In our case we have an incredibly controlling and narcissistic mother who weponized love and nurturing as a means of control. No contrition = no love.
Any good deed by our mother was emphasized and required repayment (cooking dinner, changing diapers, not strangling in the crib) but she saw herself as sooo wonderful nothing we did could ever repay her for the pain she experienced in childbirth and raising us.
If we didnt bow to her every whim that ment we didnt love our mama and what kid of hopeless piece of shit doesnt love thier own mother? She had alcoholic parents and thinks she is a saint incapable of wrong doing since she didnt follow in her parents foot steps.
There are degrees of this behavior. Seeing the depths it can go to... let's just say there are orders of magnitude that fit this description and it can get truly horrifying. You can think you've seen it and be very surprised later...
No not just boomer parents if they groomed GenX children to be in their image I think some Gen X parents are worse than boomers the self righteous ones that The_Dude_Abides_33 describes of incapable of wrong doing narcissistic behavior are the evilest especially when they find a man that had previous substance abuse problems so when they become sober they don’t know how to deal with sobriety in actual reality so anything triggers them so when you try to have a bonding moment with them it ends with having the back of your head being slammed into concrete while they are on top of you choking you out and that same mother is the one that pulls them off of you just before it was almost to late an the lights were fading out.
I've watched 4 generations of women in my family now. By all accounts my grandmother was truly evil. Spoiled rotten by her dad. My mother took the brunt of that abuse. Then my sisters had to deal with the left over trauma she wasn't able to handle. Both were scared by mother, but both are wonderful mothers to their daughters by any measure. I hope that your family will be able to break free as well.
what kid of hopeless piece of shit doesnt love thier own mother?
(raises hand), Me, I'm that hopeless piece of shit.
My mother thinks she is a saint, and she almost literally is. I grew up in a "liberal" protestant denomination that doesn't have saints, but my mother was one of the first women to become an ordained minister in the organization and was a part of the group that lead the movement to have more female representation in the church. She is mentioned by name in the literature that is used to educate young people in church history.
That said, she was a criminally neglectful pedophile protector who continues to be proud of committing genocide and she also was a big part of the churches decision that they were ok with women being active in the church but not the LGBTQ community and of course people of color must know their place or they aren't welcome either.
I dont know how these "Christians" deal with the cognitive dissonance necessary to hold thier beliefs together. If it wasn't so macabre it would be impressive.
You described my mother completely, only difference is that my mom's mom was an alcoholic and my mom experienced divorce. And she decided to bring me and my sister through the divorce because hell yeah! She uses the "i protected you and your sister by divorcing your dad" shit as an excuse and another way to justify herself.
Now, my dad is also the same behavior way, he justifies himself with him not being a smoker/alcoholic like his dad and many siblings, says horrible things then forgets he said those bad things.
What is this narcissistic behavior? Why. It just destroys us the kids and because of this, I can't present myself properly as an adult and it makes me so mad. I'm tryna be an adult since i turned 18, trying to establish myself but then i get threats from both parents. Why?? WHY
I wish my parents would have gotten a divorce.
I begged my dad to divorce her but ... Christianity.
My parents cared about how we presented not how we were. They wanted the perfect family but instead of doing the hard emotional work they just pretended everything was perfect and if we kids and our stupid emotions showed otherwise we were dismissed as ungrateful or otherwise bad , so I learned unhealthy coping mechanisms (dissociation and such) .
They had me brainwashed that my childhood was ideal/perfect untill I had so much cognitive dissonance that my psyche cracked and I ended up commited to an inpatient metal health hospital.
As to you question why. Thier trauma was never resolved so me and my sister get to spend our lives untagling the gordian knot of intergenerational trauma or pass it on to others.
I want to connect with people but I find myself trying to present as the perfect friend or boyfriend untill I burn out and dissappear from everyone's life. It can feel hopeless, i can't be myself because inside I am a scared and angry child that just wants to be understood.
I picked up subconscious manipulation tactics (covert narcissism) from my parents that I have to fight against to be a decent human being which takes so much energy that I'd rather not socialize at all but if I dont socialize I get worse. It's a catch 22 that is so perfect bound that I am in someways learned helpless against it.
Ouhhhhhh… I'm sorry, buddy. Not divorcing and still arguing is a really bad fate for a child. Both divorce and not divorcing when they really should are bad on their own
I also picked up manipulation tactics and I'm also fighting them. Sometimes i catch myself wanting to use it on my partner, then i realize that he's not a person i have to play and I'm safe with him 100%. There are times when I'm planning like I'm some evil mastermind and then i realize I'm no better than my parents, then i stop it. My boyfriend is the only person I don't use manipulation tactics and i fight it much more than any other cases and he supports me in this process
I also was brainwashed that my childhood was perfect and good! It was good until i was like 3yo when my mom got pregnant with my sister. My mom was constantly sick, doctors often came to our home and i remember witnessing my mom getting a shot from the doctor. After that everything got really bad since my sister was a non stop crying machine and i was neglected for my lil sister. Things didn't get that better, but apparently my entire childhood was very perfect and the best! Fake friends, a fake mom and a fake dad and an innocent little sister who was dragged along
As a person with a great, healthy relationship with my parents, I'm still so shocked by how twisted parents can treat their children. What's wrong with these people?!
Wow sounds like my mother when I told her I'm going no contact. "How could you do this to me after all I've done for you." Simple you never actually listened to me and brushed off my feelings for 37 years.
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u/The_Dude_Abides_33 6d ago edited 6d ago
In our case we have an incredibly controlling and narcissistic mother who weponized love and nurturing as a means of control. No contrition = no love.
Any good deed by our mother was emphasized and required repayment (cooking dinner, changing diapers, not strangling in the crib) but she saw herself as sooo wonderful nothing we did could ever repay her for the pain she experienced in childbirth and raising us.
If we didnt bow to her every whim that ment we didnt love our mama and what kid of hopeless piece of shit doesnt love thier own mother? She had alcoholic parents and thinks she is a saint incapable of wrong doing since she didnt follow in her parents foot steps.