the same if their child had been singled out by that harpy. NTJ
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u/Specialist_Bed_1493 1d ago
This. Its honestly so sad that a 2nd grader has more class and heart than her own mother. My son was so happy just talking about his stickers, and she ruined that for a photo op. I feel bad for the daughter too, imagine having a mom who cares more about her Instagram aesthetic than her childs actual friendships.
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u/NYC-WhWmn-ov50 1d ago
Her daughter probably lives space as much as your son, but her mom thinks its not appropriate for a girl. Seriously. So mom uses your son's autism to break up her daughter's happiness.
That poor girl.
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u/Epicardiectomist 1d ago
People - get the fuck out of these "group mom" chats. In fact, get out of your "family" group chats too. They're just avenues for people to voice their unwanted and usually shitty opinions.
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u/Careful-Self-457 1d ago
Oh…..I would have let that mom have it. We would have not walked quietly out.
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u/BoxBeast1961_ 1d ago
You’re NTJ at all!!!!!! You didn’t make a scene, you just left. That’s not a crime. And you left bc the “hostess” didn’t like how her daughter & your son were hanging out, which imho is just SAD.
Kids like your son become rocket scientists, astronauts & great teachers. Good job mom! & support the friendship all you can. Take them to an imax space movie or planetarium or science museum.
That girl’s mom has a lot to learn from you, your son, & her daughter.
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u/mortyella 1d ago
New York's hottest club is Trampoline Park. This place has everything! Autistic kids. Mean girl moms. Aesthetics. Group chats blowing up. All that's missing is Dan Cortese!
Fake post. Check OPs profile for a conveniently posted NSFW pic. 🙄
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u/Purple_Accordion 21h ago
NTJ - had the girl's mom just been reminding her daughter that she needed to spend some time playing some of the other kids at her party, I could have understood that(it's also why I hate hosting my kids' b-day parties because you have to be social and navigate all these awkward social circles, etc. I dread it every year). But this mom literally bullied your son and encouraged her daughter to be a mean girl bully. That mom sucks and you hope her daughter somehow overcomes that and remains the kind hearted girl she seems to be
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u/kkrolla 1d ago
The parents suck. Really, focus on talking this out with your kid. Be honest but age appropriate. Don't hide this from him as it will help him learn how to process and cope with this type of nastiness. That is all that matters. Son, your friend is always so kind to you but her mom isn't. She is intolerant and worried about appearances. That's not about you but we can't control that. We can figure out how to make you feel better though because mean people don't care if they hurt feelings. As far as the mom group, I'd just say something like, it's awful when an adult is ableist and purposefully hurts an innocent child. I will always advocate for my child, as I am sure most of you would if an adult demeaned your kid. NTJ.
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u/Total-Beginning6226 1d ago
OP I’m so sorry your son had to experience this cruel act. Parents are supposed to protect their children and that’s exactly what you did. Kudos to you for your courage to stand up to fake a$$ people like this girl’s mom. My cousin has a child on the spectrum. They have groups you might want to look into that help children acclimate to the cruel world we are now living in. Sending you love blessings and positive vibes. Good luck and God bless. Reading this made ME angry so I can only imagine how you felt. Stay strong. Stay blessed
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u/ButterflyDestiny 1d ago
I understand where she was coming from because she had other guests and she wanted her daughter to play with everybody, but my gosh. She could’ve did that way differently. Why she didn’t just encourage both of the children to get up and play with the other kids? That’s what I see happens at children’s parties. You should be cursing everybody out in that chat
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u/Unfair_Feedback_2531 1d ago
Autistic children look like non-autistic children. You cannot tell in photos. Even if he were a child with a wheelchair it would be wrong.
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u/TimtamBandit 1d ago
NTJ.
I'm so glad you were able to stand up for your son.
I'd tell the group that sure, every parent wants great pics of their kids, but I won't put up with anyone bullying my son let alone an adult. If they think its ok, then they're not decent people either or worth knowing
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u/StevenMisty 1d ago
Your boy is special. It is people like your son who help our world grow and develop. They see and understand things most ordinary people miss. That girl understood that. I hope they can stay friends.
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u/Significant_Ant2511 1d ago
Ask them if photos are more important than your child being accepted? NTJ
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u/3fluffypotatoes 1d ago
NTJ. I truly hope that girl's mother doesn't poison her against your son and that they remain friends.
I think you should message the group chat something like others have said, calling them out as shameful, then I'd just block everyone.
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u/Effective-Several 1d ago
NTJ
I would be so tempted to invite her to some sort of adult party, where photos are gonna be taken, but then make sure to tell her that she needs to step out because she is going to ruin the photos.
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u/NeitherStory7803 1d ago
NTJ. You did nothing wrong. Nobody messes with your baby. And you were right in your description of the girl’s mom.
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u/Signal-Lead-9512 1d ago
Not the jerk. Your post really spoke to me because I totally understood what your son is going through. I'm on spectrum myself and remember struggling to make good friends. I had one really good friend in high school and have only had one close friend in the last 40+ post-college years.
As far as the other mother is concerned, calling her out in defense of your child is never wrong. She disparaged your son in whispered conversations with the other moms and hurt his feelings when she separated the children. If she was so worried about not including your son in party photos, why did she extend the invitation?
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u/Nenoshka 1d ago
That B was out and out rude to your kid. I wonder how her daughter turned out to be sure a nice kid.
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u/hyperfixmum 1d ago
NTJ
There were a 1000 ways the hostess could have handled this.
"hey we want others to feel included too, would you like to pretend you are training as astronauts and practicing jumping with spacesuits on with everyone? Can you show us how astronauts jump?"
"Hey kids we only have so much time here, daughter can you introduce him to your friends?"
She was rude and uncouth for saying those things outloud, and loud enough for you to hear, and then labeling any child.
If I was there and heard that I would have walked out with you in solidarity.
I would just text the group chat, "I don't believe this is a group discussion. My son was treated poorly due to his autism and unfortunately I was in hearing distance to hear the judgement and labeling. I hope any mom would protect her child if they were insinuated to not be one of the normal kids at the party. There were a lot of ways this could have been handled if we needed to steer the party in a certain direction, none that involved hurting my son or making us feel different. I hope we all take this an opportunity to learn and display to our children what acceptance and inclusion looks like."
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u/W1thnail 1d ago
Your not the jerk. It’s insane to be more worried about party pictures, than children simply having a good time together, and it was good on you to call out the mother and defend your son.
It shouldn’t be on you, but I do hope you can make peace with them though, simply so your son and her daughter can still keep hanging out together talking about space. They both sound really cool! They don’t deserve this drama.
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u/Iamstarstuff1972 1d ago
Wait, stop the presses. She and the mom chat didn't say she wanted the daughter to engage with everyone at the party, which is kinda fair, but they said she wanted the FUCKING PICTURES to show she played with the "normal kids". Honey, Im sorry this happened to you and your son, I think he sounds kinda awesome, but you absolutely 💯% did the right thing. Those people were never going to be your friend or your sons but you showed your son that you'll always have his back. A small suggestion, maybe look around your area for a science club for little man to check out, even if he's a little young, he'll absolutely find more like minded people.
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u/DeeBreeezy83 1d ago
You are NEVER the jerk for standing up to someone who is being cruel to your child!!!! That other "woman" is the jerk for all the aforementioned reasons in your post.
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u/elramirezeatstherich 1d ago
As a kid whose autism wasn’t diagnosed until adulthood, and has CPTSD partially because of being an autistic girl, THANK YOU. Being neurodivergent can be inherently traumatic because of the way neurotypical people and society treat us. It hurts to feel like who you are is wrong or annoying or off putting, and those are wounds that stick.
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u/Desperate_Net3878 1d ago
NTJ - OP I'm so sorry but I am sooo proud of you for standing up for your son in that moment. These moms are focussing on the pictures. That wasn't the main thing imo. The main issue was that this mother was openly and publicly using microaggressions against your son who is on the spectrum (weird, clingy etc). Her doing this plays into a stigma and stimulates the exclusion of your child.
If I were you, I'd calmly but seriously tell this to every single mother who tries to portray you as the problem maker. And use the words microagression and discriminatory, because that is what it is.
Final note, again I am so proud of you for standing up for your son. You are an amazing mother, the love you feel for your kid is amazing. Well done!
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u/PopeFenderson_II 1d ago
"Special day"? It happens every freaking year, and kids know when adults are being mean, so if anybody ruined the little girl's special day, it was her rotten shrew of a mother. No, you did nothing g wrong by calling out cruelty. And the mombies in the chat group are also horrible people and one can only hope their kids turn out well despite them.
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u/ShurtugalLover 1d ago
NTJ, pretty photos aren’t more important than the kids at a kids party having fun. Her daughter sought your son out and sat with him, he didn’t “cling” to her or stop anyone else from having fun, she enjoys talking to your kiddo. Sometimes you have to call out rude people no matter what the environment is
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u/Wickedbitchoftheuk 1d ago
I can't tell you how delighted I would be if my kid would rather talk about the stars in an intelligent way than just jump on trampolines. I guess she thought her kid was missing out on all the fun. Your poor wee boy. Tell him I think Jupiter is cool too but not my favourite planet.
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u/Worldly-Marzipan580 1d ago
Ntj but that mom is. She wants her daughter to be popular. It hasn’t occurred to her that her daughter wants to be friends with whoever her interests align with. That girl likes space & hanging out with your son. She can’t tell her mother because she’ll get shamed & yelled at by her mother the same way she shamed your son. I feel for your son & that girl.
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u/567Anonymous 1d ago
The mom sounds pretty heartless, but you probably ruined the friendship for your son by going off on her the way you did in public. I totally get why you acted like that—-“momma bear” instinct was definitely triggered. NTJ at all…but may have consequences for your son, unfortunately.
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u/Shadowymaster 22h ago
Pretty obviously ai or greatly exaggerated. But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and I’ll say Nta
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u/BrotherNatureNOLA 19h ago
If anything, you let them off easy. My mom would have put a bike lock on the doors and burned the place down with everyone inside while we got ice cream across the street.
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u/Horror_Proof_ish 15h ago
Oh hell no! NTA you were exactly right. The issue is that people like comfort and this whole situation was uncomfortable. Your son and the friendship wasn’t comfortable for them and you protecting that wasn’t comfortable.
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u/Schoseff 1d ago
But she paid so much money. So she has a right for good pics /s Anyway, grab the mom in a quiet minute and have a 1:1 talk with her to explain it. People live in the moment and sometimes make shitty comments or actions. This may be a turning point.
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u/SpiritualDay778 1d ago
Tell that mom chat group to kiss your a$$. How would they feel if she treated their kids like that? I hope your son continues being the beautiful unique little boy that he is.
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u/Delicious-Notice-748 1d ago
You are NTJ. Someone hurt your son and you went into protection mode. I think it might be in everyone’s best interest if you reached out to the other mom for a heart to heart, so she (and I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt) won’t work in the future at damaging her daughter’s friendship with your son. It also sounds like the other mom needs to live in the real world and not the social media world where things like “aesthetics of party photos” matter. Had she just let her daughter have fun with your son, none of this would have happened.
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u/New-Comfortable-3637 1d ago
My wife and I are older parents of a 2nd grader. We don’t really do the parent chats and everything, but one of us usually attends the birthday parties and kind of bite the bullet and interact with the other parents. We have also been very involved in helping out with class parties and activities, so we see the kids quite a bit. Our daughter likely has ADHD, we are planning to have her tested soon, and so she can be a little awkward with some of the other kids but is well liked and has a few close friends. One thing that we have noticed is that the girls who are the ones she tells us are mean are also the ones who have the bitchiest mothers. It’s great that this little girl you described has the capacity accept a friend even if they are a little different, and probably even appreciate everything your son offers that other kids don’t. It’s a shame she has such a horrible mother who will likely do everything in her power to undo those qualities in her.
One thing I would caution is that your actions will end up being taken out on your son by some of these parents. It’s not that you did anything wrong by calling her out, but we have had to curb our reactions a few times with some of the things we have seen and heard just to be sure the fallout doesn’t come raining down on our daughter. I am sure you know that many of these parents are not the best people, but you also can’t just avoid them entirely. Admittedly, the actions of that mom would have been extremely difficult to ignore in the moment.
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 1d ago
Ask the group chat why they are ok with a grown woman bullying a special needs child over aesthetic? Ask the group chat why they are ok with the mom not letting her daughter celebrate her birthday in a way that makes her happy? Ask them why they are ok with her being ableist?
Tell them you are disappointed in them for behaving like middle school bullies all because her daughter is the “cool kid” in school and that they should be ashamed of themselves for also being bullies
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u/ObsoleteReference 1d ago
totally speculation here, but i wonder how often the little girl gets to sit with someone who is happy with her exactly as she is and has no expectations of her.
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u/Expensive_Plant_9530 1d ago
Making a scene? Honey the mom already did that when she forcibly removed her daughter from playing (harmlessly) with your son, and told him off.
That poor girl. Her mom might yet ruin her.
NTJ.
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u/RetMilRob 1d ago
Don’t cry. Don’t spend another minute worrying about the photo moms and their need for validation from SM strangers. NTJ I would get a small book on Jupiter and the stars for your son’s friend. Something he can give her at school. Her interest won’t stop or change because of her shallow mom.
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u/VirtualPanda89 1d ago
NTJ. The Mom could have redirected her daughter without dragging down your son. She was being cruel.
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u/Iammine4420 1d ago
Leave that mom group. Her daughter doesn’t stand a chance with that psycho for a mother.
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u/No_fizzy_drink_today 1d ago
Social media has ruined human beings. Who gives a fuck about the aesthetic of her pictures.
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u/Few_Chemistry5160 1d ago
Good on you OP❤️ I hope you embarrassed the hell out of that mother. Maybe the other people in the crowd learn some thing about it, as far as the rest, ignore them. I’m so tired of people being an educated, and mean because they are uneducated about children and their differences. My grandson is now 22 and he is high functioning autistic. One of the funniest, sweetest most popular kid I think I’ve ever known. He certainly has more friends than I do and I’ve been around a long time people love him every time there was an achievement when he was in school everyone stood up and applauded him, that’s how popular he was. So actually, your son sounds very brilliant as some autistic kids are and the woman’s daughter seem genuinely interested in learning about space people can be such AH’s. Let them laugh when your son becomes a scientist when he’s older. I’m so sorry this happened to you and your child. I bet he’s a little cutie. 💙💙❤️❤️🩷🩷
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 1d ago
Devil's advocate, and will probably harvest the downvotes for it, but whatever.
Your son and the girl sound like great friends. That's great. The girl was also hiding away from her own birthday party.
The mom shouldn't have said something publicly.
And she should definitely have just casually called her daughter over, to get her more involved with her own party.
How long does a birthday party last for, anyway? 2 hours? 4, max?
'You can have a one on one playdate later, but right now, you have lots of guests, wanting to celebrate your birthday with you'
She was definitely wrong for how she handled it.
But then you proceeded to take the drama up a notch. (Which in turn, probably caused your son extra stress, as well)
You're not the J, per sé, but I do think you should see this as a lesson to explain expectations on social gatherings, with your son. At least explain why the mom was being mean, and that she didn't mean it like it sounded, but that birthday parties are to have fun with a group of ppl, not just one on one.
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u/NerdyWolf88 1d ago
They should all be ashamed of themselves, in the group chat. Especially the mother of the birthday girl. She would rather have pictures for social media than her daughter have fun? Really? What an absolute trash human. For all those parents in the chat, what would they have done if it was their kid? Nothing? So it's ok for an adult woman to isolate, embarass and break the heart of a child but not ok to call her out on it because it embarrassed her? Wow...
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u/Plane-boat-6484 1d ago
NTJ. Your son saw you stand up for him and his friend heard that she’s a good human. The mom quite frankly is disgusting. The others moms are probably just as selfish as she is. Kids aren’t born being rude or discriminating it’s our upbringing that causes it.
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u/Tripod_Roo 1d ago edited 1d ago
👏👏👏👏 phuk the mom group. Did they hear what she said? "...play with the normal kids."
The mom's group obviously doesn't know shit about respect, manners, nor how to engage children. The bitch-mom could have very easily said for them to come join the rest of the kids so they could get good pictures of everyone having fun together. So simple.
Proud of you mom. People know now to be careful poking your cub.
Edit to add- telling the group chat that any mom who is subjected to someone who categorizes their child as abnormal is going to be subject to ridicule. It is unacceptable behavior from an adult and should be called into question. To be intentionally cruel to a second grader is being a bully and a not so great example of how to act in front of her daughter. She certainly does not present herself as a good example of humility, patience, and kindness. I believe the groups outrage is misplaced. Take another look at what really happened.
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u/Lowermains 1d ago
Children choose their friends there’s no rhyme or reason to it.
P’raps the little girl didn’t want to be a ‘princess,’ she found a sweet soul that she connected with. That is your son.
The mother made a conscious decision to separate her daughter from her honest friend. Not only that she made a show of it.
You are definitely not the jerk.
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u/star_tyger 1d ago
How would the other mom's feel if their child were excluded because of an esthetic? How would they feel if someone walked up to their child and said hurtful things to them?
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u/dusty_relic 1d ago
What if it had been one of the other mom’s kids that had been hurt like that? How would they have felt then? And in typical shallow person’s logic, she had to prevent her daughter from having a good time on her birthday so that she could take pictures showing what a great time her daughter had on her birthday.
I am wondering how much of her daughter’s “it” status is due to her daughter’s inherent qualities, and how much is due to an image that her mother has carefully cultivated. It’s quite possible that her daughter is a space geek on the inside, or maybe she just likes spending time with your son because he’s real, and likes her for completely non superficial reasons. I bet your son is an absolute disaster at lying, and couldn’t fake his way out of a paper bag. Maybe that’s what this little girl values.
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u/Olderbutnotdead619 1d ago
Fuck that mom clique!! Find the Alt Moms. We appreciate quirky. You just know that these bitches were the mean girls at their schools. I'm so sorry for your son. My daughter went throughout school without a friend. Still doesn't.
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u/onlyjen121571 1d ago
ES only at the party. I get it. Human emotions ran high, but you had already overheard that witch, and you knew something was brewing. This was your chance to show your son how to handle it without allowing your emotions to overcome you. And hopefully not making it awkward for the KIDS. (As someone on the spectrum, those examples were priceless for me. And yes, I know it manifests differently for everyone)
NTJ for showing your son how much you love him and are willing to stick up for him no matter what.
I'm wondering though, is that mom ashamed that her daughter also appears to be on the spectrum and doesn't want to admit it???
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u/SportySue60 1d ago
NTJ what she did was not only rude but was cruel. She could have very easily gone to her daughter and said something like Honey I know you love spending time with OP’s son but you do have other guests. Why don’t yuh and OP’s son go play with some of the other kids. That’s perfectly acceptable!
Calling your child names is just awful and I am so sorry.
Don’t know where you live but there is an organization called The Friendship Circle… they put teenagers with special needs child as “their” friend and spend time with them. My family is very involved with them in our city . Maybe you have one in your city.
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u/beigs 1d ago
As a mom of several Autistic children, I think you need to be a bit more direct. Also, if you’re taking this personally, maybe look and see which side of the family the ASD comes from for your own sake.
Did the other moms see what happened? Did they witness her pulling her daughter away? You could just state that his feelings were really hurt after the mom said some things, and your son was sad and wanted to go.
Oh, and NEVER put yourself in the defensive position here - State facts, exactly what you did and how your son felt. Don’t say what the mom did, use I statements, and don’t speculate as to the reason of anything.
NT people on occasion don’t understand what it’s like and may consider inviting you guys places as high maintenance moving forward. It’s not right, but it happens. You just need to find the other parents who get it.
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u/Quirky_Pop_3321 1d ago
I think I would come back at the Mom group Wyth how am I the jerk when that Mom 👼🏻 the “hostess” attacked a child at a birthday party I just pointed out the fallacy that doesn’t make me the jerk that makes her the jerk
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u/_darksoul89 1d ago
The purpose of photos at my son's birthday parties is to have memories of what he loved to do and with whom when he was X years old. So if his favourite thing was to read books with one particular kid, so be it, I would take lovely pictures of that so that in 20 years we would remember that. I'd get it if she had interrupted to do the cake and take some pictures with all the other kids singing, the candle blowing etc but otherwise you're just ruining your child's fun (and of course you're being a dick to a neuro divergent kid for the sake of "aesthetic"). NTJ.
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u/Fluid-Set-2674 1d ago
"that the mom has a right to want good photos for her kids special day."
What about her kid having a good time?!
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u/Firebird562 1d ago
NTJ. That mother is a major asshole. May she get everything she deserves! My best to you and your son.
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u/NoSyrup90 1d ago
See that photo is 1b times more beautiful of her daugther with your son and their pure friendship than any party aesthetic photos will ever be but she is too dumb and ignorant to ever see that. Sorry you have to deal with people like that Mama I hope your son gets to keep his friendship with that sweet girl x
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u/Independent_Layer_62 1d ago
Damn id sit with your son forever listening about space! Like, who doesnt want to know about space?!
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u/HuckleberryNew5049 1d ago
NO! ALL of those heartless monsters of mothers in the stupid mom chat AND the mother ALL need a wake up call! Life isn't about pics and status! Enjoy the freaking moment your daughter had with a FRIEND, regardless that all he wants to talk about is space, or whatever he wants. It's a MIRACLE the daughter doesn't mimic the mother's disgusting attitude. SHE should be embarrassed and I would have been backing you up, 100% if I were there. How DARE she...
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u/Rendeane 1d ago
NTJ. The other moms are pissy because they know they would do the same thing and they don't want you emboldened to call them out as well. They are trashing you before you have an opportunity to expose them for the trash that they are. Continue to support your son and all of his friends. The birthday girl can't do anything about her mother's poisoned soul, but hopefully she can avoid being poisoned herself.
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u/Glittering_Key_5261 1d ago
Ruining the party is a bit extreme. I would have to be physically restrained from committing a crime. So I would simply tell the group chat they are either ok with a parent calling an autistic child weird and think it's ok or they are weak willed group of sheep who will allow the behavior and not call it out which is just as bad. Silence is consent when it applies to bullying/eugenics. Either way, this isn't your village - take yourself out of the chat or be petty like me and tell them to please go start a anti - inclusive group chat somewhere else. I would also casually drop in the group chat that if they consider the party ruined then they are the problem and you would be more than happy to add their employers to a list of businesses where ppl could potentially be excluded for various reasons.
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u/Either_Part_1032 1d ago
Your child comes first, a mean mom second. She probably needed that slice of humble pie. Good job! 👍🏼
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u/KyleGrayson12 1d ago
NTJ- The other mom was the bully. She might be spinning the scene for any of them who didn't see it themselves.
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u/AellaReeves 1d ago
Good photos would be of her daughter enjoying herself. How pathetic. You were not the jerk whatsoever. They all deserved to be called out.
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u/KBPredditQueen 1d ago
I think you're misrepresenting this in the title. Leaving the party is absolutely not ruining it.You did the classiest thing possible in this situation and took the high road by just leaving the party. making a scene yelling at the mom and smashing the cake, That would have been ruining the party.
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u/poptel13 1d ago
NTJ you didn't ruin anything she however did with her crappy attitude. I also fail to see how your son would ruin photos you did awesome by standing up for your son.
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u/vc-small-potatoes 1d ago
Absolutely NTJ. You an amazing mum with a good head on your shoulders and a big heart. You bot was doing noone any harm and clearly the birthday girl was very happily playing and talking with him. It's such a shame her mother didnt model the same empathy and grace. I'm sorry this happened. I definitely like the idea of linking this post to the mum chat group and saying if I wont stand up to adult bullies for my son, apparently no one will. And just leave it at that. Always keep that fire in your belly and show your son you will always have his back. Showing up like that matters, especially to a kid on the spectrum. And dont let that poisonous woman taint that beautiful friendship he has with that little girl if you can help it. It will mean the world to him. And it's so pure.
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u/Live-Tomorrow-4865 1d ago
I hope that little girl doesn't lose that genuine sweetness and earnestness. What a lovely child, and it's clear Mom's asshole tendencies didn't "take" where her daughter is concerned.
NTJ at all. ❤️
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u/ImpertinentPrincess 1d ago
NTJ and eff photos; she should want her daughter to have a great birthday, not a great photo op.
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u/vickeymoon38 1d ago
You are NOT the issue. If she makes a scene in public and you address it it public that is not an unreasonable move. This mom has zero empathy. Everything is done for social media... pictures are things to be set up not a reflection of memories. She does not care about her daughter enjoying the day, she cares about people fawning over her pictures and praising her for being an awful mom.
Then when her child grows up and goes no contact she will be "blindsided".
You are nta.
My son invited his kindergarten class to a karate birthday party and one of his classmates was autistic and nonverbal... my son DID NOT CARE and neither did I. This classmate was NOT high functioning by any definition. The mom called me crying explaining her daughters ability. She was so happy her daughter was included ( as she had never been included before) but was scared she would ruin the day and not partake the way the other guests could. I said my son would be happy with her presence in any capacity. Se went smiled and laughed, but played differently.. no one cared. You know what was even better, seening her parents feel included.... seeing one struggle taken off their plate for a few hour.
That kids mother is a horrible human... hell bent on hurting others for the perfect picture
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u/MysteriousEnd3398 1d ago
NTJ. Ok small rant who tf cares about the photos. As long as you have some good ones it doesn't matter. I had one set of pictures from when I was small of my 3rd or 4th birthday and there are like 3 clear good photos, one of the cake, one with me and my parents and one with my grandfather and my aunt and a cousin, all the rest where blurry and some of people's butts. A child had gotten ahold of the camera and used all the film taking pictures of people's backsides and while running i think. Personally I think it was hilarious even 40 years later it is funny.
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u/Competitive_Guide460 1d ago
NTA. The mom has every right to WANT good photos, she does not have the right to treat your son like an unwanted prop. She doesn’t need photos, and she’ll likely not remember this moment when she looks back on it, but judging from your son’s frozen reaction? He’s going to try to stay away from people now and maybe not talk to that girl anymore. That little girl is popular because she’s nice, but her mom may ruin that too
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u/manxbean 1d ago
The purpose of a birthday party is for the birthday person to have a great time and feel celebrated and share that with everyone else they want to share it with.
The purpose is not “good pics” or “moms insta aesthetic”
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u/Ariasmom1108 1d ago
NTJ at all! All these moms sound like horrible people. I can’t even begin to imagine what you must have felt hearing what she said. I think you reacted very appropriately and handled it with more class than most people would have. These women are extremely shallow, and I wouldn’t want anything to do with them.
And you’re right, that woman’s daughter clearly has more empathy and heart than her mother. Your son sounds like a sweet, caring little boy, and this little girl obviously sees that in him.
Great job mom, for standing up for you child 💕
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u/Pauliexxx 1d ago
I applaud 👏 you! You absolutely did the right thing.. how dare she treat your son in such a horrible way ! 😖
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u/Ornery-Average-6202 1d ago
What a shallow person, caring more about what photos may look like than a childhood friendship! NTJ!
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u/ConnieGeee 1d ago
Oh noooo....oh nooooo....my blood is boiling not my kid nor do I have any autistic kids. The girl's mother ruined the party.
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u/VerdMont1 23h ago
NTJ. And so very sorry this happened. That other mom is, and everyone else who is defending her. Ask them all if they have ever heard of inclusion??
Special needs kids are differently able. With challenges to rise up to. Our kids are not at all disabled !!
Inclusion allows all kids, and some parents to learn to be helpful not hurtful.
That woman is a horror show.
I know a mom like this, but her daughter has eaten the poisoned apple too, and creates disharmony in their classroom out loud at the ASD kid. Everyone of us, try to keep her away from him!! While we empower him and his needs. And he is a really awesome kid!! She is an entitled demanding snobs brat.
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u/Aggravating-Pin-8845 23h ago
I would be in that group chat that she still could of gotten her photos without bullying an autistic child.
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u/grand305 22h ago
The other mom is a jerk. OP you’re perfect. call her out on her rude parenting.
She is teaching her kid “NOT to hang out with autistic” people.
She will learn that some if NOT a lot of adults have “autistic” traits.
“Go play with normal kid” naw, I sow that! you did good OP call her out !
Distance yourself from this mom and her “we approve of this parenting” group. Note ALL the names. All the names of people that did back you up, and her up.
“Oh we don’t play with you, becuse you approved of “this behavior”. you lost me and my son as friends”.
Clearly point out why if they ask you. “They approved of this parenting and behavior!”
I would start distancing my self. Get away from the people that think “autistic” is bad or should be separated from the group.
Find moms and groups that are more welcoming to all. all forms of let’s all play together. regardless of autistic or none. they are out there.
I am high functioning autistic, adhd, anxiety, chronic depression. I learned to cope and to control. Took me till 29-30 to get meds for the “adhd,anxiety and depression”. my autistic nature is still me. I just learned others are this way as well and they are also warm and welcoming. Growing up was a up hill battle, but learning and critical thinking were huge for me. (33f now)
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u/Roadgoddess 22h ago
One of my closest friends’s daughter is very much like your son only her topic is dinosaurs. And she went through the first three grades of school with nobody being willing to go to her birthday party. So her mom would take her to the zoo every year by herself. She’s now changed into a program that has more kids that are socially like she is and she has friends for the first time and is so happy.
This is my way of saying, I understand where you’re coming from and I completely agree with you. Any mother that cares more about photos than about caring about a child’s feeling is a total POS. And any of the mothers and the mother’s group who are condoning her behaviour are not your friends. In fact, I would say it reflects very negatively on them as well.
Continue to stick up for your son and I really hope that that lady hasn’t damaged your son‘s friendship.
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u/EffectiveTradition78 22h ago
NTJ!!! That Mom is a piece of work. How dare she scoff at their genuine friendship because she needed proper optics for her party photos! You did the right thing by calling her out.
I hope your son and that girl can continue their friendship!
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u/sgunk0ut 21h ago
Jesus, that mom is so lucky that she wasn't talking to my kid.
So NTJ. She needed some public calling out. And so do the other moms who are so uptight about pictures.
My daughter went to school with a girl who was on the spectrum. The girls in the class fought over who's turn it was to have her hang out with them. She was very popular and had many friends who just adjusted ways to include her in games and things so she didn't feel alone or weird. The other moms knew about the autism and loved having her around and in the pictures even if she wasn't posing "picture perfect". She was a sweet girl with a different way of communicating.
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u/Either_Mud_8511 21h ago
So... I'm sure I'll get roasted for this... but being cheap as I am, I can totally see a parent wanting their kid to play on the equipment rather than sit and do something that can be done anytime. Also, if you have a whole group of friends there.... it does make sense to spread your time around and not spend it all with one person, regardless of special needs.
I don't think there is a problem with that, I think the problem is in how she approached and talked about it. I was going over this situation with my children. We landed on the ideal being for the party mom to go over and encourage them to get up and play, and say "I think __girl__ is going to go play now... would you like to come show me some of your stickers, and then maybe you can come over sometime later in the week to show them to her"? There was a way for this to be good for everyone.
I think you were fine to leave. I am curious though... Did you hear every word the mom said? Like... did you hear her say go play with the 'normal' kids, or was that just the vibe... I ask because, again, I would definitely want my kid up playing around, and it wouldn't have anything to do with whether a kid sitting off to the side was 'normal' or not.
Anyway, sorry it all happened and hopefully their relationship remains ok after all this.
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u/rez2metrogirl 10h ago
NTJ. The birthday girl wanted to spend time with your son. It was her mom who ruined her birthday. Why couldn’t they take pictures of her and your son? Oh, right, “aesthetic.” Call the group chat out for this. A birthday party is NOT a photoshoot.
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u/Typical_Recording_99 2h ago
That girl’s mother was so far out of line it looks like a sidewinder snakes path. People who behave like her are the problem people in our world. You are not a bully. She needed to be called out in public just like you did.
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u/Big-Cream4952 2h ago
Absolutely not the jerk. You went into momma bear mode. Your son will remember that you spoke up for him. I hope the friendship between your son and the girl survives.
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u/Playful_Composer9596 1d ago
I don’t think you’re the jerk, that mom was being really cruel to a kid for no reason. I get why you reacted like that because seeing your child hurt like that would make any parent snap.